Last week, the Upper East Siders moved in together: Chuck with Eva, Serena with Blair, and Dan with Vanessa.This week, the newly remodeled Chuck Bass is being charitable, all thanks to the influence of his new beau! He’s been donating money left and right because he’s finally giving back to the society that gave him so much! Or some other bullshit crap. Thanks for your influence, Eva. Maybe next time you can influence him into donating to the college fund of one very needy blogger? Serena and Blair are sitting in their new living arrangements, complaining about their boy situations. Serena has no boys, because Dan’s with Vanessa and Nate’s with Juliet and Blair has no boys, because Chuck’s with Eva. Boohoo. Blair’s all distraught that Chuck bought Eva some super expensive diamond encrusted watch that may or may not have cost more than all the gifts he had bought Blair! The two friends decide to make a pact to avoid meddling into the lives of their former flames. So they say bye-bye to checking Gossip Girl and hello to staying in and having a girls night! Vanessa and Dan are now living together also. She’s being all housewife-y and cooking breakfast for them, except with four plates. Oh no! What’s this? An intervention because Dan’s been all depressed since Georgina took away baby Milo and is incommunicative about his feelings? Because these aren’t normal reactions for a teenaged guy in response to losing a family member! So she calls in Rufus and Lily to try and help Dan finally talk about his feelings. But Dan’s pretending he’s fine without Milo, and he politely excuses himself from breakfast to go meet Nate. Hey, Dan? Your hair looks stupid. BUT INSTEAD OF GOING TO MEET NATE HE CALLS UP SERENA! Dramzzzzz! He and Serena agree to go take a walk where they have lots of fun, reenacting the good old days, blahblahblah. Blair goes to the jewelry store where Chuck had bought Eva her watch in order to investigate just how much it cost. While she’s there, she sees Eva selling it back for cash! So of course, like any good blackmailer would, she videotapes the affair and saves it on her phone. She then pops in on Chuck at his apartment and shows him that Eva sold it for a lot of money. But apparently Saint Eva had sold the watch in order to get money for Ivan the Chauffeur’s mom’s house which was about to go into foreclosure or some bullshit on par with that. Greaaaat. Looks like S and B are really keeping their promise to stay out of C, D, and N’s affairs. Blair is convinced that Eva is using Chuck for his money, just like everyone else in his life has, and decided she’s going to befriend her in order to find out what she can and use it against her. Atta girl, Blair! So she puts Dan and Serena to work, having them snoop online while she’s out pretend-friending Eva. Dan tells Serena that things have been weird with Vanessa and that it’s because he isn’t over Serena yet. And Serena kind of chooses Dan. Ewwwww he’s her step brother! Their parents are married! Icky icky! Blair’s fake friending Eva has confirmed one thing: the girl really is a saint. Everything Blair throws at her, she accepts graciously. EXCEPT WAIT! From their super sleuthing, Dan and Serena found out that Eva is a PROSTITUTE! Blair tells Dan he can’t tell anyone because she has to wait for the opportune moment. So of course he tells Nate. Who tells Chuck. Who tries to play it off like he knew all along when really he didn’t. Good thing Chuck’s hosting a charity ball where this can all come out in the open! AND WE’RE INTRODUCED TO OUFIT NUMBER FOUR OF THE SEASON! Serena’s wearing a long, red dress that would have been pretty if it hadn’t been for the disgusting cutouts someone placed along the ribcage of it. And then what made it superb was the random half down half messy braided hair that she was rocking. And I used that term loosely. Blair then tries to tell Chuck about Eva, but obviously he already knows. Blair thn tries to imply that this will be a situation like his mother all over again. Vanessa finally calls D and S out on their bullshit with each other. She wants to know why Dan lied to her about where he was going. She then tells Dan that he needs to find out why Serena did all the things she did to him at the end of last season. So Dan goes and asks Serena if she was coming home to him or to Nate. Serena tells him that she was still trying to decide. Dan sadly tells her that some people don’t even have to choose and then walks away. Chuck announces to the whole gala that he’s making a foundation in Eva’s name and giving five million dollars to it for her to decide how to donate it and to where. Blair then finds an America passport in Eva’s envelope. But she’s European… So why does she have an American passport? BECAUSE IT’S CHUCK’S! She had the passport from when he got mugged so she knew who he was when she took care of him! Blair shows this to Chuck, who tells Eva to leave and only take what she came with. Damnnnn, that girl’s going to be leaving behind some beautiful dresses! I’ll take one! We then find Chuck at the bar where Lily’s coming to update him on the status of his belongings. Apparently they had just been put in his room. Wait. What things? Oh why the passport that had just been shipped from Europe of course! So Chuck then sprints to try and catch Eva. He begs her to stay, tells her it was a misunderstanding. But Eva says he chose to believe Blair because he has this connection with her that won’t ever go away. Eva decides to leave for her home, despite Chuck’s rabid protests. Nate finally confronts Juliet about how she’s been avoiding him and lying and leaving and been shifty and blahblahblah. He asks her why she received a text from Ben. When she doesn’t answer, her ends things with her, telling her that clearly she doesn’t like Serena because Serena reminds her of herself. Ouch. But then Juliet catches up with later and tells him Ben is her troubled brother. So now they’re all solid again and going back to Juliet’s apartment. Good thing she finally took down the creepy stalker cork-board! Except oops, they’re not going to Juliet’s. They’re going to some random penthouse that Juliet is pretending is hers! Dan comes home to Milo’s empty crib and Vanessa sitting there with all her packed belongings. Dan finally comes to terms with his feelings and tells V that losing Milo broke his heart. It broke Vanessa’s too. So now they’re good again. But with all this happiness has to come something a little darker… Chuck at Blair’s place! He confronts her about her manipulation and the passport. And then he drops the big whopper of a question by asking her if she still loves him. She blatantly lies and says she can’t still love him. So, then Chuck declares this is war, Bass versus Waldorf, no limits, deathmatch, all that good stuff. He then walks out, leaving Blair to go cry to Serena about it. So… how much longer am I going to have to wait for them to get back together?
Original Author: Alyssa Leventhal