September 2, 2010

That Dog You Ate Outside Jason’s Ain’t Be the Only Thing That’s Hot

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Let’s get the obvious out of the way: What is up with this VILLAINOUS heat? Sorry for the mistake freshmen — you thought you were attending college in a frozen wasteland, and you got this fiery inferno instead. Take advantage and get to the HEROIC gorges while you still can; there will be plenty of time to sit in a library and stare listlessly at a computer screen come winter.

But despite the fact that the blazing fires of hell have engulfed the East Coast, the nerdy HEROES at Weill Cornell developed a sugar-based compound that may help mend post-surgical wounds. Basically, sugar band-aids! Who knew that you could bind open wounds with the contents of Pixie Stix? How HEROIC of the good folks at Weill to develop something that is both useful and delicious.  Imagine if Willy Wonka thought of this, dude would get brush-burns just for the tasty bandage.

News was broken this week of some VILLAINOUS cuts that might need more than a sugar band-aid to fix. The HEROIC folks in the Math Department are facing increased class sizes and the gutting of their post-doctoral teaching program. Luckily for all those soon-to-be unemployed postdocs, there’s a booming new business right in our very own HEROIC Collegetown …

Bru Dogs, the brand new hot dog stand outside of Jason’s Grocery and Deli, are a downright, unarguably HEROIC late-night option for those suffering post-bar munchies. Finally, there is a HEROIC drunk food alternative for the lactose intolerant and meat-lovers amongst us. We just hope that when the VILLAINOUS weather turns frigid in a week or two, the Dogs of Bru will still be peddling their HEROIC wares.

Speaking of wieners, news broke this week that former CIO James Walsh VILLAINOUSLY accepted a $400,000 bonus during the same fiscal year that the University’s endowment took at 26-percent nose dive. According to un-cited research, this money could have paid for: 345 full-scholarships for hard-working lower-middle class students, full year’s salaries for 150 super-friendly dining staff workers, a lucrative contract for noted HERO Steve Donahue, and about a million-and-a-half other essential services that Cornell must do without, thanks to the VILLAINS in Day Hall.

Or, if you want a serious comparison, Walsh’s VILLAINOUS compensation package in fiscal year 2009 could have paid for more than half of the relief fund Nike HEROICALLY set up for their laid-off Honduran workers. What made the sportswear giant back down to labor demands, you ask? Well, HEROIC student activism at Cornell and the University of Wisconsin-Madison HEROICALLY convinced the Giant Swoosh to take responsibility for their VILLAINOUS subcontractors.

Now, if only the administration would take responsibility for their VILLAINOUS crack-down on drinking in the Greek system. Like all social groups, the Greek system contains aspects of HEROISM and aspects of VILLAINY, but the VILLAINOUS new rules thrust upon the Greeks are downright cruel. While it’s always fun to mess with the prepubescent VILLAINS that we call freshmen, the Class of 2016 will be the first to spend their freshmen nights nervously drinking in dorms or bravely venturing to Collegetown house parties — a tall order for even the mightiest of HEROES.