Virgo (August 23 — September 22): Lately, you had been feeling like an underpaid babysitter. But the family has moved away and you are free! Sweet freedom!
Libra (September 22 — October 22): This week, your piggy bank will be relocated to a new farm. Time to invest in a cookie jar.
Scorpio (October 23 — November 21): Lately, silence is golden, but you are making it seem like platinum. Keep up the quietude!
Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21): While texting and driving is illegal, texting while doing nothing isn’t. Go text your friends.
Capricorn (December 22 — January 19): This week, you will mess with the wrong girl at the wrong time. Do not be surprised if you are cursed by every gypsy in the land.
Aquarius (January 20 — February 18): This week, the stars fortell that you will either be wasted away in Margaritaville or wasted away in the dessert.
Pisces (February 19 — March 20): Lately, you have been living like a rock star. But unless you want to look like trash by the time you hit 29, I’d slow it down if I were you.
Aries (March 21 — April 19): This week, you will be starting fires and causing mayhem. Let’s just say you’re even making rock-star Pisces look tame.
Taurus (April 20 — May 20): This week, love will be in the air for you. And when I mean love, I mean the flu.
Gemini (May 21 — June 20): Lately, you feel like you have been too dependent on these horoscopes. You will have free will to choose your own destiny until next week.
Cancer (June 21 — July 22): This week, you will get more sleep then usual. You’ll get your cell phone back by next week.
Leo (July 22 — August 22): This week, you will spend the majoirty of class time making sound effects to go along with the PowerPoints. Sadly, there are no points for “entertaining the class.”
Original Author: Allie Miller