No one’s heard from Serena since Chuck’s party, where Juliet finally managed to ostracize her from everyone she loves, kidnap her, and then drug her. Good thing she wakes up drugged and groggy in a sketchy room unsure of how she got there or what happened! She calls 911, so the emergency workers are able to rush her to the hospital. Nate discovers papers for his mom. He sneaks a peak and discovers that they’re divorce papers. Imagine that – mommy doesn’t want to stay with her convict husband! Natey then asks Dan for advice about divorce, seeing as Dan had watched his parents go through it. Dan tells Nate he can’t change anything so he should just let things happen. In the middle of their meeting, D receives a call from Rufus informing him that S is in the hospital. D rushes to the hospital to find the whole fam, Blair, and Chuck all awaiting news about S. Rufus calls Jenny and tells her it looks like an overdose. As far as Jenny knows, JuJu never kidnapped S, so she thinks that S overdosed after what she, V, and Ju did to her. Dan is the only one who questions whether or not S is actually behind this. He knows the new reformed Serena, but Blair and Lily are quick to tell him that this is how she used to be. And, since one of the medications S od’d on was for depression, the doctors suggest rehab. After some thought, Lily decides to send Serena to rehab, without consulting Serena, just in case this is an actual cry for help. Meanwhile, Nate confronts his mom about the divorce papers. He tries to tell her that dad’s changed, but she won’t hear it. Serena’s upset to be in rehab, and rightfully so. I mean, hellllllllllllo, she’s fine. Sure, she causes dramz and can’t decide between a hottie and her step-brother, but she’s FINE! Eric and Lily think they’re doing what’s best for her and think she’s just in denial when she protests that she didn’t swallow those pills. Okay. Is anyone else annoyed?? They’re doing what’s right but it’s not right and UGG! FRUSTRATED. Jenny goes to JuJu and tells her she feels guilty about what they did so she wants to come clean. Juliet tells her not to because the problems were there and that they’re not responsible for what Serena did after she left the party. Uhhhhm except you are, JuJu Bear. Nice cover up though. Jenny leaves, and then Juliet sends out a picture of ‘S’ snorting drugs. Vanessa calls Juliet after she hears the news. Juliet tells her they’re not responsible and that they shouldn’t tell because Vanessa will lose Dan forever if he finds out what they all did. V then heads off J and tells Rufus that Jenny was the one behind it all. Jenny tries to explain that Vanessa was involved too and that they never meant for it to end up like this, but Rufus says that regardless of how much blame Jenny gets, she still gets blame and that is NOT okay. Akjfkjdfkldjfkldfj go die Jenny. You’re fucking annoying. Nate goes to prison to see his dad. And oh wait! Mommy dearest is there too! Yay! And after their visit, Mommy realizes that Daddy has changed and is now probz not divorcing him! Except on the way out, Nate finds out that his father is up for parole, so that he isn’t necessaily a changed man. This could all be to get out on parole. Oopsies. Dan breaks Serena out of rehab and takes her to the loft in Brooklyn so that they can grab food and clothes to take a break from the city. Blair and Lily cut them off. Lily thinks that Serena is troubled and needs to get help. She tells Dan to not interfere. Dan tells Lily that she’s been avoiding whatever it is that’s going on with Serena and that what S needs is for her mother to talk to her so that they can figure it out. Cue Lily crying because she isn’t properly helping her daughter. Wah wah wah. Blahblahblah. Shut the fuck up. Gossip Girl then sends out a blast of a pic of ‘S’ snorting drugs. Hmm… I wonder where this one came from, eh Juliet? Serena then sees the blast and asks Lily to take her back to rehab, seeing that if she doesn’t remember what was happening in the picture she can’t be sure that she really didn’t OD. YESSS maybe now they’ll write her off and make her go to rehab forever! Juliet goes to visit Ben in prison. She tells him everything went perfectly with their plan. She tells him about the drugs and the hospitalization which Ben oddly is upset about. Apparently that wasn’t a part of the plan. Oh, so you have problems with drugging but not with impersonating the girl and ruining her life and getting her taken out of Columbia? Really? Juliet tells Ben that she lost everyone and everything so she felt it necessary to make her own plans. On her way out of prison, she throws her visitor pass out. When Jenny goes to see Juliet, she discovers that her apartment had been abandoned. She then finds the mask from the party. Jenny then goes to Blair and tells her all that had happened. She then tells Blair it was Juliet in the picture and that Juliet had used her and Vanessa. And that Juliet had left town. Juliet’s now being paid to keep quiet regularly by Lily. New sugar momma! Vanessa calls her mother in bumblefuck to tell her that she’s coming home. YESYES WRITE HER OFF TOO MWUHAHAHA! Blair goes to Dan and tells him JuJu was behind the overdose. She asks him to help her find Juliet to get a confession and get revenge. And obvs Danny boy is in! Um, this show is beginning to get almost too ridiculous for even me to handle. Wow.
Original Author: Alyssa Leventhal