September 9, 2010

The Berry Patch: Six Degrees of Anger

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Apparently there’s something going on these days that has something to do with drinking in the Greek system? We sent some crack Berry Patch reporters to check out Tuesday’s forum, but they had trouble understanding the real story after all the angry rhetoric and roundabout answers. Even if you’re not sure what’s going on (we hear it’s something like the death of fun for all eternity), our reporters put together a handy field guide to gauge the anger level of any Greeks or friends of the Greeks you might encounter. Proceed with caution:

Level 1: IndifferenceFrats shouldn’t be drinking anyway, only doing philanthropy. If Greeks are hung over, how do they expect to get up at 9 a.m. to clean up Collegetown, make it to the soup kitchen for the 11:30 a.m. volunteer shift, compete in a charity triathalon, then make it to their inner-city mentoring webcam appointment by 5 p.m.? Alcohol is an evil influence and a scourge on our morally fastidious campus — anything but books just distracts students from the books!Level 2: Very Mildly UpsetThey went to one or two frat parties freshman year and enjoyed them, but haven’t been to a frat since. They think it is unfortunate that future freshmen will not be able to have the same experience — long lines to get in, long lines for beer, 3:1 guy-to-girl ratio — but are sure that something else will fill in the social gaps on Saturday nights. Billiards at RPCC, anyone? Table tennis at Noyes? Anyone?Level 3: Should Be Pissed, But It’s WhateverThese extra-fratty fratstars have been drunk since school started, so they haven’t had a chance to get mad about the changes. They’re not sure what the University Recognition Policy is all about, but it’s probably not super important, despite what the bro-haters say. Once they figure out what’s going on, it won’t even be a big deal — they’ll just take the freshmen off-campus and keep raging. Level 4: Sorority Girl AngryThis girl spends more time in her favorite frat house than 65 percent of the brothers do. Which is pretty ironic considering she’s also slept with exactly 65 percent of her favorite frat house. She’s terrified by the thought of going through freshmen year without being invited to the VIP section of frat parites by creepy older brothers with beards. In her words, “Oh my god these changes are so random. Eh, this suuucks.”Level 5: Pretty Fratting AngryThese guys wore their letters and pins to Tuesday’s forum, spoke up passionately against these outrageous injustices, and occasionally hooted and whooped, a la The Arsenio Hall Show. Afterwards, they “crushed some ‘Stones” and “hopped on the Blackout Express.” What do you mean Greeks drink twice as much? It was a Tuesday — What do you expect?!Level 6: Straight Stormin’ AngryThese bros are about to throw down some confrontational political action on all our asses. They plan to kidnap some freshies, tie them up, then force them to drink themselves silly. After all, this is about JUSTICE! SELF-GOVERNANCE! FREEDOM! … and probably just wanting to get drunk.