October 6, 2010

Hell’s Kitchen Recap: It’s My Party And I Can Cook If I Want To

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Boris is not the Russian Mafia man I once thought he was. At elimination last week, he proclaimed that he was one of the strongest chefs on the teams. So now everyone expects him to step up. The Russian Mob would never do that. On the red team, Baby Spice is still pissed. “Be honest, do you really see those fat fuckers at L.A. Market?”

This week’s challenge: Hell’s Kitchen is hosting The Beverly Hills High School prom (“I didn’t go to prom-I was too wasted”-Jillian). This excited Nona to no end because she has no distinction between reality and fiction and thought that the characters from 90210 were coming.  To discuss the menu, the chefs had a video chat with the prom committee and a television fell from the sky! Miracles are real! When asking for the theme, they committee said it’s ‘Old Hollywood’ so they want it “classy.” Have they ever seen this show? I guess they have seen the show, for as the committee was signing out of the chat, they all collectively shouted “Please don’t mess it up!”

Boris sucks as a leader. He wasn’t even allowed to speak. Or do anything in the kitchen for that matter. The prom committee then skipped school to taste the food. For the appetizer, the crab cake by Baby Spice was picked over Vinny’s tuna (“Stupid kids.”). Rob wanted to commit a felony by shaking the children because they didn’t like his entrée and Nona’s entrée won it for the women. And then Baby Spice blew kisses saying “I love y’all.” Palm to forehead. Repeat. Apparently, the women had a shut out for the first time in history of Hell’s Kitchen.

The prize: The women got to go to an amusement park, where Erin won a giant blue gorilla that “looked like Boris.” They went on rides! They took ‘Boobalicous’ pictures! And Gail felt peer-pressured into screaming! I’m sure there’s some psychology theory behind that…why would women ever fake screaming? Hmm…

The punishment: Set up prom. Which wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for having to do it with James. I’d rather milk a cow from last week’s punishment then do that. He was a fuddy-duddy when Rob tried to be funny and dance around in a table cloth (“Do not crease my linens!”). He bothers me. But not as much as the high school prom committee bothers the blue team. And then the high schoolers made the mistake of trying to be cheerful:

High School Kid:“So, teamwork is what it’s all about. You know, teamwork in the kitchen!”

Russell: “Don’t talk to me about the kitchen. You don’t know about kitchens.”

He then ranted about how he wasn’t here for his 15 minutes of fame, implying that they were and proclaimed himself a “grown-ass man.” I’m not making this up.

“There have been special events in Hell’s Kitchen before, but never as there been a high school prom!” I wonder how many times the narrator laughed when reading that line. Seriously? There’s been weddings at Hell’s Kitchen and you are saying that a prom is more important than that!?  The best line of the entire night had to come from an off-screen voice holding up a t-shirt and he goes “Wow! I love Ed Hardey!” I had to pause the episode and laugh until I was in physical pain from laughing.

During dinner service, I mean prom, crab cakes were holding up both teams. But the real problem for the red team began when Melissa started cooking entrees before all the appetizers were out. This started the Greek chorus:

“I wouldn’t even do that!” observed Baby Spice.

“Oh Hell No!” shouted Nona.

“You can’t be normal” yelled Chef Ramsey.

Melissa’s excuse: “Sometimes I just get stupid.” Subject has become self-aware.

At this point in service, I couldn’t decide who is more incompetent: Boris or Melissa. Both teams were pretty on-par with each other. That is, until Chef Ramsey held up 2 plates with mysterious purple goo on them. “What what what!!? What is that!? Ahhhh! It looks like Barbie’s vomit! It’s like purple snot!” And as Jillian said, “nobody wants to eat purple piles of baby poop on a plate.”

Dinner service ended and the prom-goers were happy. The men won and Russell was given high praise for leading the team in the best blue service. Baby Spice was crowned the ‘Best of the Worst.’ Nona had a huge problem with this.


Sabrina nominated Melissa (duh) and Emily (“it’s obvious she’s in way over her head”).

And the eliminated chef is…Emily.

Part II will be up shortly.

Original Author: Allie Miller