This week has not been a good to me, dear readers. I’m stressed, I’m cranky and I’m a nervous wreck. So I turned to this week’s Hell’s Kitchen as a form of comfort food. Just a little bit of the norm. And then Baby Spice has to go and call a “truce” at the top of the episode. WHY!? I needed some kick-ass ghetto attitude to make me feel better about myself! But thank goodness for Nona, who came out right away and called her a “ghetto bitch.” Meanwhile, Boris was also having a “what am I doing?” moment to some eerily creepy piano music playing in the background. I was kind of waiting for a masked man to come up behind him and strangle him to death. Which leads into the next challenge…
The Challenge: No, it’s not to kill a person in a confessional booth (although Nona did think that the covered sheet did have a corpse underneath), but a roulette wheel! Each member of the team had to spin the wheel, with a letter on it, and pick an ingredient with this letter. Sounds easy enough right? That’s where you are wrong. For some reason, most of the chefs took an extremely long time to come up with ingredients that didn’t make any sense (Miso and Yam, blue team? Seriously?) The red team didn’t make it any better. They picked Rutabaga, cauliflower, bok choy & fennel. Sitting in trillium, I mouthed the words “Are you kidding me!?” because I had enough restraint not to yell out loud in public. Even Chef Ramsey was scared. Finally Nona, the brainchild of the group, picked salmon.
Trev’s rutabaga chips bombed. SURPRISE! However, Boris’ miso broth was SUPRISINGLY good. But the rest of the dish sucked. So the red team won it.
The Prize: Off to Vegas to film the sequel to The Hangover. I’m joking. But they did stay in a fancy suite that reminded me of it. Penn & Teller stopped by to visit and Teller waved his arms in the air like a deranged orangutan. They then got another prize of another two nights after Hell (so that’s where they put the rejected contestants).
The Punishment: They get to pretend they’re in the navy and peel potatoes all day. Boris didn’t see it as a punishment though and thought it was great fun.
Dinner Service: It’s family night! Ha ha ha. Just typing that made me laugh. To make it a greater challenge, Chef Ramsey’s family will be in the dining room. And since there was a Hell’s Kitchen carnival outside, “they will enter the dining room happy, they will sit down happy and they will eat happy.” Do you know what would’ve made me happy? If I could have gotten a welcoming basket of French fries. But sadly, I can just watch as Jerry Springer was given a basket full of fries.
The blue team was given Chef Ramsey’s table and you could just see the fear in their eyes. Vinny was told to shut his “fat, east coast mouth” yelled at for trying to pawn off a stale risotto on his family. Was I the only one who wanted the entire family to yell “YOU DONKEY!” at him? The rest of service consisted of Ramsey yelling “That’s my family!” at the blue team. They couldn’t even get the Mac-&-Cheese out.
Chef Ramsey then yelled at every kitchen “Where’s the beef?” A lot. Then Trev started yelling, threatening to drag “the bitches by their hair” to get them through service. He does so by counting in Nona’s face. Then reminding Baby Spice that grilled cheese only take 2 minutes to cook. Maybe Trev is in the wrong industry- he should be a financial accountant. Baby Spice wasn’t having it though and called him “a maniac, but not in a good way.”
By the end of service, things went smoothly. Actually, it went so smoothly that the producers had nothing more to show. Dinner service was done! And 90% of the customers were happy. So overall, it was a pretty tame service…
I would tell you who was suggested to be eliminated, but lemme cut to the chase: No elimination. Because it’s a two-part episode! Surprise. Chef was so pleased with dinner service, that he let them all off the hook, but not before freaking Rob out by asking him to take off his jacket to give him a clean one (“You can’t do that to a fat guy, Chef.” Amen, Rob, amen). I thought “We Are The Champions” would start to play as he went along the line high-fiving everyone. It reminded me of little league soccer where everyone gets a trophy just for showing up. Also, it’s because Fox is burning through these episodes like Trev burns through those rutabaga chips. And Boris promised to step it up: “The only way I’m leaving is dead, a winner or arrested. And I’m definitely not planning on being arrested!” But Chef Ramsey promised that tomorrow would be a bitch.
So on to hour two:
Funny observation: they eat pizza rolls for dinner. See, fine dining chefs: They’re just like us!
Challenge: They went shopping. Baby Spice only wanted to buy lentils and no one listened to her. The blue team was on budge, but the red team went over. Trev called her a “selfish little bitch” for buying the most expensive item on the menu. Back at the kitchen, she then lit the pan on fire. How is this girl so inconsistent!? The entire challenge then landed on Baby Spice’s lentils and then won it for the team. Redemption: Baby Spice has it!
Prize: They’re on a boat! The red team got to eat on a motherfucking boat! How come Sabrina looked like she was a mermaid caught in a net? And why was Trev wearing a captain’s costume? Did he pack that to Hell’s Kitchen? And Trev has come to accept his spot on the red team (to the tunes of the eerily creepy piano music).
The Punishment: They have to fumigate kitchen. And Rob ripped his pants and danced.
Dinner Service: To celebrate 100th dinner service, Chef Ramsey did his pre-dinner pep talk outside. Sunlight! Sky! That should have inspired the chefs on its own. However, the Good Year blimp was what really served as a kick in the pants they needed.
Oh and, some of the previous winners Rock, Christina, Danny and Holli were dinning as well. So much inspiration! So much fancy! But SURPRISE! Even after 100 episodes, they STILL can’t make a risotto. “Do you think they (the previous winners) of Hell’s Kitchen cooked like that!?” screamed Chef Ramsey. Um, yes, they did. They cooked in Hell’s Kitchen. And they just loved watching other people screwing up more than they did. Lesson learned: Hell’s Kitchen will make you more sadistic.
Oh, how I wish JP was there! Why!?!?!?!
Throughout the evening, Vinny kept serving “chewy” lobster, Trev couldn’t get a hold of the garnish station and Jillian decided that he had “smoked a fat joint” before dinner service. This lead to the entire red side to go onto the garnish station to help Trev. Eventually, Trev was given a time out and the women were able to put garnish on their “sexy chicken.”
But the men’s chicken was not sexy. So unsexy, in fact, it was undercook. This lead Ramsey to do what is only expected on the 100th diner service: shut down the blue kitchen. The red team finished up their tables and then finished the blue team’s tables.
Up for elimination:
Boris (“he crashed and burned real fast”) & Rob & Vinnie (the men can’t count-that’s Trev’s job).
And the eliminated contestant is…
Baby Spice: “Bye Bye Boris! I love you?” Um, did anyone catch something that I didn’t?
And Chef Ramsey then called Trev up to the firing squad…
To Be Continued!
Original Author: Allie Miller