It’s Blair’s birthday! So what else could that mean besides big fancy parties and drama, drama, drama?! Blair’s planning her party with her mother, Eleanor (Margaret Colin). Serena and Colin are getting to know each other. During office hours where it’s strictly platonic of course. Ignore those flirtatious gestures and tones. It’s strictly professional! Vanessa’s back, and Dan’s awkwardly still living with her because she lost her housing options at NYU by moving out. Oopsies. Nate and Serena gather Chuck and Blair to sign a legitimate peace treaty. Like with lawyers and legality and everything. They’re figuring out who gets what where. Fashion week in Milan and Paris? Goes to Blair. Strip clubs in Manhattan? Goes to Chuck. And Serena’s actually dressed like a decent human being in a nice, tight blue dress! Is this a new habit? I hope so, especially after last week’s pantsuit! And so with the signing of the treaty, Chuck and Blair are finally done. Except whoops, longing looks. Not so done after all! And it’s Rufus and Lily’s first anniversary! To celebrate, they want to have a family party. Except, Jenny won’t come. She gives Rufus and Lily a bullshit excuse but secretly it’s out of fear of Chuck and Blair. Eric wants Jenny to come. If he screws up Chuck and Blair’s peace he can maybe get leverage to bring Jenny home. Except… Dan and Eric are nowhere near savvy enough to take down Chuck an Blair. Juliet is able to follow Serena on her phone… creepy stalker much? They then happen to meet up. Thanks GPS tracker! Serena confides in Juliet about Colin, except she omits his name and just admits to having a crush on her professor. Juliet pretends to be supportive but puts doubts in Serena’s minds. After the convo finishes, Juliet texts Ben that S is dating a professor which can be used against her. Wtf how does he have a cell phone if he’s in prison?! Eric and Dan are scheming. They decide to spread a rumor via Gossip Girl about Jack Bass and Blair in Paris to enrage Chuck so that he’ll help with Jenny. Serena goes to Colin’s and says she can’t do their little office hours dates anymore because she can’t handle being alone with him. She’s afraid it’ll progress to physicality. How responsible, S! Except she can’t exactly stay away fully because Colin will also be going to Blair’s party, seeing as Blair invited practically all of the faculty at Columbia. Teacher’s pet, B? But where’s the apple? Dan goes over to Chuck’s to offer his condolences about the Gossip Girl blast about Blair and Jack, only to find the both of them there and ready to deal with him. They knew it was fake, obviously. Blair puts in a quip about Jack being in Chile at the time of the supposed Parisian getaway, which is alarming to Chuck. How did she know where Jack was? But they focus on putting Dan in his place. Blair then invites Chuck to her party, and invitation which he happily accepts. Serena calls Juliet to confide in her about her new plan of refraining from her professor. She confesses that she doesn’t know if she’ll cave or be strong at the party. Juliet comes up with the great idea to tag along as her date and provide a buffer aka stalk and find out who the professor is so she can use it against Serena. S thinks this is a great idea and invites JuJu Bear to attend. Nate’s guarding C&B’s treaty when Dan pops in for a visit. N leaves for class and D steals the treaty. He’s sure he’ll find something juicy in there to use against Chuck and Blair. Nate then meets up with Serena. She explains to him that Juliet is going to Blair’s party as her date and buffer. Nate then asks S if he can be her buffer, seeing as a guy friend would provide a better buffer than a girl friend. Serena, the ever steady woman-of-her-promises, agrees to let N be her date and calls JuJu to cancel. Back at party planning central, Blair has been extra mean to the help, bossing them around more than usual and nitpicking more than usual. When her mother draws her attention to it, she questions Dorota about what’s happening to her. Dorota informs her that she’s being a bitch because she can’t fight with Chuck anymore. She’s settling for fighting with everyone else. Dan finds something juicy in the treaty to use against C&B. Except, now Eric is having second thoughts. He pulls out of the plans because he doesn’t want to stoop to Chuck and Blair’s level. But clearly, not everyone has Eric’s abilities to be mature, because D forges ahead. PARTY TIME! Rachel Zoe is a celebrity guest! What is this, some last-ditch attempt to create hype about the show by packing