The following is a totally real transcript from Corey Brezak’s one-hour primetime television special, “The Decision,” which aired live on ESPN on July 8, 2010.
Jim Gray: Well, Corey, Cornellians everywhere are on pins and needles right now as they await your decision. Before you make your official announcement, is there anything you want to say?
Corey Brezak: Yes, Jim. Being the egotistical asshole that I am, I wish that I could have dragged this whole free agency thing out for several more months, because I love all of this constant media attention. Unfortunately, Commissioner Skorton won’t allow it.
J.G.: Indeed, this free agency period has been quite the spectacle. Even Bill Nye the Science Guy, Class of ’77, has weighed in on where he thinks you should go. How do you deal with all of these distractions?
C.B.: Well, Jim, during times like these I just follow my own personal motto: “When life gets tough, take the easy way out.” Also, “Get money, get paid.”
J.G.: Right … Well, I think it’s time for your big announcement. The world is waiting. Corey, what is your decision?
C.B.: This fall … Man, this is tough. [*Deep breath*] … This fall, I’m gonna be taking my talents to C-Town and partying it up with my friends like I’ve never partied before.
[*Gasps from the audience*]
J.G.: C-Town? But what about Carl Becker House and the people of West Campus? You were their king! Their chosen one!
C.B.: Well, Jim, I felt like this was my best chance to win multiple championships. And by “win multiple championships,” I mean hook up with lots of girls. [*Exaggerated wink*]
J.G.: Don’t you feel any ounce of remorse over this decision?
C.B.: I’m a straight-up baller, Jim, and ballers don’t feel remorse. All we do is ball … hard.
J.G.: But wait … I have just been told that we have live footage of Becker residents burning your jersey. What is your reaction to this?
C.B.: [*Pulls out a huge stack of $100 bills and starts counting*] … I’m sorry, Jim, what were you saying?
C.B.: Oh yeah, I’ve made another decision that I forgot to tell you about. I’m going to be a columnist for The Daily Sun. Pretty chill, right?
J.G.: Please, God, no more decisions.
C.B.: Fine, suit yourself. I’d also like to give a shout-out to my mom. Hey Mom, I’m on T.V.!
Well, folks, it’s been fun, but we’ve finally reached the end of the line (Cue Jim Morrison passionately singing “The End,” and also doing a lot of thrusting motions with his hips while he’s singing, because he really liked to do that type of stuff).
I’m sad to report that my time at sleep-away camp — err, college — is coming to a close, and in just a few weeks I will say goodbye to my Collegetown kingdom forever — goodbye to “Sweet Caroline” on the Dunbar’s jukebox on Thursday nights, goodbye to Showtime at the Apollo (Chinese Restaurant) and goodbye to the drunken conversations on Dryden Road that I can hear perfectly every night from my bedroom window. There’s not much left to do around here besides take a Sharpie marker and sign my name on the walls of every public bathroom in C-Town (both men’s and women’s) and do the bare minimum to pass my classes so I can get one of those fancy diploma things.
As for this column, I just want to say that I’m really, really sorry. The Sun had a proud 130-year history before I got here, and it only took me two semesters, 13 ridiculous columns, one incredibly unprofessional interview and one hilarious penis joke to destroy all of that.
In all seriousness, though, I had a crazy amount of fun with this columnist gig, and I’m really going to miss doing this. I loved this column like a sorority girl loves her Greek-lettered tote bag (with the letters facing outwards, of course). But alas, my 15 minutes of fame are up. I had my moment in the sun (and The Sun), but now it’s time for me to fade away into obscurity … like that guy who played the ghost of Anakin Skywalker in Return of the Jedi but was eventually replaced by Hayden Christensen in the remastered DVD version. (Bad move, George Lucas, bad move.)
Closing Thoughts (The Final Edition)
· Wow, my 13th column. It’s pretty amazing that I’ve made it this far, considering I’ve been blackout drunk since Orientation Week.
· It makes me sad that the sex columnists use pseudonyms or chop off their last names. This completely defeats the purpose of being a Sun columnist, which is to become a Cornell celebrity. Also, it makes it really hard for me to Facebook-stalk them.
· I’ve always wanted to branch out from writing humor columns, but no one seems interested in hearing my opinions on serious topics, like renaissance humanism or the sovereign debt situation in Sudan. “Just make us laugh, Clown!” people always yell at me. I’m glad this is all over with so I don’t have to take this abuse anymore.
· CURVEBALL: I am actually The Preacher’s Daughter. Bet you didn’t see that one coming!
· If you’re reading this in Trillium right now, there’s a good chance that I’m standing right behind you. Haha, just kidding. But seriously, turn around.
· Thanks to my editors, Tony and Dani, my friends, Zach, Steve, Rio, Eric, Meagan, Ryan, Angela, Cho and Kaplan, and my No. 1 fans, my mom and dad. I’d also like to thank everyone who sent me fan mail, from Power Ranger aficionados to chemistry professors.
I’ve been wondering for a while now how exactly to end this column. I thought about doing a Sopranos finale type of ending, but I’m not sure if that would translate very well to paper. So I think I’m just going to — Wait a minute, is that Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” I hear playing? That’s one of my favorite —
[*Cut to black*]
Corey Brezak is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Taking My Talents to C-Town appears alternate Mondays this semester.
Original Author: Corey Brezak