August 24, 2011

Let’s Just Be Friends (With Benefits)

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“I just want to make sure we’re on the same page here. I’m not looking for a girlfriend right now.”

It wasn’t the first time I’ve heard those sentiments, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. The classic anti-ask out. Let’s keep fucking, but don’t even for an instant get the idea that I want to start buying rugs together on Sundays, or wearing coordinating outfits to Memorial Day picnics, or whatever the hell people in relationships do.

This time it was thoughtfully expressed after a round of mutually satisfying romping between the sheets, which made me wonder if there was something in particular about my rendition of the reverse cowgirl that made him think I was looking for a relationship. Because let me be clear, readers: I was not. This summer frolic had an expiration date of O-Week and about the level of commitment and monogamy you have with your shampoo — take a weekend trip and it’s all over. Plus, I hear you’re supposed to switch shampoos after every bottle.

Anyway, although I am a confident, independent woman, I was still a little bothered by this. You mean, you don’t want to be in a serious relationship with me? I’m awesome, and I make a great girlfriend. Baked goods, foot massages, the works. Do you think every girl that hooks up with a boy falls in love instantly and wants a relationship? At this point in our lives, many of us college women are just as anti-commitment as our more stereotypically promiscuous male counterparts.

As a side note, I was once hooking up with a guy who made it clear he didn’t want to date me but also didn’t want me to see other people. It was appalling, and the affair short lived (if you know what I mean, wink wink).

Just like orgasms, it’s all about the timing (Wait, are orgasms all about the timing? Note: explore in later column).  If you’re going to tell me that I’m just your fuck buddy, at least tell me over a latte and a delicious scone. Sex is personal; you’re vulnerable. I don’t usually have the ability to turn on the stone cold logic bitch mode needed to deal with these situations after my O-face.

It’s especially a punch in the balls when you were maybe, actually, for once, thinking you might want to start that slow and painful transition from hook up buddy, to people who hook up that like each other, to being exclusive, to being in a relationship. In that instance, my only advice is to run away. They don’t deserve your goods duty-free if you aren’t down to sign the free-trade agreement! No way. There is a small chance they’ll change their minds, but let them decide that when they don’t have 24-hour booty call access.

To be honest, I wasn’t so bent out of shape about this one instance. It’s the general trend that irks me. Rarely am I anti-asked out in the gentlemanly manner I clearly deserve.  Now that I think about it, rarely am I even asked out in a gentlemanly manner. I was that girl in middle school who got asked out on AOL Instant Messenger (remember the days?). I guess I attract the shy, unimaginative type, and also a hell of a lot of douchebags.

More broadly speaking, the anti-ask out shouldn’t even exist. The whole relationships-that-burgeon-out-of-sexual-partnerships idea is some lazy bullshit of our generation. Remember dates? When was the last time any of us went on a date? There is something to be said for a nice steak and glass of Merlot before hopping into bed with someone. (Is that even what you consume on dates? I wouldn’t know; this knowledge is strictly based on movies and stories from my parents.)

The whole keystone-spilled-on-my-shirt, inebriated, mildly satisfying encounters that have been my experience with first “dates” are just not doing it for me anymore. So, if you’re trying to tap a beautiful woman who may or may not be me, and she demands a trip to John Thomas, now you’ll know why.

Morgan T. is a junior in the College of Human Ecology. She may be reached at [email protected]. After Midnight appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

Original Author: Morgan T.