It’s not easy being Greek these days. If your Rush Week dress code isn’t being leaked to a has-been Ivy League rumor blog, then your alleged hazing practices are being leaked to a has-been Ivy League rumor blog! It really seems like Greeks just can’t get no satisfaction anymore (or at least can’t keep their e-mails to themselves), so our Berry Patch reporters went into the field to unearth some hazing practices of other organizations. To hopefully take some of the scrutiny off the much-maligned, puppy-dog-eyed Tri-Council, Berry Patch presents the other, other sides of pledging.
The Student Assembly
REPRESENTATIVES! These are some of the worst goddamned sub-clauses I’ve ever read! You’re conflating terms here, Representative! Have you ever even presented a resolution before our esteemed Assembly? Go stand on the Slope and read our charter three times. This ain’t your high school Student Council! This is important goddamn business, and I want that tie tied in half-Windsor knot! God! I said it three times! What if a Vice Provost saw you?!
Cornell Hotel Society
BUSBOYS! CONCIERGES! NAPKIN FOLDERS! That glass is for red wine, not white! Can’t you do anything right? This is terrible! You, fold 10 pounds of linens by the time your hospitality brother networks with five pseudo-successful alumni. What do you mean your e-mail signature only takes up six lines?! How do you expect anyone to respect you if you don’t list every one of your vital positions?
Sailing Club
SEAMEN! Is that hip-hop I hear sailor? Are you kidding me! I said EXCLUSIVELY Vampire Weekend! Damn animals, all of you! Do you know my name? It’s Gerrard S. Worthington The Third! And do you know my father’s name? Gerrard S. Worthington The Second! And can you guess my grandfather’s name? Gerrard S. motherfuckin’ Worthington! And I’ll be goddamned if you dirtbags disgrace my good name … And scrub that poop deck right for once!
The Administration
VICE PRESIDENTS! VICE PROVOSTS! Get in a line, least-likely-to-be-fired order. Not so fast VP of Expansion, back of the line. Do you all have your pledge iPhones with you? Alright, whip those out and cut your budget by 15 percent, as fast as you can! Last one to finish has to deal with The Sun’s reporters.
The Inter Fraternity Council
BUZZKILLERS! Is that a smile on your face, officer? A smile! Have you learned nothing! You, officer #2, shake your head five times in disappointment! No! Do it like I’m your 16-year-old son and I just got caught trying to score beer at 7/11. That’s it. And don’t you ever come in here with a smile on your face again! Fun is the enemy, remember that, officers, and maybe you’ll get somewhere one day. “Pursuit of frattiness” … you ought to be ashamed of yourself.