September 22, 2011

KVETCH: Back to School Edition

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Hey, it’s Friday. We, the Sun ­columnists and editors, are mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. That means we get to … KVETCH

Sound the Alarm

To the patrons of the Uris Library cocktail lounge who leave via the emergency exit, setting off the alarm and making life even more miserable for those still buried in their books — As you walk out the door to the tune of blaring sirens, here’s one question you should be asking yourself: Is the building on fire? If you answered “no,” I implore you to ask yourself a second question: Am I a complete f––ing idiot? I can see your head hurting, so let me help you: Yes. Yes you are. And next time, I’m chasing you down.

— D.N.M.

Not a Door Mat

Okay freshman, get this straight: You enter and exit Uris Library on the left side. Not on the right side. The left side. Stop getting in people’s way.

— S.Z..

Conjunction Junction

People — on your way to class, STOP WALKING IN FRONT OF CARS ALREADY IN AN INTERSECTION. Think a little about traffic flow, and about the poor car who just made it into the intersection, only to be stuck in the middle.

— L.C.B.

Crash Course

Frequently I find myself walking down the right-hand side of a path, staring at someone bolting toward me.  Why do they always wait until the last possible moment to move over and avoid a collision?  MOVE OVER!!!


Pre-Emptive Post-Grad

Thanks Cornell, for that lovely Alumni newsletter that popped up in my inbox last week. Too bad I’m not a goddamn alumnus yet. It’s bad enough that my senior year is already steadily ticking by without you shoving my impending Real Life Doom down my throat. If you think I give a rat’s kahuna about your new Cornell Alumni iPad app, you’re WRONG.

— S.H.D.

Bringing Home the Bacon

Nasties: What did you do to my double bacon cheeseburger?  I don’t want to eat a single bacon cheeseburger.  Single bacon cheese burgers are for little children and women. I am a man and I like two times the bacon, two times the cheese on double the number of patties! Just because you have the best burgers on campus does not mean that you can shrink them down to some tiny-ass size until they are hidden by the lettuce. Lettuce is basically a condiment. I did not order a lettuce burger, so my lettuce has no business being larger than my disappointingly single bacon cheeseburger.

— W.S.

Job Crisis

First I had to flirt my way through the career fair, okay. Then, I skipped my crappy $9.33 an hour job to attend your info session, fine. Then I filled out your job application … twice.  Now you want me to interview? What the hell? I’m not trying to become the fucking president. And someone is using my bar soap. That’s just disgusting.

— H.G.

Flip-Flopping Weather

I know that I can’t really complain about the weather because I knew what I was signing myself up for when I decided to come to Cornell, but c’mon, this weather is ridiculous. I hate how when I wake up in the morning I am literally freezing my ass off because it is 40 degrees and raining, but then walking in between classes I’m ready to strip off layers and leave them on the sidewalk because it’s 70 degrees and sunny. So, Thursday I made the mistake of going home and changing into shorts, a t-shirt and sandals because it seemed nice outside. Fatal move. By the end of the day it was raining, my feet were wet and I was cold. Thanks a lot, Ithaca. Just make up your damn mind already.

— L.R.

Park It

I really don’t understand how people can go to an Ivy League university, have a driver’s license, and own and operate a motor vehicle but NOT KNOW HOW TO PARK IT. Seriously, there are only a limited number of 24-hour parking spots on the street. Your Honda Civic doesn’t need to take up three of them just because you put a mental block on the parallel-parking portion of your driving test! It’s simple. You put your car in drive (D), and move forward as far as you can without hitting the car in front of you, and put your car in park (P). If this madness doesn’t end, I vote for a bumper cars free-for-all on Bryant Ave.

— D.N.