May 5, 2010

To All The Teachers That Never Thought We’d Amount to Nothin’

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Over the years, we’ve written a lot of columns that critics have acknowledged as “a column,” (Roger Ebert) “in English,” (Tracy Morgan) and “published” (Nancy Pelosi). We’ve received some local feedback from our more-vocal readers as well — “Yo R and R! You guys is mad stooped!” (Dude, College Ave) — and with one column left, we wanted to answer all your questions and set the record straight, once and for all. Many have asked us whether or not we really have beards, while others are wondering if we’re actually dudes, Cornell students, robots, terrorists or high profile celebrities in disguise, and to each we answer: No, not at the moment. But in the interest of addressing all of your pressing concerns, we’ve solicited our roommates to randomly select comments from the COMMENT BOX! we left outside our crib. Here’s how that went …S: Anonymous ’12 wants to know: Are you guys really one person?R: No.R: (Yes)M: Anita Boyfriend ’10 is wondering whether or not you guys actually exist.R: Could made-up people make up this shit? Note: This was a real question. The name has been changed.J: This one just says “comments about what?”R: Come on! Aren’t we famous?S: I found a good one! “I heard you guys were fat, is that why you only show your faces in your mug shot?”R: Great catch! In fact, we both spend about 75 percent of our time hiding fat. R: You’re like a fat detective!M: Mike Hunt ’10 asks: I heard you guys were cyclopses, is that why you wear sunglasses in your mug shot?R: Mike Hunt is a stinky bitch!R: I don’t think this is working out the way we hoped.… Since the rest of the comments were just as stinky as Mike Hunt’s, we decided to scratch the idea and just tell you our thoughts on the eve of our graduation. When we were first given this column (whatup Ju-lay), we thought it would be a space for gossip and our commentary on college life. However, as we’ve grown up, it’s evolved into something else. Of course we’ve entertained you with stories of douchelords, frat stars and biddies galore (whatup side boob!), but we hope that some of our readers have learned from our experiences and mistakes as well. For one, how to enjoy yourself without embarrassing your family and the rest of the human race. Or the importance of drinking (responsibly?) But above all, we’ve learned that you can’t let bitches box you in. Rabia (whoa real names!) regularly confronts conservative stereotypes, brown stereotypes and city kid stereotypes. Guess what? She knows how to use a grill and cook and drive (mostly). She’s kind of an ethnic mutt. And the last time she checked, there’s no inconsistency between fiscal conservatism and believing in a woman’s right to choose. And Rachel deals with a number of labels herself as a Jewish, liberal, AEM major from Long Island. Check it out: She knows how to read! And write! And she pumps her own gas! But none of these labels come close to what we have both faced every day on this campus as (bangin’) ladies. Sexism is not a product of the Greek System, or the media, or the Jews. R: Or the Muslims! It just is. Mother-effin-sufferage? But we’ve both managed to carve out our own identities and against all odds, write the column of the mother-effin-century! And maybe you can do it too!R: Too much?Obvs we didn’t roll of the boat with all these knowledge bombs, so don’t beat yourself up if you’re still figuring it all out. This may seem obvious and preachy to some of you, but we can’t believe how many awesome kids we’ve seen get stuck in boxes of their own. You’re gonna have to be tough and avoid getting hung up on what other people think. Because really, what do they know? You’ll be happier in the long run for having a little bit less shame. You can’t please everyone. And if it seems like everybody likes you, you’re probably not allowing yourself to be much of an individual. So we’ve learned a lot in our time at Cornell, and somewhere along the road, became awesome. But we didn’t do it alone. So thanks guys! The end.J: WTF, Mate?But really, thank you to Julie for giving us this column and supporting us along the way. We don’t care that you’re a racist! And to all the Arts Editors, even those that are federal criminals: Thanks for letting us publish all this weird, yet profound shit over the years (and making everyone think we know how to speak English real good).And to Wes Anderson, thanks for the brilliant use of our moniker in your masterpiece, The Darjeeling Limited. We’ll see you in court! Love your movies! And finally, to our roommates and friends, thank you for coming up with all the topics, ideas, titles, lessons and word choices for this column. And for building us from scratch in a lab under our house.R: We really are robots.R: Twist!

Original Author: Rachel Gevirtz