February 27, 2011

A Half-Assed Guide to Dating

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People often ask me, “Corey, how are you so successful with the ladies?” Well, when you have your own Sun column, it’s pretty easy. Girls just seem to flock to you when your head is in a little rectangular box on the opinion pages. You know that scene at the beginning of the first Austin Powers movie when Austin is being chased down the street by like 50 female supermodels? That’s basically what I encounter every day when I walk down College Avenue.

But for everybody else out there who doesn’t have a Sun column, the dating scene can be quite challenging. That’s why, as The Sun’s self-appointed unofficial advice columnist, I feel it is my duty to come to the rescue once again.

Although I’ve never really considered myself to be a “dating” kind of guy –– I’m much more of a “grind-with-shadowy-figures-on-the-dimly-lit-Dino’s-dance-floor” kind of guy –– I do enjoy going out with that special someone every now and then. This is not because I’m a romantic person; it’s just because it’s fun to pretend like I’m living in the 1950s –– back when dating was the norm and people actually had face-to-face interactions with each other.

Technically I’ve only been on a handful of dates throughout my life, but I have seen a lot of romantic comedies and lived vicariously through the characters in these movies, so it feels like I’ve been on more dates than I really have. I have also been on countless “virtual dates” on websites like ChatRoulette.com. All of this adds up to me being qualified to write a dating column for The Sun.

So without further ado, I happily present to you the following top-notch, expert-level dating tips from yours truly:

Nice Restaurants = A Bad Idea

If you’re like me and you love food more than anything else in the world, then taking your date to a fantastic restaurant is probably a bad idea. Take for example a date I went on last semester. The food was so unbelievably delicious that I totally forgot about the whole “conversing with my date” thing and plunged straight into a food coma / blackout. Now that I think about it, I can’t remember anything from that night or what the girl’s name was. I do, however, remember that the raspberry cheesecake was exquisite.

Holding the Door: A Tricky Concept

Everyone knows that it’s good manners for a guy to hold open the door for his date. Yet sometimes this procedure can get a bit complicated. For instance, one time I was about to hold the door open, but another guy cut in front of me and held the door open for me, my date, and the 12 other people entering the restaurant. I was shell-shocked. “What the hell am I supposed to do now?” I wondered to myself.

Looking back, it was clear that I should have punched the guy in the face. Not only would this have made me look like a badass in front of my date, but it would have proved once and for all that chivalry is not dead.

Paying the Bill: Another Tricky Concept

One time a girl told me that “it’s okay if a guy doesn’t pay the bill, as long as he offers.” To quote Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, “IT’S A TRAP!” Don’t fall for stuff like this. I don’t know why women constantly try to trick men by saying these things, but a guy should always pay the bill, no matter how expensive it is. Guys, just do what I do and put the whole thing on your dad’s credit card. He’ll never know (Note: I hope that my dad does not read this column).

Movie Dates: The Best Kinds of Dates

People often say that movie dates are bad because you can’t talk or get to really know the person. This is rubbish, I say. Honestly, what would you rather do: Listen to your date talk about his or her boring labor law class, or watch Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis get it on? … That’s what I thought.

Also, there’s plenty of time to talk to your date later via Facebook chat, texting and other impersonal forms of communication. I don’t see what the problem is.

Double Dates = Double the Awkwardness

Most dates are excruciatingly awkward and cringe-worthy experiences, so why would you want to bring more people along to witness all of the embarrassment? It’s bad enough when my date gives me a blank stare after I make an awesome Power Ranger joke –– I don’t need another couple not laughing at my jokes (perhaps this tip applies to me more than others).

Live-Tweeting Your Dates: The Next Big Thing

People on Twitter like to live-tweet sporting events, political speeches and award shows, so why not live-tweet your dates as well? Just use a hashtag like #DateWithJessica and you can keep all of your Twitter followers up-to-date with everything that happens during your special night on the town. This idea is going to explode in popularity –– you just watch.

Closing Thoughts

1) I used to think I had the coolest mugshot on the opinion pages, until this new guy Milos Balac came around. His photo makes him look so much more suave, sophisticated and intellectual than I am. I need to outdo this guy, which is why I’ve asked the Sun photography editor to change around my mugshot for my next column. I want my head to be Photoshopped onto the upper body of Ronnie from Jersey Shore, and I also want long, flowing hair like Fabio.

2) I expect many girls to want to date me after this column goes to print, so feel free to e-mail me your cover letter and resume and I’ll see if I can work you into my schedule. I’m anticipating at least a thousand applicants, so if you don’t hear back right away, don’t get discouraged.

Corey Brezak is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. He may be reached at [email protected]. Taking My Talents to C-Town appears alternate Mondays this semester.

Original Author: Corey Brezak