[Note appended Jan. 24, 2011]
In my last column I spoke about relationship advice and a few people sent me messages such as, “Hey Amyn, I tried all of your advice but none if it helped.” Well of course it didn’t silly, it’s because you’re not popular. In an effort to improve my readership, I’ve decided to tackle one of life’s greatest challenges: how to become popular. Popularity is pretty much the single greatest thing any person can possess, and when you attain it, you can finally reaffirm how great of a person you actually are.
Popular people are happy and spend their days relishing in their success. If you don’t believe me, just ask a celebrity. Other than their cocaine addictions and affinity for prostitutes, celebrities are some of the happiest people on the world. If that last sentence didn’t convince you on merits of popularity, consider this equation I just thought of.
Being Popular = Hot Girls
As the urge for popularity has become more err … popular, there have never been so many ways to rise to the top. Cornell has many social circles, so if you mess one up you can always move to another and find a newer, better group of people to cling to. For each beer pong-playing frat bro there is a PBR-guzzling hipster. Yes, the playing fields for each group are different but the rules of achieving popularity are all the same.
— If you are watching one of Beyonce’s music videos, do not say it’s because of the choreography. You better say it’s because she’s hot.
— Develop some generic fit-in phrases. They are a great way to fit in and influence people from an early stage. To give you an example, here’s my fit-in phrase from freshman year: “Really? I like Sperry’s and Keystone too!”
— Talk about drinking. You are at a party and run into a group of people you know. You don’t have much in common and suddenly the conversation goes into a lull. In this situation the conversation usually starts turning into a one-up contest of crazy nights each person has recently had. These conversations have always dumbfounded me. We are at a good party surrounded by our friends, and yet we’re spending a half an hour discussing crazy things we’ve done in other parties? We’re living in the present! There’s crazy shit yet to be done! But regardless of my opinion, these conversations do happen and you should be prepared to have or two stories prepared when you inevitably try to one up a friend.
— After I meet someone I immediately check out their Facebook profile. Based on the number of friends they have, I decide whether or not to continue speaking with them. This sounds harsh, but the number of Facebook friends is an excellent indication of how popular a person is. Guys, get over 1,000 friends. Ladies, 1,200 is the goal. The extra 200 is simply a buffer of all the men who have friend-ed you in an attempt to stalk you. How do I know this? No reason in particular…
— There is something intriguing about a person who is well traveled. “Yeah, I was in Milan last weekend. It’s less hectic than Barcelona but just as scenic as Cordova.” They have one of those indiscernible accents, long-flowing hair and hot European girlfriends. I find myself wondering if these people actually live in Ithaca. That thought alone is why they’re so awesome.
— Get an iPad. Other than being an iPhone for professional basketball players and people over 6’8”, the iPad’s only practical purpose is to show how rich you are. Splurge on this completely necessary status symbol.
— This brings me to an additional point: the importance of money. The more money you have, the happier and more popular you are. Just look at employees in the Financial Sector. Investment bankers are wealthy so they must be happy.
(According to my editor Tony, “anyone who has taken a psych class will learn that wealthier people are not necessarily happier.” Well, Tony, the majority of Americans haven’t taken a psych class at Cornell, so most would disagree with you.)
So these are my steps to becoming popular and finally achieving happiness because Hot Girls = Happiness.
To conclude, I’d like to thank the people who wrote me fan mail for my last column on relationship advice. Continue fighting the good fight, which is writing me more fan mail.
[Ed. note: In January 2011, this columnist was revealed to have used passages that were identical or nearly identical to passages found in Andrew Webb’s ’08 column, Confessions of a Mental Patient. For a full explanation of the situation and the reactions from Sun editors, click here.]
Original Author: Amyn Bandali