April 21, 2010

Goodbye Part 1 or Sneak Recap Attack

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We were looking at some of our past columns to see if there are any major topics we haven’t touched on yet, and were horrified to discover that, after slaving over 25 pieces of pure genius for your enjoyment and education, that no one has commented on any of them. We were forced to conclude that no one has ever read any of them. But we’re not upset because it’s your loss (suckers!). Never fear, it’s not too late to soak up some … R: What would knowledge + awesome =?R: Knawesome? Awledge? Anyway, here’s a recap (the thing before the end) of our greatest hits.  It all started with our good friend Trace-face, who taught us long ago that meat > bread, and that its ok to get high, fuck and commit murder (R and R, ’08), advice we’ve tried to eschew and live by. Now that our comedy and fame have arguably exceeded those of Mr. Morgan, we’ve assembled a thoroughly cited list of our own truth bombs vital to your everyday lives. Lesson One: Don’t be a giant D-bag, and write columns like “Of Dubious Taste and Questionable Humor” (R and R, ’08). On a related note, don’t make fun of the mentally handicapped, no matter how much they deserve it. On another related note, be wary of what you publish on September 11th. Of dubious taste, indeed. But you live, you learn. R: You crash, you burn. Lesson 2: Drink responsibly, meaning as much as you want, but around other people. As we’ve said, “anyone who pretends that getting barred from a bar will bar you from boozing is bonkers,” (R and R, ’08) but when you invariably end up fratting-out, keep in mind that just because a strange guy is generous with his hard alcohol doesn’t mean he’s not a douchelord. In fact it probs means the opposite, evident by his choice to entertain girls in his room rather than try his hand at the bars. The buddy system has survived the test of time for a reason! Lesson 3: Reality TV makes for strange bedfellows. Senior Week will make for stranger bedfellows.  Lesson 4: Don’t be conventional on Halloween. You’re all conventional enough for the rest of the year. And keep your ass in check (R and R, ’08). Lesson 5: Be more like puppies! For those of you unlucky enough to have missed the magical 24-hour Shiba Inu puppy-cam, take it from us when we say there’s always something to be learned from a pile of puppies. After spending four years witnessing friends hook up with other friends’ boyfriends, people lie to each other and talk behind each other’s backs (oops!), people miss opportunities out of fear of getting hurt, and more girls with low self esteem than Zach Braff ever filmed topless by the banana stand (it still works!), it’s so nice to watch a group of furry friends who take care of each other and aren’t afraid to show each other how they feel (R and R, ’08). So do that! Lesson 6: Collaboration makes things better (R and R, ’08-’09). Just check out any of our columns from Spring ’09: With an ocean between us, our column became a shameful cornicopia of shoddy ruminations about TV and aliens. Although R might be a baby-eating blood-sucking fascist, and the other R cares about people R: Really? We’ve learned a lot from our differences and realized that the whole of us is greater than the sum of our parts. And spraying Fantastik into each other’s mouths isn’t what college is about. Look at Moses and Jesus. They both have beards. R: Somehow TV + Aliens = genius Lesson 7: Look in the mirror? It’s one thing to sometimes be a mess. It’s another thing to be a mixture of “the stay-puft marshmallow man and Will Ferrell with a dart in his neck” (R and R, ’09). Again, with feeling: JUST BECAUSE YOUR BOOBS ARE COVERED AND WELL SUPPORTED DOESN’T MEAN THAT THEY’VE DISAPPEARED. We cannot emphasize this enough. We know you have boobs. So does everyone you want to bang. It’s not a secret. Lesson 8: The arts are a great escape from the world’s troubles. Maybe instead of becoming stay-puft, stay-in and watch a movie. Lesson 9: Everybody poops. Get over it. Lesson 10: When you write columns about pie, people send you t-shirts. And hand-written notes. And sometimes your editors are so jealous they open your mail for you. Isn’t that nice of them? Lesson 11: Nothing can bring back the hour of the splendour in the grass. There will come a time when you can’t wear mini skirts and dance on tables every night. But don’t be afraid, because this new chapter of your life will instead be filled with dignity, great food and great friends. The upside? No up-skirts! Lesson 12: Craigslist is a land of sexual adventures and courageous honesty. So put up some dick-pics and tell the truth.  Lesson 13: Strategic farting not an actual skill: And so the job search continues. Lesson 14: Don’t get raped on spring break! And finally, Lesson 15: Sometimes you just need to salt the snail. Better for you, better for them. Got it? Great! R: Is this plagiarism if it’s us? R: I don’t know. It’s definitely lazy.

Original Author: Rachel Gevirtz