October 5, 2011

New This Season: Leather Leggings and Chastity Belts

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Everyone has relationship problems — even people who aren’t in relationships. In fact, people who aren’t in relationships have the worst relationship problems. Why? Because you (you dysfunctional member of society; why aren’t you mixing and mingling?) are stuck complaining about some jerk who won’t even bother to commit to a relationship. Or maybe you’re not complaining about that. Maybe you’re complaining that your “friend” with Thursday night benefits is having a beneficial relationship with someone else on Friday nights (burn! You’re his thirsty Thursday afterthought while he’s reserving date night for her). Who knows what your ish is and who really cares? Actually, I care. And because I care, I’m giving you the answer to your problems: celibacy.

“Insane. She’s batshit crazy.” That’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it? Who would opt for celibacy? Lots of people, actually — monks, nuns, Mrs. Doubtfire (after Mr. Doubtfire died, that is) and Isaac Newton, to name a few peepz. And if the man who discovered gravity, inertia and all other things considered holy by AEP majors was into celibacy, don’t you think it’s a good idea?

What don’t you like about the idea of being celibate for your whole life, anyway? They might even hang your withered bits of genitalia in the Smithsonian one day with a sign underneath saying “Oldest virgin. Ever.” Or for those of you who’ve done the nasty, if you decide to reclaim your virginal lifestyle, your sign can say “last used: 2011.” Have I convinced you yet?

Celibacy would eliminate many of your major relationship problems. It’d even eliminate some of your minor arguments. For example, you’ll never again have a spat about who is supposed to buy condoms (hurray!). You also can skip out on STD testing, pregnancy scares and, the worst of all evils, shaving. Who cares if you have a hairy back now that you’re not getting any? And manscaping? You can forget about that.

Other pros for celibacy? Well, you won’t have to deal with the requisite awkwardness of waking up next to someone whose name you’ve already forgotten. You also won’t have to waste time figuring out how to nicely kick him/her out (some people just can’t take a hint). In fact, you can dismiss the whole notion of a one-night stand. Who wants random sex anyway? (Wait, actually …)

Even if you disregard the perks of celibacy that are solely related to one night stands, the advantages are still numerous. For instance, who sleeps on that gross yet inevitable post-coital “wet patch” (I use the term only to avoid eliciting imagery that is, if possible, even more disgusting)? Well, I guess that won’t be an issue. Neither will impotence — congratulations, gentlemen. And as for the ladies — when the sex isn’t so great (or, let’s face it, when the sex is bad) you won’t have to bother faking an orgasm. And for those of you who just aren’t getting any, you can use celibacy as an excuse. You could very simply state that you have chosen the celibate life instead of telling the truth (the truth being that the celibate life has chosen you).

There is something else important to consider — no more sex-induced injuries or embarrassments. You won’t slip in the shower on Monkey-love Monday (try explaining that your doctor), have your co-workers walk in on you while your partner licks some dessert topping off of your abdomen, or have to call up your best friend to ask her to pry some form of bondage off your hands/arms/legs/feet (there’s nothing quite so embarrassing as needing help out of a role-playing situation).

The greatest part about celibacy is that your laundry load will lighten significantly. Can you imagine how many fewer times you’ll have to do the wash once you and your suitors (callers, special friends, romantic leads, escorts or what have you) have stopped going at it between your 21,930,234,274 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets? And with all the extra quarters you’ll amass, you can pick up some new addiction like pinball. Or you could buy a ton of gumballs.  Both options are pretty solid in my book.

Celibacy really is the best way to go about solving all of your sexual/romantic/intimacy troubles.  Hollywood may even turn your celibacy story into a movie — the 40 year old virgin got one, after all.

Hazel Gunapala is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at hgunapala@cornellsun.com. Appropriately Cyn­ical appears alternate Thurs­days this semester.

Original Author: Hazel Gunapala