Episode Two opens with Serena and Blair at a Parisian café. Serena’s hair is in a half-elaborate-evening-bun, half-low-ponytail poof. She’s wearing electric blue, cropped harem pants paired with a sequined silver blazer with shoulder pads. Nice look Serena. I guess since Blair had the ridiculous look last episode, the stylist had to throw S a bone. Chalk that up to 2 ridiculous outfits this season, for those who are keeping score.
Blair and Serena’s lunch is interrupted by a phone call from Lily, calling to report to Serena that “Chuck’s” body has been found in a river. She asks Serena to go to the morgue and identify the body. Because seeing the dead body of your close-friend, somewhat step-brother is not traumatic at all. Serena agrees to, like any good daughter would, and leaves Blair with a quick goodbye. Good thing it’s not Chuck in the body bag! Stateside, Nate and Juliet are BFFs, chatting happily about Nate’s sad tale of Serena and the Serena situation and how he loves Serena and Serena Serena Serena. Cry me a river. Juliet, the girl with the Nate and Serena cork board, offers help in the form of life coaching to Nate, which he accepts. Nate and Juliet then go to Dan’s loft and find him singing the best song of the episode:To the tune of “This Land is Your Land” “This loft is my loft/This loft is your loft/Where’s your Aunt Jenny/ She moved to Hudson/ She wears leggings.” Baby Milo definitely appreciated that. Nate takes D’s phone, sees an unread text from S, freaks out like a 13 year old girl, and infers that Dan knew about this text and was lying when he had said he hadn’t spoken to her. Because clearly it wasn’t a new, unread text for any reason. Enter Vanessa Abrams (Jessica Szohr), Dan’s ex-girlfriend slash best friend, in RIDICULOUS OUTFIT NUMBER THREE of the season, a teal striped sweater tank with floral print, high-wasted skinnies. Ohhh kay, V. But she’s got Juliet there to pull her aside and tell her she forgot to check the mirror, I mean, tell her that D still has feelings for her. And Nate confirms. But whoops, they actually don’t know this. They just want V to occupy D so that S can be N’s! So, Vanessa makes a move on Dan. They kiss. And have sex. Then V opens up her big, fat mouth and tells Dan that Nate was the one who told her to go for it. Annoyed Dan time. Back in France, Blair is pushing Serena to choose between Dan and Nate. Not like they should have a say in this or anything… But S tells B about C possibly being dead, and B doesn’t seem worried. Because it’s okay, Blair has a date with Louis the Royal to distract her! Even after acting like a spoiled bitch, Blair still scores a date with the hot, French, sweet, smart, rich, royal! Chuck and Fleur (she is STILL nameless, get on that producers!) have been shacking up and trying to earn enough money to leave Paris. So pimp-cane in hand, Chuck hobbles somewhere to get a ridiculous amount of his inheritance and then hobbles back home to Fleury-poo-poo-pants. When… OH SHIT! Serena shows up at the door, trying to convince Chuck to own up to his mistakes. Clever Chuck is all, “Oh, I’m not Chuck, you’re mistaken, blah blah blah, brooding time.” But then once Fleur is out of earshot, they have a real conversation. Chuck tells Serena that he lost the one thing he’s ever cared about. Aw. Speaking of the one thing he’s ever cared about, Blair has been invited by Louis to an elegant ball. And as ever good-girl knows, no good ball is complete without a beautiful dress and some jewels! Good thing Louis knows this too, seeing as he’s sent her a bunch of dresses to choose from a chauffeur to take her to Harry Winston. Blair chooses a beautiful red dress, which she looks gorgeous in, and is all set to go to Harry Winston when she gets a text from Serena about Chuck. She tries to ignore it, but Serena won’t let her. At the jewelry store, detective in tow, Serena barges in as Blair is looking at some fancy shmancy ring and explains everything to Blair. Blair finds out that Chuck had been shot. SADFACE! She also finds out that he had gotten shot because he had refused to give up the fancy shmancy ring she is currently looking at and that he had planned on proposing to her with. MAJOR SADFACE! Blair has to choose between Louis and Chuck. Should she go to the ball with Louis or stop Chuck from getting an alternate identity and falling off the face of the Earth? MEANWHILE, in New York, Vanessa confronts Nate and Dan about whether or not Dan actually told Nate that Dan had feelings for Vanessa. And because Dan is so graceful under pressure, he gets flustered and tells her the truth. So V, all upset that Nate and Juliet had been fucking with her, discovers that this is all because of Serena. Serena Serena Serena. The girl isn’t even on the continent and she’s getting all the attention! Dan and Nate then go on the rooftop to have a heart-to-heart, pound back some Brewski’s, and chiiiiiiiiiiiill. But back to who we really care about: Chair. Chuck and Blair finally come face to face at the train station for the climactic, deep conversation the audience has been waiting for! Bad acting included for free! Chuck wants to be a person someone could love, apparently, even though he destroyed the one thing he ever did love. Blair tells him someone did love him, but that someone doesn’t anymore. Liar. But she also tells him to be a man, not to run away, and to face what he did. Good advice, B! She returns the fancy shmancy ring from Harry Winston, thus cutting all ties of the heart for both of them. Yeah, right. But as least this is the closure she needed to help her realize that the beautiful, hot, intelligent, rich, sweet Frenchman is not the fairytale she wants right now. So, she gives him her shoe, à la Cinderella, and tells him to find her in New York. And finally, Serena is back in New York, waiting to receive a warm welcoming from her boys and watch them battle it out for her heart! Oh… Wait… they have their own girls. Sucks. And oh, wait. Dan has a son she didn’t know about! And wait! Rufus and Lily discover that Milo’s blood type is not something he could have if he actually were Dan’s son! Ohhhh shittttt! Peace out, Baby Milo! Too bad Mama Georgina is on a ‘spa trip!’ And wait! Juliet is on the phone, sketchily saying what she did was necessary as she takes off all the weird pictures from her creeper cork board, leaving behind one – Serena’s mugshot. And wait! Fleur and Chuck are coming back to New York! He finally tells her his real name. She doesn’t really seem to care about that. All she cares about is how they’re getting tickets.
But Chuck reassures her, “We don’t need tickets. I’m Chuck Bass.” Theeeeeere’s the ego we know and love!
Original Author: Alyssa Leventhal