After six weeks of crippling stress, severe sleep deprivation and academic despair (we are talking about the poorly-disguised hazing process known as editorial compet), The Sun has elected its newest board of fearless leaders to go forth into the Cornell community and shed light on the darkness. These attractive specimens of the Cornell species have been unleashed as the watchdogs of the University, and they are keen to dig up only the juiciest stories for you, our faithful reader. Full of Sunshine and optimism in the face of a flailing journalism industry, these courageous editors are dedicated to upholding the spotless reputation and impeccable quality of our daily rag. The Sun’s staff chose to elect the hairiest person in the room as Editor in Chief. Ben Gitlin ’12 said he plans to reveal the secrets hidden in his beard on slow news days — watch for full coverage. Ben’s brother, Adam Gitlin ’13, is the incoming Executive Vice President of the Student Assembly. If their younger brother, Ross Gitlin — who is coming to Cornell next year — declines an offer to replace Skorton as President of Cornell, the University will have to amend its plans to change Cornell’s name to “Gitlin University.”
Business Manager Chloe Gatta ’12 keeps a firm grip on The Sun’s finances. She’s a sharp one, which unfortunately means no more reimbursements for booze at our Thursday night “office parties.” But she insists that it’s more important for a newspaper to pay its publisher than its bartender, so readers can take comfort in the possibility of fewer alcohol-induced mistakes creeping onto these pages.If anyone on The Sun is destined to actually make money in life, it is Managing Editor Michael Linhorst ’12. If that Broadway career doesn’t pan out, he will make a killer salesman for peanut butter crackers. “Grandpa Mike” is the level-headed leader of the news team. Sit on his knee and he’ll help you with your problems (and probably make an uncomfortable joke or two), at least until a firetruck drives by. Then he’ll likely throw you off his lap as he runs toward the scene.When she’s not singing duets with Michael, Associate Editor Dani Neuharth-Keusch ’12 is worshipping former AE Kurt Vonnegut ’44. She has enough excess energy to power a printing press and enough Sun shine to accelerate global climate change; several professors are meeting next week to decide how much carbon dioxide can be removed from the atmosphere if her passion for The Sun can be harnessed as a renewable energy source. Advertising Manager Helene Beauchemin ’13 will bring the wisdom of Don Draper to The Sun. Though she’s not as tall or strapping as Jon Hamm, she’s just as talented, and in between glasses of scotch she makes sure our paper has enough ad revenue to keep running. Rahul Kishore’s ’12 main goal as Web Editor was to completely eliminate the print edition of The Sun, but the print newsies of the editorial board revolted. After he recovers from his broken hand (hah, can’t type now, can you, Rahul?), he promises to do whatever the paper-lovers demand. Sports Editor Evan Rich ’13 is happy to have his freedom after a year of oppressed Assistant Sports Editorship. Taking a page from the NFL, his first plan is to organize the sports staff in opposition to Sun top management.Who’s got rhythm? Assistant Managing Editor Brendan Doyle ’12 does. The Sun’s biggest musical protege (sorry Dani and Michael, but musical theater is a bit campy), Brendan’s first project as AME will be to create a Sun record label titled Dispatches From 93 Million Miles Away.Design Editor Joonsuk Lee ’12 says he’s a quiet voice on the board, but don’t let that fool you. If your end box is more than one pica from your article body, Joonsuk won’t let you forget it.Photography Editor Lauren Bigalow ’12 can usually be found taking intricate, artistic pictures of chocolate sprinkles or snowflakes. Occasionally she is spotted taking photos for The Sun or in promotion of Dani’s musical obsession. When asked to comment on her unusual subject matter, she responded, “I am from Vermont.” Arts and Entertainment Editors Joey Anderson ’12 and James Rainis ’14 may look like the same person, but don’t be confused. Their hipster styles and discerning musical taste bring the life to any Sun party and will make for an Arts section that Animal Collective fans will find ironic. News Editors Margo Cohen Ristorucci ’13, Juan Forrer ’13, Peter Jacobs ’13 and Jeff Stein ’13 are a high-powered team of high-powered personalities. Jeff, while devastated that he can’t continue to write every day’s top story, will still investigate why Cornell police enjoy kicking their feet through snow penises. Margo, as the only girl in the bunch, has everyone’s affection. Don’t let her soft voice and diminutive stature fool you, though: offend her and this strong-willed woman will take out your kneecaps. As News Editor, Juan is determined to break the record for most time spent editing a single story. He began editing a story for Monday’s paper, and it may be completed by Thursday night. Peter is the artsiest of the News Editors, hailing from the hipster contingent of the 128th Editorial Board. He hopes to replace The Sun’s typical news stories with interpretive poetry exploring current campus issues.Assistant Sports Editors Dani Abada ’14, Lauren Ritter ’13 and Quintin Schwabb ’14 will man the guns in Evan’s sports department revolt. Too bad they only write about sports and can’t play them; The Sun’s top editors will beat them in any game they choose. Especially Jai Lai. Associate Design Editor Annie Newcomb ’13 occasionally finds time for sleep in between her Sun duties and being a Civil Engineer. The first non-Asian Design Editor we’ve seen in a while, this redhead will bring some cultural diversity to The Sun’s design team. Science Editor Katerina Athanasiou ’13 missed her election to be in the Vagina Monologues on Saturday, but we let it slide. Chalk one up for gender equality: this Greek goddess of science is the first female Science Editor in Sun history (we’re not that sexist — the section is only a few years old). Assistant Web Editors Pedro Rittner ’14 and Joseph Vokt ’14 learned how to code HTML at the age of five, which may have only been three years ago for Pedro.Marketing Manager Maegan Nevins ’12, also known as “that girl from the Red Outloud pictures,” will lead The Sun on an adventurous foray into the possibilities of marketing. “ROL: Maegan is soooo hawt!”
Online Advertising Manager Jessica Yang ’14 has high hopes (and standards) for The Sun’s online advertisers. In fact, she plans to bring in enough internet revenue to make print advertising completely irrelevant. Good luck with that one. Print content is #winning!Coordinator of Brand Management Ruchi Nanda ’13 keeps a hot iron handy at all times. We have high hopes for her vision of The Sun’s brand (129th Editorial Board tattoos, anyone?). Assistant Advertising Manager James Critelli ’13 says he is not worried about the supposed decline in newspaper advertising. He has plenty of friends in high places.Online Advertising Project Manager Lee Moskowitz ’13 says he’s satisfied with the vagueness of his position. No one knows what he’s supposed to be doing, and that suits him just fine.Coordinator of New Business Ventures Jed Fantastic ’14 is fantastic … at fighting crime! Captain Fantastic plans to fight for truth, justice and the Cornell undergraduate body by building snow penises wherever there are none.
Michael Linhorst contributed reporting to this article.
Original Author: Dani Neuharth-Keusch