as many celebs into a season as possible? S is in this pretty green dress with this cute necklace and this cute braid… Oh wait. EWWWW! THE BOTTOM IS UGLY AND ALL WEIRDLY CUT UP AND HALF OF IT IS TYE-DYED AND GROSS! I guess her having good taste was too good to be true… Even for just an episode… Chuck asks Blair how she had known where Jack was. He obvssss still cares for her! GO CHAIR! (Chuck+Blair) I’m sick of this fighting! Nate overhears Juliet thanking Colin for getting her in. He then becomes convinced that Colin is the guy Juliet left him for. So once Juliet goes off, he confronts Colin and asks him if he’s Ben, Juliet’s guy. Colin tells Nate no and brushes him off. Ju’s pestering S to tell her who her new guy is. Just as she’s about to spill, Eleanor swoops in and whisks Juliet away to help with some nonsense before Serena can confide. Blair then shuffles over to chide Serena for trusting Juliet. She explains Juliet is not their friend. Colin then goes to confront Juliet because of Nate’s assumptions. He is upset with her for seeing Ben. WAIT. SO HE DOESN’T KNOW? Mind. Fucked. Nate and Blair overhear the whole thing. Blair draws the conclusion that Colin is fucking over Serena with Juliet. Nate becomes even more confused and then asks Juliet about Colin. Juliet says Colin is her cousin; they don’t want Columbia to know because she’s a student and he’s a professor. Nate then lets it slip that Colin is who Serena is kind of seeing. Serena and Colin meet upstairs and then go back to his place where they realize they like each other too much. They want to wait.They share a kiss and then Serena leaves. Except wait… Juliet had placed a camera in Colin’s apartment! That’s going to leave a mark… And FINALLY! Dan’s grand master plan! Robyn the singer (ANOTHER GUEST STAR?) and her manager show up with a video of Blair drunkenly singing on stage after a Robyn concert. In her mad dash to turn the incriminating video off, Blair knocks Rachel Zoe flat on her ass. When Rachel Zoe tries to use the h’ors d’oeuvres table to get up, she dumps melted chocolate on herself. Quite the embarrassment. Blair thinks Chuck is behind the video, seeing as he was the only other person that knew about it. She confronts Chuck about breaking the terms of their treaty and tells him that the only reason she knew Jack was in Chile was because she had been trying to find Chuck at the time. Aww. Dan then steps in to admit he was the one behind the video. He had gone behind Nate’s back to get the treaty all for Little J. Except… this revenge doesn’t help Jenny at all, does it D? Rufus steps in and tells Dan that he’s disappointed in him for his actions, leaving Dan feeling guilty instead of victorious. Rufus and Lily then go back to the apartment to find it filled with paper bouquets for their anniversary from Dan. Rufus realizes that Dan still is himself. He had gotten caught up in all the Upper East Side dramz. Dan then apologizes to Rufus and all is well in Humphrey-World. Juliet then calls Ben and tells him the professor is Colin, so she can’t do it because he pays for her schooling and screwing him over would ultimately screw herself over. Ben tells her to get over it and get the proof regardless of who the professor is. WTF. BASICALLLLLLY, Colin is not involved with the scheming; however he is related to Juliet and Ben. And because he’s a kind and caring cousin, he pays for Juliet to go to college. Ben’s vendetta against Serena is so strong that he doesn’t even care that screwing over Serena will screw over his cousin. He just wants Juliet to proceed with the plans and get video or film evidence of Serena with one of her professors, even if the professor is Colin. Mind. Fucked. Eleanor (Mama Blair) gets the only recording of Blair’s singing from Robyn so that they can dispose of it properly. She tells Blair she shouldn’t be embarrassed. Blair confesses to her mother that she wants to be a strong, powerful woman but that whenever she’s around Chuck she feels like a weak, little girl. Eleanor then tells her that before meeting Cyrus (stepdaddy), she was cold and hardened. But Cyrus made her see that for love, you need to be weak to grow strong. Wow. Deep, dude. Blair then goes to retreat upstairs, only to find Chuck in the foyer. They decide the treaty is over. They can’t remain civil. They’re not friends. They will never be friends. They hate each other. Chuck tears up the treaty and then swoops Blair up in an intense kiss. FIN-A-FUCKING-LY!!!!!! AHHHHH!!! CHUCK AND BLAIR ARE FINALLY BACK!
Original Author: Alyssa Leventhal