September 1, 2010

For Your Eyes Only

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Listen. We’ve all done terribly offensive and unwise things in our attempts to get as drunk as possible. We’ve mixed, matched, snorted and swallowed all sorts of wild combinations of liquor, wine and the holy frat water known as Keystone, in order to maximize our inebriated potential. We’ve all iced a bro, chugged a mailman and passed the macho mug. I’m no angel. I’ve probably encouraged many of said foolish activities. I can’t help it. With the right attitude, a length of tubing, some war paint, and the appropriate poisons, I can turn any outing into a true beveRAGE experience. Am I proud of myself? Kind of. Is that so wrong? Every weekend (Wednesday through Monday), we all put our Ivy League educations on hold in order to become full on dipsomaniacs and release our academic steam. Social lubrication does great things to the mind and body, and without the appropriate catharsis, our 4 years at Cornell would be way less fun. We get stupid every so often so we can deal with getting smart. However, getting stupid doesn’t have to mean getting down right unintelligent.

The blogosphere is going wild lately with tales of ludicrous teenagers who have decided that they are bored of good ol’ mouth drinking, and so they have progressed to “Vodka Eyeballing.” Yes, ladies and gentleman … They are getting drunk by pouring vodka … into their eyeballs. Now, I would consider myself an adventurous person, but you’ve got to be kidding me. First of all, my beautiful retinas are an extremely important part of the Losh moneymaker and I’m not sticking anything behind these hazel eyes unless it’s Visine. Second of all, who the fuck decided that tear ducts were the new esophagus? Last time I checked, your eyeball doesn’t have any taste buds. Apparently this camp of hyper-intelligent youth believes that since the eye is rich with blood vessels and closer to the brain, you not only get drunk quicker, but also to a much wilder degree. I beg to differ. These kidz are redefining “crazy eyes.” A quick YouTube search of “vodka eye shot” (also try “fucking idiots”), yields close to 1000 results. Some of these ocular enthusiasts have pro-form, while others rowdily pour spirits all over their face. No matter their level of experience, they all share one thing in common; as the vodka seeps into their eye sockets and coats their corneas in ethanol, they all unleash death shrieks of excruciating pain. TOO CUTE! I’m all for no pain, no gain, but when did vision loss become a gain?

Reports out of Great Britain show that eyeballing does not get you any drunker than old-fashioned swallowing (I’m still shocked that it gets you drunk at all), and it pretty much tears up your vision. A young woman in London engaged in eyeballing with her friendz on a weekly basis and she now suffers from a permanently teary eye and slow onset blindness. That’s one blackout I’m willing to pass on. Clearly dangerous, this optical inebriation is also straight up impractical. What the hell am I supposed to do with my cocktail garnish? There is no way I could shove a martini olive into my eye socket, and those little plastic swords are totally treacherous. And let’s not forget about us poor frat stars who wear our sunglasses at night. Can we really be expected to remove our shades long enough to stare down a shot? Most importantly, only pirates and Kelly Kapoor (see “Subtle Sexuality”) know how to rock an eyepatch with style, so the ranks of eyedropper alcoholics should be kept to a minimum.

Kids these days. I knew these newer generations were getting more and more casual with their fancy iPhone sexting and Justin Bieber sluttiness, but who would have ever thought that they would breach the sacred limits of drinking decency. In my day, getting messed up meant somewhat enjoying your nasty mixed drink or warm brew, banging your body to a beat, forgetting a few (read: all) details of the night, rinse, repeat. No one got hurt (besides the occasional blood on the dance floor). No one screamed in pain. We beveRAGED while these young hooligans of today choose to bev-let-me-ruin-my-life-tee-hee-rage. Call me old-fashioned, but antiquity is charming. I highly discourage anyone to ever attempt eyeballing, but for you sadomasochists out there, I’ve decided to provide you with a recipe for The Eye Dropper cocktail. Meant to be swallowed (through your mouth), this drink is sure to burn your insides without burning your pupils off.

The Eye Dropper1 oz. Vodka1 oz. Sambuca1 oz. Peppermint Schnapps

Fill a rocks glass with ice. Pour liquors directly into the glass and give it a quick stir. Sip it slow or shoot it back. Whatever your chosen pace, you’re in for a starry eyed surprise.

Original Author: Milos Balac