September 23, 2010

Alumni Come Home, Thankfully Not for Good

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Those creepy old people milling around Collegetown can only mean one thing: HEROIC Homecoming weekend. The bars will be flooded with alumni looking to reclaim their glory days, and, for the only time other than graduation, Schoellkopf Field has a chance to be near capacity, especially if people show up in droves to the HEROIC second annual Homecoming parade. Let’s hope that the football team puts forth a better effort against VILLAINOUS Yale than it did last weekend at Wagner — a 41-7 loss to those VILLAINOUS Football Championship Subdivision (Division I-AA) Staten Island powerhouses. In retrospect, the Medium Red footballers had no chance against The Situation, J-Woww and the rest of the Wagner Fightin’ Waggles. Hopefully we’ll keep it a little closer against the Jersey Shore castmember-less Yales this Saturday.But lo! There may be a cure to Cornell’s VILLAINOUS football woes on the horizon. After a HEROIC anonymous trustee donated $10 million to start a canine genomics program — the first in the world — at our very own College of Veterinary Medicine, we might be only a year or two away from an entire team of Air Bud: Golden Receivers. We’d like to see the fundamentally-sound overachieving VILLAINS at Harvard or Yale deal with that short of sheer athleticism and ultra-sensitive hearing.Despite this new dog project thingy, the University was ranked in the mid-teens by two more VILLAINOUS-LY arbitrary ranking systems. However, it was HEROICALLY rated the top Ivy League school for on-campus recruiting — a.k.a. churning out the VILLAINOUS spreadsheet-crunching automatons that swarmed the “General Interest” career fair.But we cannot fully blame these now-soulless fairgoers for making their deals with the Devil. After all, they need the money to pay off the VILLAINOUS jaywalking tickets they’ve been amassing over the past two weeks. That’s right, in an attempt to apprehend student piggy banks, normally-HEROIC Cornell lawmen have begun ticketing for the apparently VILLAINOUS crime of walking across the street when no cars are coming. This attempt to criminalize the act of making it to class on time will undoubtedly lead to a campus-wide protest that will probably be centered around really witty ITHACA IS CROSSWALKS stickers.In other news, 84 HEROIC student groups were VILLAINOUS-LY denied funding when the VILLAINOUS Student Assembly Finance Commission server pooped the bed and crashed right as applications were due. This put the HEROICALLY proposed Organic North Vermont Maple Syrup Appreciation Council in a sticky situation (hey now!). Having been denied funding by the VILLAINOUS glitch, they will never get to confront the already-established Organic South Vermont Maple Syrup Appreciation Council in an absurdly delicious debate, tentatively titled “Flapjack Friday 2010.”Now, to wrap it up, a word on the Sun’s HEROIC 130th birthday last week. In the past 130 years, The Sun has bore witness to HEROISM and VILLAINY in all their manifestations. And while the world around our fair paper has changed dramatically, we have persisted each and every weekday by reporting the news, commentating on the issues and consistently infuriating our readers with a bevy of typos.Happy Homecoming.