October 20, 2010

Desperate Times, Desperate Measures.

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Dear Dazed & Confused,

I just got my prelim grade back from this class that I thought I was doing great in. I was mortified and surprised to find out that I bombed the exam. It looked like I tried to fail it–that’s how poorly I performed. Sure, we get 2 lousy SUSAN points to be added to our grade at the end of the semester, but this prelim counts as 20% of our grade! How am I supposed to pull that together? Should I talk to my professor? And I can’t drop this course because it’s a requirement for my major.


Should’ve Went To Brown

Dear Should’ve Went to Brown,

We get where you’re coming from. We were given the names “Dazed and Confused” for a reason – she’s confused in operations research, I’m dazed in genetics and we both just lost in anything that doesn’t end with the word, “dangerous.”

In fact, I’ll say the first piece of advice I ever gave was to myself – screw calculus! It ain’t worth your time.  As a matter of fact, it worked. I didn’t study at all for the next prelim, bombed it (I mean, bottom ten percent of the class, bombed it), and wondered home in a blizzard from the vet school.  But, for the very next test (which happened to be the final exam), I studied my ass off and got an A.  As I tell women all the time, the desperate ones are always willing to work harder.

But I’m confusing ‘Confused,’ so I’ll stop talking about myself and get back to you. First, we need to know, what the hell is wrong with you? How could you so poorly misjudge your performance in the class? Stop hitting the bars, roll off that slut lying next to you, and wake up! It’s time to be realisitc. It’s nearly November, and no one really recovers from Halloween, so you better get crackin’.

We’d recommend, take your notes, meet with your professor and crack open a bottle of wine because that might be your only way out of this mess – seduction.  I’m sure your professor expect it from one or two of his students each semester, and I’m also fairly certain they both end up with better grades than you.

So, what you really is not the name of a good tutor, but some tips for seduction.  Luckily, Confused and I have hooked up with a few too many professors and TAs in our time.

Step one: Become familiar with your target.  Read his or her books, quote them to him or her in front of a warm, roaring fire or under a toasty electric blanket.

Step two: Compliment him or her on their PowerPoint (even if they suck and have too many or too few words and they move too fast or they use only one slide). Any oldie from the ’70s can remember no having it, and now, they’re all obsessed.

Step three: Threesome with his or her spouse.

Step four: Fake pregnancy (Gannett will tell you so, even if you’re a guy).

Step five: Blackmail.  Pass go and collect your A- (unless you’re that hot, A+).

Stay classy,

Dazed and Confused

Original Author: Confused