November 3, 2010

Spring Time For Student

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Dear Dazed & Confused, As I’m sure your aware, we all recently participated in CourseEnroll. My parents expect me to send them a copy of all the classes I’m taking each semester so they’ll continue to pay my tution. However, they expect me to take 18 credits a semester. But I’m tired, overstressed and feel like I can’t handle 18 credits in the spring. How do I tell them I only signed up for 12? I’m worried that they won’t pay tution for the semester. What do I do?                                               Sincerely, Financial Tied Dear Mama’s Boy,         Confused doesn’t understand how such a perfect plan could go wrong!? What plan, you ask? The “live in your parent’s basement until they die!” plan. It’s full-proof. All you have to do is continue to adhere to every single one of their rules. Want to have sex on the kitchen table? Nope, it’s dinner time and your mother hates your girlfriend, so she has to go. Want to smoke pot with your friends? Not gonna happen– your house has smoke alarms and you can only use the excuse “I burned my Hot Pocket” so many times before they grow suspicious. Have a hankering to go see a movie – you have to ask to borrow your Dad’s car and be back by 10 p.m.  It’s a tough gig and only the select few couch surfers can actually ride the wave (including Dazed–he’s going to live home forever).         We’re reminded of the legendary chronicles of an extraordinary hero, who lived life to the fullest, manipulating his parents every step of the way.  We speak, of course, of the leopard-skin-vest-clad, Twist And Shout-singing, Bratwurst-King-of-Chicago, Ferris Bueller.  If his epic misadventures taught us anything, it is this – “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”         Our advice, take 12 credits, and lie your way to the best semester ever.  There are options for you.  Ferris wanted a car – he got a computer.  Learn from him.  Hack the Registrar’s office, produce a fake transcript, and send it to your parents; a few lines of code can mean the difference between 12 and 21 credits (ask your Computer Science friends for help if your not exactly ‘tech savy.’)         If that’s not enough (and you’re still worried about getting caught), we’re sure that an adequate dummy can fill in for you – a few levys and pullies could easily pump more life into your dummy than could be found in any upperclassmen in a nine o’clock class.         If you want to convince your parents of your good behavior, stop by some of the theatre classes – they’re easy credits, they’re fun, and you’ll be able to fool even the great Ed Rooney with your amazing acting skills.          And if your parents ever want to talk to one of your professors, all you really need is a friend in a trenchcoat and sunglasses – Prof. Peterson! Trust us, there are some professors who wear that stuff anyway.         So, next semester, have fun … and when you want some good ideas on how to spend your day, check with us. We’re sure we can find a legacy with a 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California Spyder … it’s so choice.

Stay classy, Dazed and Confused

Original Author: Confused