November 11, 2010

The Berry Patch: It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s Someone in a T-Shirt!

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In the wake of Tuesday’s car-on-person incident at a poorly lit intersection, the Interim Deputy University Spokesperson pointed out that the accident, and others like it, may have been due to the pedestrian’s darkly colored clothing — they do “blend in beautifully with the dark,” after all. In its never-ending pursuit of student safety, The Sun sent a crack team of Berry Patch reporters all around campus to determine what other colors should not be worn.


With colorblind people out and about so frequently these days, wearing green anywhere is always a risky prospect for those looking to avoid collisions. However, sporting the viridescent color of life is exceptionally dangerous at Cornell, with its seemingly omnipresent green spaces. Unless a green-wearer is willing to remain indoors 100 percent of the time, the unlucky plant-impersonator runs a significant risk of being fatally trimmed by a careless gardener.


We know, we know — it’s Cornell’s official color, how could it possibly be dangerous? Well, it’s a good thing you asked. In fact, the hazard of donning vermilion vestments lies precisely in the pigment’s ubiquity at Cornell! Seeing the masses of red jersey-sporting students walking home after hockey games is like staring into the fiery pits of hell itself. Drivers with sensitive retinas can be instantly blinded, and end up careening into the throngs of careless carnelian-clad Cornellians. Best to stay away from reds, or any bright colors at all for that matter.


Aside from the obvious peril posed by foggy or rainy days, gray clothes look far too similar to sidewalks to be worn safely around campus. Never mind getting plowed over by Segway Kid or absentminded bikers — gray-wearing, slow-to-react students run the risk of death by asphyxiation after being covered from head to toe in a chalk advertisement for some a cappella concert or professional fraternity recruitment event.


It’s nearly winter and the campus will soon be blanketed with snow, so we would be remiss to leave out perhaps the most dangerous of all colors to wear anywhere at Cornell. Wearing white during the winter is essentially akin to wearing a “Please hit me, snowmobile” sign. It’s best to avoid this most dangerous of colors anytime between October and April. Flash snowstorms do occur, and it would be a tragedy indeed if an unwitting white-wearing student were caught in one, then subsequently run down by a vigilant snowplow driver whose eyes are adjusted to notice every color but white.