Prompted by heavy flow of Cornell pride streaming out of AMST 2001: First American University, Ezra and A.D. once again ascended to East Hill this week. Luckily, this Sun reporter had his seance kit on hand, and was able to snag a brief interview.
Sun: Here’s the deal guys: There’s a lot to cover today so we’re introducing a new format to this otherworldly tradition — the “lightning round seance.” We’ll pose a topic, you guys sound off. Ready?
A.D.: I was born ready.
Sun: Alright, first off, the modern Greek cuts were ann…
A.D.: Hold it right there! You’re trying to coax an “any person, any study” out of him. I don’t want to run through the same dog and pony show we put on every single time a cut is announced. The administration faces fiscal realities!
Ezra: Actually, I want to discuss Matoula Halkiopoulos, that generous woman who offered to teach Modern Greek for free. The world needs more people like Matoula…
A.D.: Generous woman?! She’s a Collegetown landlord! She may be generous in her offer to the University, but that’s because she can make back that money by skimming off students’ security deposits.
Sun: Alright guys, don’t be like that. Come on A.D., not every single Collegetown landlord is straight-up evil. Have you ever even met the woman?
A.D.: Of course not, she doesn’t perform seances like you freaks.
Sun: Noted. Let’s move on to the Buffalo Street Books situation: Those indie superheroes announced that it was closing up shop, but the community rallied around their bookworm darlings to the tune of $160,000.
Ezra: Well I think it’s just swell. That do-it-yourself spirit is exactly why I decided to found the University here. That’s totally more important than the weather, right?
A.D.: Communist bailout. Unless they’re coming out with the Kindle-killer, that seems like an expensive pet project. Next topic, please.
Sun: Sources say you attended AMST 2001 on Wednesday night? What did you think of Corey Earle and Tom Balcerski’s take on Cornell history?
A.D.: “Cornell history?” Is that what they’re calling the 75 minutes of hearsay and nonsense I witnessed on Wednesday?
Ezra: I actually quite enjoyed it. Did you know that the first black student at Cornell went here in 1872? Or were you too busy galavanting around Europe while you should have been doing, you know, you’re job?
A.D.: Woah, someone knows a lot of Cornell fun facts. Good job nerd.
Ezra: One thing from the class I disagreed with: Apparently you were the progressive academic-hippie archetype while I was the rough-edged Republican. What’s up with that?
A.D.: Eh, teaching a class is hard. I guess they didn’t do enough digging. I accept their apology.
Sun: Moving on, any opinion on the upcoming Student Assembly presidential election? It’s shaping up to be a tight race.
Ezra: I think they are both great candidates. They both really like “open discourse,” “transparency” and “utilizing new media.” As far as I’m concerned, the student body would be lucky to call either of them president.
Sun: A.D., Any thoughts?
A.D.: Well, as you know, the S.A. is a purposeless role-playing game for eager beaver undergrads. It really ought to be dissolved. Therefore, seeing as how neither candidate realizes that the S.A. is a complete and utter joke that doesn’t merit a shred of serious consideration from the student body, I’ll be abstaining.
Sun: Finally, what are your thoughts on Nelly for Slope Day?
Ezra and A.D.: [simultaneously] Awesome.
Sun: Wow, that was unexpected. You guys Country Grammar fans?
Ezra: Nah, but Mrs. Cornell really digs “Hot in Herre.” So obviously, I’m a fan too. Congrats on the scoop, by the way.
Sun: Thanks. Until next time, back to the underworld with you!