November 7, 2010

Where the Groupies At? (And Other Stuff)

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I fondly remember the summer afternoon when I found out that I would be a Sun columnist. If my memory serves me right, I believe my editor Tony sent me an e-mail that went something like this:

“Corey, I’d like to congratulate you on being one of our new opinion columnists for the fall semester. More importantly, you are now a Cornell celebrity and much cooler than everyone else. We run shit around here, son. Ya dig? Aiight, I’m out. Peace.” — Tony Manfred, Associate Baller-in-Chief

“Wow,” I thought to myself, “I’m going to be a real celebrity! Famous! A star! One of the beautiful people!”

I was also pretty sure that if you become a celebrity, you are automatically rewarded with at least a dozen groupies. “Niiiiiiiice,” I thought, as I popped open a delicious can of Keystone to celebrate.

Yes, life was good that day. But fast forward three months, and my dreams of being a celebrity have not exactly played out as I had hoped. Where are the paparazzi that are supposed to be following me to class every day? Where are my millions of Twitter followers? And where, for the love of God, are the groupies?

I guess they’re right when they say that the newspaper industry is dying. I bet that when Kurt Vonnegut wrote for The Sun in the 1940s, he had more groupies than he knew what to do with. I’m sure that E.B. White got plenty of action as well. (Insert Stuart Little/Charlotte’s Web sexual innuendo joke here.)

Well if nobody is going to read this thing, then I’ll happily slack off and spend the rest of this column writing about whatever random stuff pops into my head. I think I’ll call this new segment, “A Bulleted List About Nothing.”

(If Tony doesn’t fire my ass after this one, then I give up.)

• One thing I’ve noticed as I frequently crash house parties is that people like to create makeshift frat-style dance floors, but their lighting is all wrong. Sometimes it’s too dark, and you have no idea whether you’re grinding with a girl, a guy or a piece of furniture. Sometimes it’s not dark enough, and things just look really awkward. You need to have a happy medium. (If you’re still unsure, ask a bro for help.)

• Collegetown’s motto should be the following: “Get lazy, poor, overweight and destroy your GPA.” Actually, that’s a terrible motto. Nevermind.

• Why does the song “Party in the U.S.A.” make girls go bat-shit crazy? It’s like Miley Cyrus’ voice sends some kind of signal to the female brain that causes girls to start screaming and jumping around like lunatics. I swear that a girl could be lying face down on the ground in a drunken coma, and all you would have to do to wake her up is play the first 15 seconds of that stupid song.

• A few weeks ago I had my very last CoursEnroll adventure. I was really hoping that there would be some awesome classes to take this spring, like “How to Win Your Fantasy Football League 1101” or “Advanced Nickelodeonometrics 4320.” No luck, though.

• One thing I won’t miss about CoursEnroll is having to wake up ridiculously early. Someone really needs to do something about this, and I think that person should be me. That’s right … After being inspired by Jimmy McMillan’s political campaign, I’ve decided to run for some important student government position as a member of the “CoursEnroll is Too Damn Early Party.” (Listen … a Cornell student just punched his alarm clock at 6:55 in the morning. Did you hear it? Ya gotta listen like me.)

• I just found out that the name of the Hotel School library is Nestle Library. Way to sell out, Hotel School.

• Actually, now that I think about it, selling out could be quite profitable. I could use some extra cash, which is why I’m willing to change my moniker to, “Taking My Talents to [Your Company’s Name Here]” if the price is right. (For Pita Pit, I am willing to accept a lifetime supply of pitas instead of money.) Let the bidding war begin!

• Will Segway Kid battle Razor Scooter Dude and Unicycle Guy for Cornell supremacy, or will they join forces for the good of mankind, like the Justice League? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how this one plays out.

• I really suck at this whole “getting a job” thing. Apparently making bro jokes and obscure Power Ranger references isn’t considered a “marketable skill” for the “real world.” The thing I hate the most is when everyone brags about the number of interviews they’ve had. I want to be cool like these people, so I think I’m going to start wearing dress clothes to class every day and telling people that I’m stressed out because “this is my 15th interview this week … Man, I really hope that UBS, BAML, JPM, WWE, ABBA and other abbreviations that may or may not be investment banks give me a job offer.”

• There are two versions of Cornell: The real version, and the insane alternate reality version that exists on CollegeACB. I’m not exactly sure why I continue to go onto this site … I think it’s the same reason why I watch Jersey Shore episodes. Anyway, one of these days I hope that someone out there makes a crazy CollegeACB thread about me. Then maybe I can finally become a celebrity (and, as mentioned before, have groupies).

Corey Brezak is a senior in the College Agriculture and Life Sciences. He may be reached at cbrezak@cornellsun.com. Taking My Talents to C-Town appears alternate Mondays this semester.

Original Author: Corey Brezak