Gemini (May 21 — June 20): This week, you’ll be plagued with saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. As the CEO of BP would say, “Put a cork in it!”
Cancer (June 21 — July 22): Creativity will hit you smack in the face when you are ambushed by children playing with finger paint.
Leo (July 22 — August 22): When you wake up with cat hair on your clothes, your dream of transforming into Cat Woman will be complete (same goes for you as well dudes).
Virgo (August 23 — September 22): You’ve officially become funnier than your boss. Sadly, he will not find this news as comical as you will and the only laughs you will be getting are at the unemployment agency.
Libra (September 22 — October 22): This week, if you want to get the flames of romance going, do the opposite of stop, drop and roll. Roll, drop and stop.
Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): Lately, you’ve had trouble sleeping. But after reading the Weekly Horoscopes, you’ll be out before you can mutter “bad writer.”
Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21): Your parents have been nagging you more lately then usual. Threaten to put them in “the home” if they don’t settle down.
Capricorn (December 22 — January 19): Your favorite daytime soap opera will be interrupted again by breaking news. Get your evil twin in California to tell you what you missed.
Aquarius (January 20 — February 18): In honor of your horoscope sign, you will spontaneously break out into the party hit “Barbie Girl” by Aqua.
Pieces (February 19 — March 20): You will donate change to the homeless man outside your office this week. You do not do this to be charitable, but just for the tax write-off.
Aries (March 21 — April 19): This week, you’ll try being a faux hipster after seeing the new OK GO video (it really is awesome). You’ll quickly get bored and retreat back to your usual stereotype.
Taurus (April 20 — May 20): You’ve been inspired by Alvin Greene (the unemployed, felony-facing, South Carolina Senate nominee) to continue putting zero effort into all of your career endeavors. RLD
Original Author: Allie Miller