April 22, 2010

Strange Days: Bob Saget, 4/20 and the Chicken Laws

Print More

And we’re back! After a massive late-February Snowpocalypse, H&V has finally come out of hibernation to once again acknowledge the best of HEROISM and the worst of VILLAINY. While we slumbered, we missed out on the men’s basketball team’s improbable and patently HEROIC run to the Sweet 16. And although certified VILLAIN John Calipari and Kentucky defeated the Red, it is only a matter of time until the NCAA HEROICALLY vacates that and the rest of Calipari’s wins. HEROIC Coach Donahue has sailed on to greener pastures (a $500,000 raise), but the big shots in Teagle Hall have brought in Bill Courtney. HERO in waiting? We certainly hope so.

But enough about sports. This week brought two of the more HEROIC celebrations of the calendar year — Earth Day and 4/20. Now, H&V naturally employs some of the finest, most stand-up gentlemen in the Finger Lakes region. But the vast majority of us are hemp-clad, tofu-munching, Phish-loving dopers who sit around the office watching YouTube videos of babies doing funny shit. So, as you can imagine, there was a lot of talk about the VILLAINY of bottled water and leaving the lights on, but even more chatter about the HEROISM of herbal medicines.

Speaking of illegal drugs, HEROIC comedian and soon-to-be reality TV superstar Bob Saget has popped up around campus in the last few days. No word on what type of creepy stuff ol’ Danny Tanner has tried on naive North Campus coeds, but judging by his stand-up routine, it has got to be downright VILLAINOUS. Seal and Serpent, the independent frat/society/something weird that is hosting Saget will surely provide some juicy material for him to riff on. But H&V suggests that Bob bring in the double-dose of HEROISM that is the Olsen twins for additional material.

As we near graduation, we Cornellians, and specifically seniors, need something to cheer us up. The VILLAINOUS bomb dropped on Monday that only half of the Class of 2009 is currently employed. Ouch. Even stranger were the stats about which colleges caught the worst strain of the VILLAINOUS unemployment bug: hotelies (makes sense), ILR (duh) and … engineers? Seriously guys, get out of Duffield and take a shower before your next interview. Anyway, hopefully some graduates from the first two colleges can find HEROIC employment in the newly re-established Ithaca chapter of the GOP. It’s tough to decide if the Grinches On Parade should be judged on their VILLAINOUS political views or their HEROIC willingness to take on near-impossible odds in this hippy town.

In other political news, it was reported this week that a HEROICALLY high number (50 percent) of Collegetown residents participated in the census. Even though that’s almost 20 percent less than the national average, it’s pretty impressive. 50 percent of Collegetown residents can’t even remember what day is trash day, much less properly fill out a government document. Now if only we could get 100 percent participation in the fight against the VILLAINOUS Collegetown slumlords and their inflated rents

Finally, it is plain ridiculous that Ithaca’s Planning and Economic Development Committee decided to make the HEROIC chicken ordinance a low priority. What VILLAINY! This is just another attempt by the City of Ithaca to put itself between a man and his chickens.