April 13, 2010

3SOMES: The Most Epic Teen TV Love Triangles of All Time (Or at least those that aired on the WB)

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All this New Moon excitement, and post GGOM3 disappointment, has made me think about all the most epic of epic-est love triangles ever.

As an important disclaiming factoid about moi: My older brother, as we crossed paths on his way out of town for Thanksgiving and my way in, reminded me that even though I’m the one who talked him out of ever seeing Twlight, my need to incessantly mock it makes me just as bad as all the crazy McStalker Moms out there who love that shit. Which… is actually a really fair point.

And I bet you, had I been eight when that business had come out, I would have been all over that shit. I’m not now, because, well, we all know how I feel about Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lauter is an adorable puppy, but about two years old, and also, when I was a tween, I didn’t daydream about marriage and babies, especially scary vampire babies that EAT YOU. (I do not joke, I have confirmed this to be true of the fourth book in the so-called “Saga” which I think proves my fears about childbearing right. DON’T HAVE BABIES, GIRLS: THEY WILL EAT YOU.)

But still, I don’t know how fair it is for me to mock the stupidity of the story: I mean, I loved Roswell and Dawson’s and did I mention Roswell? as a wee lassie, so not that far off. In fact, I loved all sorts of silly TV series about love triangles back in the day, and still find them fun. Oh, also One Tree Hill. I think, ladies and gentlemen and all sorts of potential wolfy or fanged beings in my audience, that might be my most embarrassing confession of all time: I was a junior in high school when One Tree Hill came out, and I was absolutely obsessed with that shit until Haley went and got married. I crushed on James Lafferty’s post-acne pockmarked face and Brian Greenberg’s awesomeness like nobody’s business, so, yeah, I get it.

But, speaking of the topic at hand, which are the great, epic love triangles of our time, I will list then in ascending order of greatness:

Ten: Lucas/Haley/Nathan. Should have happened. Never did. Woe is me. Instead, it was all Peyton/Lucas/Brooke. First of all, Peyton? Not a name. Second, Brooke deserved better than those two fools, and Peyton had Brian Greenberg so why she needed Chad Michael Murray …. or why Chad Michael Murray ever existed in the first place, is a question I cannot answer. Pooh.

Nine: Noel/Felicity/Ben. Come on, is this even a contest? One played a toolbox, had crazy eyebrows and an annoying forehead. The other was … Scott Speedman. Although Scott Foley got really sexy in Scrubs, but he still played a toolbox.

Eight: Roswell… didn’t actually have love triangles. Never mind. It was why I liked it though – the relationships were very realistically annoying, as happy annoying aliens/people who are trying to keep their secret from the world, should be. For a time, there was some Tess/Max/Liz friction, but it surprisingly didn’t make things any less boring. Again, had the show not had any aliens, Max and Liz would have been superior butt monkeys together, Maria and the-other-one would have kept yelling a lot, and Katherine Heigl would have just kept on being awesome. Does this fit? No. Do I care? No.

Seven: Angel/Buffy/Spike. What is there to say? David Boreanz was supahfly, James Marsters, while not the greatest looking gentleman, always made me giggle, especially in that episode of Angel where he impersonated Angel and called him a poof. Angel .

At the end of the day, it wasn’t much of a love triangle, since Buffy pulled the “I Choose Me,” except in her version, it was pretty much I choose partying in Ibiza, I think. The girl deserved it, okay? Geez, give her a little slack.

Six: Dean/Rory/Jess//Jess/Rory/Dean//Logan/Rory/Jess//Logan/Rory/Naked Guy I hated

and Luke/Lorelai/Every-dude-she-ever-dated,-including-but-not–limited-to-Christopher.

You see where I’m going with this? For a small town and a show with a lot of talk and not much drama, there was a hell of a lot of drama. It’s good to be a Gilmore.

Five: Dawson/Joey/Pacey

What, you thought I was going to skip it? Not on your life. Clearly, if you were not “Team Pacey,” there was and is something seriously wrong with you, and I think you can get treated for mental illness for liking the fuckiest of fuckwits with eyebrows that do not match fake blond hair. REMEMBER THE EYEBROWS? If you didn’t, my crazy capital letters did for you. Also, for funzies, the Van der Beek has his own Twitter, where he sounds just as insane (ie: blind to his own lack of talent) as Tucker Max. More importantly, how could/can you not have loved/love Joshua Jackson? I watch Fringe almost solely because of him, and he honestly never does anything, except for say the occasional “Walter! Stop making milkshakes! Argh taking care of my delinquent evil genius father is Haaaaaard Wooooork.”

Four: See: All of the threesome permutations for Gossip Girl that Rabia and I came up with before OM3. See especially: Nate/Chuck/Blair, or Chuck/Blair/Nate, or most likely, Chuck/Nate/Blair. Although the show has shown other complications, that’s the only one that counts. And the only one where a three-way relationship might actually work, because Blair could connive, Chuck could say things weirdly, and Nate could … sit in the corner. And contemplate. Things. Like. Umm.

Three: Duncan/Veronica/Logan. The only people who actually deserve to use the word epic in the legitimate, non-ironic way in relation to discussing their relationships.) And Donut. As a little claim to fame, I actually knew the whole “who was at the door thing” months before season 2 aired. Bitches actually offered me money to tell, but I did not, because my honor was pure.

Two: Kara Thrace (Starbuck)/everyone. Kara kicked ass, people. May she rest in angelic, post-Battlestar Galactica peace. The end.

One: The greatest of all great love triangles, ever. I mean, Bella, Jacob, Edward, you kids have got nothing. Nothing. NOTHING!

Original Author: Julie Block