October 6, 2010

The Wonders Of The Web

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Distilling liquor has been a pastime, an art, and a way of life for thousands, if not millions of years. Generations of skilled workers have passed down hand-crafted, perfected recipes to produce the nectar of the Gods we all know and love: alcohol.

Over the years liquor has served as a medium of exchange, a cause for war, and of course liquid courage. For years rare and premium booze was a log sought-after commodity that inspired the founding fathers, pirates, gangsters, and frat bros. Booze may remain a commodity, but thanks to the wonders of the internet, access to alcohol is now at your fingertips.  That’s right; almost every brand of liquor now has its own website! Cool right? At least until you reach the realization that there really isn’t much content you can put on a website about booze. For some reason the liquor industry has com to the conclusion that the solution to the lack of relevant content is to come up with a recipe section which includes 20-30 drinks exclusively featuring their brand of liquor.As good as that sounds, I’m pretty sure most of these recipes were written by someone with far less experience than a Daily Sun Mixologist or a frequent patron of Stella’s for that matter. Here are some of the most ridiculous drinks you will find on liquor websites Patron Silver Spice from patrontequila.com

1.5 oz Patron Silver

1.5 oz Pink Grapefruit Juice

1 inch Whole Red Chili

.5 oz Sugar Syrup

.75 oz Lime Juice

.25 oz Agave Syrup

Lightly crush Red Chili, add ingredients, shake with ice and strain into a martini glass, garnish with another whole Red Chili.

What’s wrong? Where do I even begin? Grapefruit and Red Chili’s this drink sounds like some sort of concoction that would be featured in Fear Factor.

Gentleman Jack & Berries from jackdaniels.com

1 oz of Gentleman Jack® Rare Tennessee Whiskey

3 dashes orange bitters

.5 oz Chambord®

1 oz cranberry juice

Red raspberries

Shake ingredients with ice and strain into a martini glass, garnish with 3 red.

What’s wrong? Gentleman Jack is outstanding on its own; who would want to dilute and cover up its taste with this fruity mess? Use your Barton’s in this one and drink the Jack straight.

Silver and Soda from captainmorgan.com

1.5 oz. Captain Morgan ® Silver Spiced Rum

6 oz. club soda

1 wedge lime

Add Captain Morgan ® Silver Spiced Rum and club soda in ice-filled glass and stir, garnish with lime.

What’s wrong? Most people I know don’t enjoy being able to taste rum in their drinks, and in this case club soda isn’t going to fix that; stick to the G&T.

Colorado Bulldog, Swedish from absolut.com

1 Part Absolut Vodka

3 Parts Cola

1 Part Kahlúa

1 Part Lemon Juice


Add vodka, cola, Kahlúa and lemon juice into a chilled rocks glass, float a layer of cream on top.

What’s wrong? Not only do vodka and cola clash worse than chocolate and ketchup, but I cannot fathom Kahlúa and cola go together that well either. And of course don’t forget that you are mixing ingredients that curdle as well: not worth the effort.

Loch Ness Monster from jager.com

1 part Jagermeister

1 part Irish Cream

1 part melon liqueur

Layer ingredients in a shot glass.

What’s wrong? Well… Jager and Irish Cream clash worse than… vodka and cola, but if that wasn’t bad enough just throw in some melon to turn this into an absolute Loch Ness Monstrosity.

Cajun Thunder from southerncomfort.com

1.5 oz. Southern Comfort®

.5 oz. Bourbon

Dash of Tabasco®

Mix ingredients in a shot glass.

What’s wrong? Once again the addition of spice ruins more perfectly good booze: there are sober people on North for crying out loud! It might be fun to trick one of your friends into drinking this one though.

Grand Marnier & Fruit from grand-marnier.com

1.5 oz Grand Marnier

3.5 oz fresh fruit juice of your choice

Pour Grand Marnier into a glass with ice, top with fruit juice.

What’s wrong? Aaaahhh!! What kind of a recipe is this!?!? What kind of person says to themselves “Oh well I’m out of Barton’s and all I have is this Grand Marnier.” If you’re going to pay $50 for a 750, at least spend more than 75 cents on your mixer!

Absinthe Flip from absinthe.bz

.5 oz Absinthe

.5 oz Cointreau

2 tsp lemon juice

1 egg

1 tsp sugar


Shake ingredients with ice and strain into a glass, sprinkle with nutmeg.

What’s wrong? While this is sure to meet the goal of getting drunk as efficiently as possible I speak from experience (9/17 at Dunbar’s) when I say that raw eggs do not belong in drinks. They do terrible things to your stomach and swallowing the yolk is an experience of its own. At the very least loose the egg.

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Original Author: Ben Bissantz