Gossip Girl here. Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite. In case you haven’t been exposed to enough spoiled, rich brats in your lifetime, tune into the CW at 9 PM on Mondays to watch Gossip Girl. And in case you missed the last episode, I’m here to update you on what went on. If you forgot, Jenny (Taylor Momsen) lost her V card to Chuck (Ed Westwick) (oopsy daisy!), Blair (Leighton Meester) found out and banished him from her life, Serena (Blake Lively) was being annoying and slutty and the two besties (S and B) departed for Paris for a grand get-over-Chuck adventure. Oh wait. Chuck was shot in Prague. Oh hot damn! All in an episode for our favorite gossipers. Jenny finally jumped off a cliff and died, I mean, finally left to go to Hudson, so we can say sayonara to that raccoon-eyed twit. Nate (Chace Crawford) is looking delicious as always as he goes through Chuck’s little black book and explores all of Chuck’s old… how you say… ‘friends.’ And nice ‘friends’ at that! Chuck’s still missing, and Blair remains blissfully ignorant, putting up a happy façade as she wears the first ridiculous outfit of the season – a beautiful cherry shirt, floral skirt, and blue hat combo. I wonder if she bought it shopping on the Champs-Élysées? Dan (Penn Badgley) has been kept busy playing house with Georgina (Michelle Trachtenberg) who keeps making sneaky phone calls in angry Russian because apparently they have a baby?! Named Milo? In Paris, Serena got into Columbia! Yay doing nothing but causing trouble by sleeping with married men, getting into serious car accidents and fighting with your mother and STILL getting into the Ivy League! If only reality were this good… And because Serena is so smart (she got into Columbia afterall!), she decides not to tell Blair just yet that they’ll both be going to Columbia which is obviously such a great idea because hiding stuff from Blair ALWAYS works out! Meanwhile, Blair has made a friend named Louis who is très smart, romantic and handsome. And a member of the Royal Family of Monaco! But, this is Blair, so it must be too good to be true. Louis asks Blair on a date, and Blair obliges, thrilled to be taken out by a rich royal. And of course she has to bring her bestie S along for the fun! The two set off for the double date wearing equally interesting outfits – Blair in an intricately beaded dress with shoulder pads and Serena in a hot pants/leotard combo that begs the question of whether she was shopping in Lady Gaga’s closet or Ke$ha’s. Make sure you shower after that one, S! Wait, plot twist! Blair’s date is actually the chauffeur and Serena’s date is actually the prince! Of course Serena gets the royal! It’s SERENA! Cue Blair sulking and moping in the corner. Back in America, Chuck is still missing. Oh noz. Rufus (Matthew Settle) doesn’t seem to care, seeing as the C man stole his baby girl’s ‘innocence,’ but Lily (Kelly Rutherford) is worried like a good pseudo-mother should be. While all of this family drama is going on, Nate has made a friend named Juliet (Katie Cassidy) while he has been shacking up with all of Chuck’s leftovers. Juliet is conveniently at the Fashion’s Night Out pre-party that Nate’s at. What a coincidence! With everything normal in Gossip Girl-world, Georgina needs to step in and stir things up. Dan has been keeping Baby Milo a secret, so she decides the perfect time to announce to the whole entire world that Dan is her baby daddy is at the fancy-shmancy pre-party! Georgina shows up, baby on hip, to tell the world that Rufus Humphrey is a proud new grandpapa! She then delivers my favorite line of the episode while rationalizing everything to Lily, “I know you think I’m a schemer and pathologically selfish, and that’s true…” Flash across the pond to France, and Blair is still being a whiny bitch about Serena getting the prince and Serena going to Columbia and Serena, Serena, Serena. She’s sick of being in S’s shadow, as per usual, and decides to be her usual self by asking Serena to go to a different school – what a nice, unselfish request! All the drama and cat-fighting climaxes when B shoves S into a fountain and then resumes her position at the dinner table. S comes back, drenched and looking like a drowned rat, to ask her date, the Prince, to escort her back home. Prince-y poo says yes and the two skip off, holding flowers underneath the rainbow. Blair is livid that Serena still got the Prince, so she acts like a brat some more. But oh my gosh, PLOT TWIST. Blair’s date was the prince all along and he was testing her to see if she liked him just for his title! Guess B failed that test… bummer. Meanwhile, the Swiss Family Robinson, I mean, the Humphreys, are all happy to play family because the paternity test came back positive! Baby Milo is Dan’s afterall! So, because clearly the Gossip Girl characters all learn from their past endeavors, Dan decides he’s going to hold off on telling Serena that he has a son. Another ingenious plan considering they had left off last season with a slightly incest-like step-sibling romantic scene. But this happy family won’t last long, considering G is last seen exiting the loft with her passport in tow. And while all this is going on, Nate has brought his new conquest, Juliet, back to his hotel room. Except Chuck’s leftover sexploits are all quite busy using the room for their own fun… Oops. So Juliet huffs off with a little bit of an ‘I deserve better’ attitude, leaving Nate alone-y. Poor baby, give me a call! And because we can’t get enough of our fav cat fighters, we flash back to Paris where Blair is fixing her screw-ups. A quick cry over how everything is because of Chuck and she doesn’t want to be alone forever and blah blah blah and all is forgiven! She and Serena, whose hair looks amazing considering she was just shoved into a fountain, are best friends again! They decided to go to Columbia together and live happily ever after! Let’s see how long that lasts… Nate kicks out Chuck’s ex-biddies and calls Juliet, releasing all of his Serena dramz and agreeing to go for coffee. How sensitive of him, he’s trying to recover from all the pain Serena caused him! But wait… Juliet isn’t what she seems! She’s poor! She keeps the tags on her clothes! And wait… she has a really creepy cork board full of pictures of Serena and Nate. Um, creepy stalker much? Guess it was time for the producers to pull that card… Lily gets a call that a body has washed up. It could be Chuck! But of course not, because then our favorite couple Chair (Chuck+Blair=Chair) couldn’t end up together! Don’t worry kiddies, in a very confusing flash of images, we’re told that Chuck is alive being cared for by Fleur Delacour, I mean, a girl who’s played by the actress that played Fleur Delacour in Harry Potter, and living a new life as Henry Prince. Good thing they’re living under the radar and heading to Paris! Wait… Chuck is in Paris. Blair is in Paris. Can’t wait for next week’s episode!
Original Author: Alyssa Leventhal