April 19, 2010

Wherein A Columnist Basically Stops Trying

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It’s getting to be that time … Three weeks of classes left, and, as much as I try to focus on my freakishly large backlog of readings and papers, the only thoughts I can readily summon are those directly related to senior week, my post-grad job and Nancy Pelosi. (HOT.) When faced with such an alarming degree of finality — just over 40 days until commencement — my coping mechanism has been to shirk responsibility entirely and ignore my pressing obligations.

Thus I find myself, two hours from deadline, with a nearly blank Word document sitting in front of me, and only the following, barely intelligible notes scribbled on a legal pad to my left:

“College ACB = Weimar Republic?”

“Barnett says to talk about Asian girls.”

“Boycott intramural baseball.”

And, finally: “Danny DeVito + Jeff Foote = Best buddy cop drama ever.”

Rather than turn a rushed, undercooked hack piece on something serious like Goldman Sachs or why frats are the western equivalent of madrassas — or whatever people are writing about these days — I decided to just cop out entirely and share a stream of consciousness list of my observations, preferences and predictions with you, my loyal fans. (Thank you both for reading.)

News Items

• Two weeks ago, I completed the Pinesburger challenge in record-shattering time, devouring the four beef patties in less than 20 minutes. Former Sun columnist/legend Charlie Niesenbaum ’08 quaked in awe and reverence at the stunning feat.

• Early last Thursday morning, a Wines T.A. — here named Ron Pow, to protect his anonymity — engaged in furious battle with a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. At the culmination of a heated, 30-minute struggle to de-cork said vino, the T.A. reluctantly accepted defeat. Neither Mr. Pow nor the bottle of wine were available for comment.

Best Memories, Spring 2010

Bronze Medal: The Flaming Lips perform at Barton Hall. If you ever asked me what the ideal concert would be like, my answer would certainly include laser pointers, musicians crowd surfing in a Zorb and a metric ton of Technicolor confetti. On a similar note, if there were ever a real-life wizard, his name would be Wayne Coyne.

Silver Medal: Cornell Upsets Temple and Wisconsin in the NCAA Tournament. Made three-and-a-half years of athletic embarrassments well worth it. Ryan Wittman for president.

Gold Medal: Easter Sunday 2010. I received my BAMF certification and a full-time offer as a professional writer, during what will forever be remembered as the most unlikely string of events on a single day, basically ever.

Bold predictions for the next four years

Inestimable Villainy: Mark Zuckerberg will grow a Snidely Whiplash mustache as Facebook makes page-view information public. College-aged men across the country will be forced into uncomfortable conversations with their female acquaintances.

Manifest Destiny: KFC’s Double-Down sandwich will assume its rightful place as the most significant culinary achievement since the Chalupa. It will later relinquish its throne if (and when) ThisIsWhyYou’reFat.com opens a restaurant. The masses will rejoice (shortly before suffering one collective, massive coronary).

Like Passion Pit … But Better: Hey Champ — an electro-power-pop trio from Chicago — will be big. Very big.

“Did you see the pool? THEY FLIPPED THE BITCH!”: Sooner than later, Bill Lawrence’s animated magnum opus, Clone High, will be regarded as one of the most underappreciated gems in television history.

The Soup v. 2.0: Sun columnists Rabia Muqaddam ’10 and Rachel Gevirtz ’10 will land a lucrative contract hosting a satirical pop-culture program on the E! Network. Later, they will star in an ABC sitcom with a balding, over-the-hill SNL alum. Hilarity ensues.

Feather and Phallus: An enterprising Ph.D. candidate will penetrate the inner sanctum of Cornell’s highest secret society — a la The Skulls — setting in motion a deadly chain of events that will cause us to question the very foundations of our University. What was the shadowy cabal concealing in their hallowed tower? Embarrassing graphic t-shirts.

Highbrow Repulsive: According to a recent Vanity Fair article, a group of former Lehman Brothers executives — hailing from my own hometown on North Shore Long Island — referred to themselves as “the Huntington Mafia,” feigned monogamy for business purposes and made fun of one another for not having the newest Topsiders. Sun columnist Munier Salem ’10 will expand said article into a full-length novel, titled The Discreet Charm of the Doucheoisie.

Highbrow Awesome: Ted Hamilton ’10 will win a Pulitzer.

Lowbrow Repulsive: The Republican Party will defy expectations by passing over Palin, Romney and Pawlenty for the 2012 Presidential nomination, opting instead to place their electoral hopes in the hands of Larry the Cable Guy and a crazy old bigot in a bathrobe.

Lowbrow Awesome: In the fine tradition of two wonderful films that bookended my college career — Snakes on a Plane and Hot Tub Time Machine — Hollywood executives will give the green light to the next great, bluntly-titled American comedy: Jeff K. Hires an Escort.

Tune back two weeks from today for the last-ever installment of Everyone Choose Sides. Until next time, peace out.

Original Author: Peter Finocchiaro