August 21, 2011

The Other Orientation Survival Guide

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Seeing as this is my first O-Week since freshman year, all you upperclassmen can probably imagine that my brain and liver function are functioning at less-than-ideal.This is also my first year being actually 21 — who the hell ever believed I was a 27-year-old college student from Michigan anyway — so that’s also been occupying a lot of my free time.However, I will press on, because this year we have a new generation of amazing Cornellians who deserve a proper welcome.Now, freshmen: if you have no idea what I’ve been going on about with this O-Week nonsense, if you actually did your freshman reading project, and if you have actually slept in your own bed these glorious past few days, well be forewarned because I’m about to pop your Cornell cherry. And I’m super excited about it.First thing’s first; I have a little field trip I need you all to take.When you finally realize that Cornell is larger than that little bubble you live in also known as North Campus, I want you to head into Collegetown and walk by Collegetown Liquor.See all those licenses on the window? I think they’ve got them in rotation, so if you go on a good day you’ll see mine up there from freshman year.The moral of this adventure? Don’t use your fake to try and buy a bottle of tequila when you are hammered beyond any state of reasonable cognizance. You will drop it on their floor, they will get angry, and your fake will be plastered on the window for all eternity. Besides, their Patron is overpriced anyways.Second, I feel no one should mess around with hangover food, so I’ll do the selfless thing and steer you in the right direction.I guarantee that even if you think you don’t drink, give it a few weeks of Chem 2070 and you’ll be driven to it. And on one of those particularly stressful days, you’ll make a string of poor life decisions that will leave you drunk as a skunk stumbling home to North.Around the time you cross that giant green bridge, you’ll start to wish you had about a million RPCC chicken nuggets in your digestive tract to soak up the booze.But RPCC is not open at 2 a.m. Nasties, however, is. Even as a senior, I crave a Nasties burger, oh, about sixty times per day.Now, some of you might be saying, “But I saw that truck outside of North that’s open late and I remember when my parents went here they always went to the Hot Truck and maybe I should try that instead because Nasties looks scaaaary!”Au contraire, simple freshmen, that truck is not worth your time. If it ‘aint a Nasties burger between your lips, it isn’t worth having. You might as well try to make yourself throw up and sleep off your hangover. Lame.Third, I want to challenge you to find that one person in your dorm who has a car. Befriend him, sleep with him, I don’t care what you have to do to secure those car privileges, but just do it.Trust me, I had a car and it was glorious.Wheels give you the real opportunity to explore Ithaca beyond the Hill — which is really not all hairy, braless hippies, I promise.If there’s anything I learned at Cornell, it’s that there is way more to this college experience than beer pong and cow tipping.Ithaca may be in Bumblefuckerton, but your college experience will only be as fulfilling as you make it out to be. The harder you work, the more rewarding your time off will be. But you don’t need to make the mistakes I have made in order to have fun. Seriously. Choose wisely and I guarantee you too will find your place on the Hill.Besides, I’m an old dusty senior, way wiser than you’ll ever be, so you pretty much have to take my word for it.

Cristina Stiller is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at [email protected]. Believe You Me appears alternate Mondays this semester.

Original Author: Cristina Stiller