September 29, 2010

Hell’s Kitchen Recap: Gandhi’s Flip Flops Are Made Of Salmon

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With another 2 hour episode, I’m getting heartburn thinking about all the RAAAAAW drama. But then again, this is THE SEASON OF SUPRISES. Maybe next week we’ll get a 3 hour episode. Or the producers will create a Hell’s Kitchen Channel and the fun will never stop! (Replace “fun” with “stupid people”).

And now, the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen.

Raj was thanking Jesus for still being around after Curtis was eliminated and did a happy dance to show appreciation. Meanwhile, the women declared “we have a strong ass team…except for Emily. She needs to go back to that nursing home she works in.” (Cue Raj screaming repeatedly and Trev calling Raj a tool).  This household is almost as dysfunctional as my house. Almost…

AND IN THE SEASON OF SUPRISES, the chefs were actually SURPRISED at 5am by a team of EMTs storming the dorms and “pinching them all over the place” (Yes Raj, that’s what they’re trained for). Why were they there?  Because Chef Ramsey wanted to find out if there was something physically wrong with them. And SURPRISE, SURPRISE…(dramatic pause)…they are all perfectly fine. So that means it’s all mental, “upstairs, between the ears.”

But after taking all of their blood pressures, those EMTs were hungry. So after kidnapping every EMT in Los Angeles, the chefs were to cook the teams breakfast. After challenges that included missing pineapple, burnt bacon and Raj sticking his head in a refrigerator, the challenge was won by the red team. Reward: the women were treated to a poolside lunch. They finally get to ride in the Hell’s Kitchen SUV! This marks the first challenge they’ve won. Plot Twist! The Punishment: The men had to polish cocktail glasses and cleaning the kitchens. It’s not the worst challenge ever, so I’m not sure why the men were bitching.  And then Trev & Raj had a standoff and Trev told Raj to go “have a heart-attack on your recliner.”

Besides a poolside lunch, the women got to go to trapeze school. I trapezed once at summer camp-it’s actually really fun and I have “trapeze acrobat” as my back-up career. Oh, and Nona was giddy over Chef Ramsey as he patted her down after she had champagne spilled on her by a waiter.

The next day, Baby Spice decided to skip prep. BUT SHE’S A FUCKING PREP CHEF! That’s like me being a writer and deciding NOT TO WRITE! Whatever, I’m going to go do some of those Mr. Miyagi arm movements Raj does, because that seems to calm him down.

Service started, and Raj was on fish. I mention this because he claimed people know who he is and to Google his name. I did. Search results: “British Raj”, “The Raj,” “Raj Tents.” No chef Raj. He claims to have cooked “thousands of thousands of thousands of pieces of salmon in his life.” He’s killing the ecosystem!

On the red side, there was a huge salt problem. So make up for the lack of food coming out of both kitchens, the focus shifted to the Mixology station. Baby Spice was making fun of James, so I now have more respect for her. I like that Hell’s Kitchen doesn’t card- they just give you complimentary alcohol. Tell your friends.

“What do you think this is a talkshow!? SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH AND COOK THE FISH!” No Chef Ramsey, this is not a talkshow, this is serious documentary chronicling the majestic art of cooking. And then Raj decided to eat the food. “How can Chef Ramsey expect me not to eat this delicious food?” And while Raj was having “snack time” (thanks witty narrator!), Gail was having “nap time” and set a piece of beef on fire.” Summary: Service sucked, but not as badly as last week.

Elimination Red Team:  Emily (“she’s not an asset to the team”) & Baby Spice (“she’s a weak link and does jack-shit during prep”).  And why should Baby Spice stay… “I have bigger balls then all of them!”

And the eliminated contestant is … Raj.

There is officially justice on this show. I think that I can go to sleep tonight and not worry that I’ll have to write specific paragraphs devoted to Raj in the next recap. Last parting words: “I didn’t get along with Chef Ramsey, I didn’t get along with Scott, I didn’t like the menu. But it was a great experience and I’m glad I did it.”

