November 3, 2010

Outlaw, Outdrink

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Welcome to Cornell Diaries, where we print the anonymous recorded lives of Cornell students. While The Sun maintains the confidentiality of each writer, all facts have been verified and all diaries record the truth. Thursday, October 28th3:00 p.m.: I’ve had a hole burning in my pocket. Actually, it was more like my wallet, but it’s not what you think. No, I’m not a big spender. I have a fake I.D. Yes, I know plenty of people have them, but mine is better. It does things that yours can’t. It scans. I’ve already had the pleasure of walking up to a bouncer, looking him straight in the eye and having him okay the thing. It’s awesome. But it isn’t enough. Tonight, my friend Tom and I are going to go a few towns over and press our luck at a liquor store. How else can I host parties without having to give a handjob for booze? (I haven’t, but I’m sure someone has at this school. And I refuse to be another one).4:10 p.m.: I get out of my class and check my phone. Tom is being a lazy-ass and is making me pick him up instead of meeting at the designated spot. I text him that he would never be able to run with the likes of Al Capone. He doesn’t really care since they’re all dead. He has a point and I angrily pout that he outsmarted me. Damn those engineering students. 4:20 p.m.: I pick Tom up. Whereas I put actual effort into my look, down to the symbolism of the colors I was wearing (I’m an English major, what do you expect?), he looks like his normal-average self. I was slightly peeved, but then I realized that I was the one trying my I.D. first, so I had to look the most “21.” So with our fakes in tow, we drove towards the sketchiest liquor store outside of Ithaca.5:15 p.m.: We are so damn lost. I have an excellent sense of direction, but Tom was insistent on finding a particular store he passed once on a date. I had angrily told him that he was probably too distracted by the thought of getting laid that night to remember where exactly the liquor store was. So, after passing the same “Jesus is Coming” sign 3 times, I was ready to call in the Calvary.5:16 p.m.: I decide to pull out my cell phone and pay the $2 for the navigation tool. I hate using a tool that I once laughed at. After finding an address to type outside of a dilapidated, old shack, we’re ready to go.5:54 p.m.: We pull up to a store in Lansing. There are two main problems with this place. The first is that they only sell wine. And while I love a good glass of white wine, this isn’t what we came out for. Tom also wanted a Four Loko. The second problem was that it was closed.  Yeah, that was kind of a big one. So we decide to try a more legitimate store.6:18 p.m.: We pull up to a store not so far away from Ithaca. I look at my partner and give a nervous laugh. I wondered if those four years of acting in high school would finally pay off. I was excited and could feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins. I found a new way to get high, or at least, that’s the only way I can explain it.6:20 p.m.:   I walk into the store first, Tom behind me. I notice that a girl is wearing a sweatshirt from my home state. It’s a pretty big state, so I wasn’t too worried. I glanced along the walls, suddenly wondering exactly how much I was going to buy. I was going for quantity, not quality, since I was hosting a pretty big party.  I grab the biggest (and cheapest) bottle of vodka and decide that it would do. I head to the cash register and I notice the girl’s lisence. Not only was she from the same state, but she lived two towns over from me. I realized that this was a problem. Not only was she older then 21, but her I.D. was real. What were the chances!? I was feeling ballsy though. No turning back. This is exactly how Bonnie (Bonnie & Clyde) must have felt!6:21 p.m.: The cashier was a pretty lady and we made small talk about my town. She asked to see my I.D. and I had the largest surge of adrenaline. Will it work …?6:23 p.m.: I walk out of the store with my very own brown paper bag and a bottle of vodka inside. What a rush! It was incredible! I grab Tom by the collar of his shirt and kiss him. I might have only done this to get the rest of my adreiline out, but I could’ve done worse things.6:25 p.m.: As we get into the car, I suddenly think that I want to do it again. But I want to escalate. I want to do something on a grander scale. Watch out Cornell, I think you have a new criminal on your hands. Dangers include: stealing your liquor and making out with you men.