October 20, 2010

To Manage a Ménage

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In this increasingly-hectic time of living with two econ majors who are actually seeking Grown-up Jobs post-graduation, I’ve begun to think a lot about my future. As a humanities-type, chances are that I won’t be seeing six figures at any point in this lifetime, so I’ve learned to rely on my other skills: boiling water, writing bad poetry, tripping over things. Let’s face it: Unless some nice literary agent decides to throw me a bone, my employment will involve a whole lot of coffee grinding.

When it comes to sexytimes, though, my résumé gets much stronger. What I lack in experience, I tell potential partners, I make up for in enthusiasm. I’m a strong leader. And, like any bright-eyed sex idealist, I work to help others accomplish their goals.

And for some reason, most of other peoples’ goals include having threesomes.

I don’t know if they expect to get some sort of sex trophy or what, but when partners (especially male ones) find out that I’m bisexual, out come the puppy eyes — along with the contact information of every other semi-flexible lady in their Blackberry. I’m certainly not averse to bringing more breasts into the bedroom. However, I often find that people’s perceptions of threesomes (read: porn) often differs greatly from what actually tends to occur once the pussy / penis frequency increases.

So, in the grand tradition of nerds everywhere, please consider the pros and cons of constructing an Eiffel Tower before you break out the Wild Turkey as liquid courage.

Pro: Attention Whores, Rejoice!

If you’re the type of pony who enjoys putting on a show, group sex is for you, particularly if you’re with a couple. In my experience, in a couple + single three-way, it is a far superior position to be the Ubiquitous Third. Nothing brings on my smug face faster than people paying attention to me while naked, and when you’re a novelty to the partnership, the spotlight’s on you — and more often than not, so’s an extra pair of hands.

Con: Three’s A Crowd

This is one of the most popular inquiries I get about turning the dromedary camel into the bactrian (y’know, two humps instead of one). And it’s true: If you’re having a lopsided-gender threesome, chances are somebody’s eventually gonna be left wishing she’d brought a GameBoy while the other two make the love knish. The easiest way to rectify this problem is to avoid it altogether. Threesomes where all parties happen to conform to the same gender make the playing field much more even for everyone, circumventing the whole issue. However, if you simply can’t bear the idea of a sex act that doesn’t include your heterosexual counterpart of choice, be prepared for one person to be left trying to contribute in the form of awkwardly shouted dirty talk as he rubs one out in the corner of the mattress. Alternate solution: Make it a fourgy!

Pro: Constructive Criticism

Let’s face it. Sex with a new partner is always a little stressful. What if she doesn’t like that weird dolphin noise I make if you touch my nipple, you wonder? What if my incessant orgasm laughter makes him drown himself out of despair in a puddle of my female ejaculation? With threesomes, you can forego the issue by bringing in a pinch-hitter. If you ever wanted to break out the Christine O’Donnell outfit for a round of repressed Republican role-play, a threesome is the perfect time to ask. Your partner(s) may feel braver with the company, but the altered dynamic also means less pressure on one particular person to perform acts she or he may not be comfortable with.

Con: Difficulty of Inception

Okay, so you’ve weighed the consequences, and you’re all set: you’re going to have a threesome!

Well, maybe. According to my historical research in the form of watching Showtime, the ancients were lucky enough to have fab impromptu orgies whenever they weren’t feeding slaves to the lions. Unfortunately, it’s actually pretty hard to get a three-way rolling in this day and age. For one thing, at least one partner has to be down with getting handsy with a gender they may not prefer. For another, once you have one partner, it’s awfully hard to convince another one to come along for the ride. Singles have a better chance of barnacling onto couples rather than the other way around, but even then, it’s not a question you expect to get tossed around at dinner parties.

With this in mind, my recipe for the perfect threesome is as follows: Play a whole lot of “Never Have I Ever” until you’ve located a few like-minded (preferably single) friends who might be game. Give them suggestive eyebrows. Determine consent. Open a bottle of wine and play Strip WiiFit. Repeat as desired. Serves three or more.

Kate C. is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at [email protected]. Ball You Discreetly appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

Original Author: Kate C.