And now for episode 4!

Forget the women’s unity from last episode. That’s looooong gone. The men were drinkin’ beers and toasting the “100 pound gorilla’s” departure.

And now, a PSA from Hell’s Kitchen. Chef Ramsey was shocked to learn that half of the contestants smoke.  He challenged them not to smoke for the next 48 hours because it affects the palette. This is like asking a girl scout to not sell cookies. Trev was displeased.

Challenge: Ravioli. They had to make it from scratch and then as a team, rank them 1-6. And the new “dead weight” is…Baby Spice. And the new tool is…Trev. Trev+Baby Spice=Raj. At the end of 30 minutes Gail moved her ranking to last. As an executive chef, that’s saying a lot, mainly “I suck.”

I don’t care for ravioli, so I’m not at liberty to judge what looked good and not. So I’ll just cut to the chase and say it came down to a tie (SURPRISE) between no-confidence Gail and Trev.  And Trev won it, complained that no one even tasted his ravioli (“Who has two thumbs and thinks he’s the shit? This guy.” That was cool maybe…3 years ago? Maybe?). So the women were back to cleaning and …milking cows for some fresh mozzarella. Except for Baby Spice.

Reward: Helicopter ride (which the men then started shouting “Helicopter” repeatedly like the seagulls in Finding Nemo.) . They then played golf at a resort and we learned that Vinny has no interest in golf, but has awesome beginners luck. And that Boris is now a samurai by the way he was chopping up the green.  And just when they were bonding…Trev opened up his last-place loser mouth and jumped around. But after yelling it out, they raised their shot glasses and called it a draw. Until they got back to the dorms.

So Trev started “cozying” up to the girls and broke the “No Smoking” law by smoking with Gail and asking if she wanted to make out. He was rebuffed. (My bff Hell’s Kitchen Narrator felt the need to point it out the failure. He’s awesome).

It’s Italian night in Hell’s Kitchen, with a side of Jack Osbourne. Melissa was sending out “stone cold ravioli.” Russell successfully sent out appetizers to Jack Osbourne’s approval. Things were moving smoothly until Louie’s salmon also became “stone cold.” Back to Melissa, Chef Ramsey was giving her math lessons (3×3 does not equal 6. I just wish I was competing against her for a job…). Finally, red appetizers were out and Baby Spice was on the meat station, where she had the brilliant battle cry “It’s time to either put out or get out!” (That’s what she said).  Melissa helped out Baby Spice so the customers wouldn’t have to suffer.  And then Gail’s pasta was crunchy.

On the blue side, Rob was sending out burnt pizza and was sent to the bar to eat it. Or as Trev put it “That’s not a challenge, come on! He sent the fat guy to eat the pizza.” Classy. They blue side’s entrée’s continued to take forever, and a customer was waiting for the entrees to propose to her. Chef Ramsey then yelled the they’ll break up before the entrée’s get out. I’m not sure how long that marriage would last if they’re breaking up over late entrees, but ok. And then Boris came up with the brilliant idea of washing dishes RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER SERVICE. So he was kicked out. Then Louis was kicked out. Vinny decided he was a superhero and was a leader. This might have been because it was Italian night, but I’ll give him this one.

The women finished and were sent to aid the blue team. The food was dying and Chef Ramsey couldn’t stand the “funeral” anymore. So off with their heads! Or at least, out of the kitchen. Trev decided it was the women’s fault, because that makes sense. Andy & Scott finished dinner service (The man proposed to his girlfriend and she seemed completely indifferent).


Red: “Melissa (because… she was being yelled at a lot) and Gail, no, um… Baby Spice (she is consistently behind on everything). “

Blue: Louie (couldn’t get anything right on meat) and Boris (he was washing dishes).

And the eliminated contestant is…Louie. (Chef Ramsey: Get back to camp!)

Will they turn it around? Is Sabrina a “ghetto-ass bitch?”

Original Author: Allie Miller