March 29, 2011

Countdown to Real Life Stuff

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It’s almost April! Spring is here! Oh, wait: it is still freezing cold and now spring break is over, which means it is time to get real, academically speaking. Which means I will continue to be grumpy until May. You’ve been warned. Oh, who am I kidding. I will continue to be grumpy forever. Misanthropy: just one of my many charming qualities.

I got a job! That’s a thing I can write about! I didn’t get a signing bonus, or anything (missed the NHL draft by this much) but I do have a sort-of plan for at least two more years. So that’s exciting. And only mildly terrifying.

This job is in Baltimore, which is a city I have been to exactly once, to interview for this very same gig. So that’s nice. When I was there, I stayed at a Howard Johnson’s in which I am fairly certain my fellow patrons were prostitutes (and their guests). So that was an exciting adventure. HoJo is right! That was awful, and I sincerely apologize.

But that’s the pretty much the extent of my knowledge of Baltimore. Don’t stay at that motel. I have, however, been conducting some research on the matter. For instance, I have Googled every possible combination of the following words: “Baltimore” “neighborhood” “cool” “hip” and “hipster.” I’m not proud of that last one, but I cannot tell a lie. I found a video of some dudes from Narwhalz and Dan Deacon’s band on Judge Judy. So that was fruitful. One of them threw a T.V. at a cat.

I have also watched many John Waters movies (okay, just Hairspray. And Pecker. Oh Edward Furlong, what happened to you?!) and a season and a half of The Wire. I really like that Ace of Cakes show. I think Duff and I could be really great friends. I am dedicated to this research. “I’m sorry professor, I could not complete my paper because I was busy watching Pink Flamingos.” That’s totally viable. Plus, I lived in D.C. for a semester, which is pretty close, geographically speaking, to Baltimore. I’m so ready for this, is what I’m saying.

It’s weird, though. The idea of having a real serious job that you go to every day at the same time. And the idea of an apartment that is a real apartment, that doesn’t come pre-furnished and that my mom isn’t paying for, with my very own bathroom and kitchen and maybe even a cat. Real life stuff. I’m not old enough for all of that.

I don’t know how to do taxes and I don’t have a credit card. My room is a mess and most of the movies I want to see are rated PG-13. The R-rated ones are too serious. I am having a wee bit of an existential crisis, is the moral of the story. I’m not ready to be an actual adult or a responsible global citizen.

Like, I was on the Commons last week, wandering aimlessly when I should have been writing a paper, and some dudes from I.C. radio where like, “Can we ask you a question? How do you feel about the situation in Libya?” I have some vague, relatively uninformed opinions about Libya. But I have spent hours and hours thinking about silly pop cultural things that literally no one else in the entire universe cares about. If you asked me what my favorite band was, for instance, you would get such a detailed answer riddled with pointless minutia that I’m a little embarrassed at the prospect. I’m not ready to stop being so self-absorbed.

I guess I should have applied to grad school (ba dum chhhh. That’s the sound of a rimshot). Just kidding grad students, I’m just jealous. I was gonna say something like “holler at your boy, arrested development,” but now I feel bad.

So yeah. I have procured employment post-grad, and I’m moving to a completely foreign city. Maybe the good people of Baltimore will be impressed with my lovely and mellifluous Minnesotan accent. That will help me win friends and influence people.

My roommate says: “You were whining when you didn’t have a job, and now you’re complaining that you do have one.” What can I say? There’s no winning with me. I’m not Charlie Sheen. And I would like cheese with that whine. Thank you for offering. Cheese is my favorite everything.

Elana Dahlager is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at [email protected]. Nutshell Library appears alternate Wednesdays this semester.

Original Author: Elana Dahlager