September 16, 2010

Unimpeachable Relationship Advice

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[Note appended Jan. 24, 2011]

If you are reading this column, I would imagine that you have great taste and you are probably hot. If so, then congratulations, because you have overcome one of life’s greatest obstacles — which is, of course, being hot. Believe it or not, beautiful people encounter problems in life. Even after we finally find a parking spot for our Mercedes or figure out how to cram fistfuls of $20’s into our handmade wallets, we still have problems understanding the opposite sex.

Ladies and gents, you have come to the right place for relationship advice. Ladies, thinking like a guy is one of my greatest strengths, and gents, though I’ve never actually “interacted” with girls during my four years at Cornell, I have learned a great deal about the fairer sex through stalking observation.

Why am I writing a column on relationship advice? Because every girl deserves to meet Prince Charming just as every guy deserves to hear the words, “Damn, she hooked up with you?”

Advice for Girls

• Does he write for The Sun? If not, he’s not worth talking to because if he doesn’t have that quality, then he is not me.

• Italics are sexy. Try to incorporate them in your flirtatious Gchat/BBM conversations. For example: Hey you! going to the library todayyyy? It’s also sexy to type the last letter of a sentence multiple times as if you are seizing on the keyboard. To put it plainly: Italics + multiple y’s = sex.

• Like women, men like to be complimented on their appearance. If you were to tell a guy that he is funny, it would be nice. But it’s not a game changer. However, if you were to tell a guy that the darkness of his jeans accentuates the bulge in his pants, you will be in Mr. Right’s arms/pants in no time.

• Here is a completely true and unabridged version of how my last relationship ended: “Why didn’t he text me after his 1:25 class?  Wait, wasn’t last night’s Skype convo 10 minutes shorter than usual?!? OH GOD IT’S OVER!! I HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH HIM BEFORE HE DOES IT TO ME!!” I tell this story because I feel like women give men way too much credit for understanding the basics of communication. Guys are simple creatures and in a womanless world would probably communicate through a series of grunts and farts. It wasn’t until a heart-to-heart with a lady friend that I realized how terrible of a communicator I was. So don’t over-analyze things and do your best to convey your frustrations to your guy. As long as you don’t steal his phone to call every female in his address book or kick a hole in his precious Taylor guitar (another tragic story) then you are okay in my book.

Advice for Guys

• Every guy knows that confidence is key to approaching women. But many of us fail to notice the fine line that is often crossed into desperation. Whatever you do, do not — I repeat DO NOT — come off as desperate because it is a repellant to ladies, or so I’ve been told.

• In the quest for the ultimate pickup line, I’ve come across several duds. As a wise old senior I’ve reached the conclusion that there is no such thing as the perfect, or even decent, pickup line. The pickup line is a Hollywood concoction that exists in the same mythical realm as the CGI in Avatar and Brad Pitt’s abs. Most succeed in one thing, and that’s at failing miserably. To be fair though, there is one place where pickup lines do have a chance: a crowded, dimly lit bar where the girl can’t hear you.

• Cornell students are busy. We run three clubs while taking 18 credits and learning two languages. It’s for this reason that spontaneous acts of kindness mean so much to us. Who has time to do these things? Surprise your girlfriend with cookies the next time she is pulling an all-nighter at the library. Random, sporadic “You look hot today” texts pay huge dividends.

So there you have it. Seven high-fiving, groin-grabbing, 100-percent guaranteed bits of advice that will more than raise your game with the opposite sex. And if one of these iron-clad, completely serious rules of attraction fails you, just remember one additional piece of advice.

Do not sue me.

Amyn Bandali is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. He may be contacted at [email protected]. Ramblings appears alternate Fridays this semester.

[Ed. note: In January 2011, this columnist was revealed to have used passages that were identical or nearly identical to passages found in Andrew Webb’s ’08 column, Confessions of a Mental Patient. For a full explanation of the situation and the reactions from Sun editors, click here.]

Original Author: Amyn Bandali