November 16, 2011

Ten Questions with Lauren Sachvie

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For this edition of 10 Questions, Sun Columnist Katie Schubauer sits down with senior women’s squash player and captain Lauren Sachvie. They discuss the Canadian’s hatred for two-fifths of people, her love affairs and house pets.

1. Lauren, you are the senior captain of the women’s squash team. What has squash meant to you over the course of your collegiate career?

It has really meant a lot to me. I started playing when I was three years old and I grew up with some of the girls who are on my team here, so it has been a really easy transition. Most of the girls on the team are my best friends at Cornell. I love the coaches and we get along with the guys’ team really well.

Who is your favorite teammate?

Well, I’d have to say [senior] Clare Berner because we’ve been roommates since freshman year. But right now, my little sister on the team is [freshman] Jacqueline Wagner and I’m looking forward to getting pretty close to her.

So you have roomed with Clare since freshmen year. You must really like her.

(Laughing) Yup.

I hear you two sit in front of the TV with TV trays. Is that true?

Yeah. Well, our dining room is nonexistent, so in front of the TV we have two wooden TV trays that my mom brought up for us because we don’t have a table to eat on. So after practice, we just grab some food, sit in front of them and watch TV for hours.

Who wears the pants in your relationship?

Definitely me. Definitely. If you asked Clare, she’d probably say she wears the pants, but I think deep down she knows that I control all situations in our relationship.

How did your roommate Abigail Apistolas get the nickname “Gail”?

She got that nickname freshman year. We met halfway through first semester. My friend Kelsey MacDonald introduced us and we just kind of clicked right away — great friends, hung out all the time and I just started calling her Gail. She hated it. Her mom hates it. Everyone I know who has heard me say it, calls her Gail. Everyone calls her Gail. That’s how it is. That is her new name and she’s used to it because I don’t think I’ve called her Abigail in two and a half years. When I make a nickname, it sticks and you just have to live with that.

You also live with four women on the lacrosse team. How do you think you’d fare on the field?

I’ve never played lacrosse, even here. I’ve picked up one of those sticks and tried to fiddle with the ball, but I always end up dropping it. I don’t think I would do very well to be honest. I have the hand-eye coordination but not much else.

Your house has several pets. What kind of animals are they?

Well, we have several squirrels in the wall that our landlord, Peter, has recently caught. Thank you, Peter. But we think there may be a dead one in one of the walls on the second floor right now. We also have Frederick Skunkington III, who is our skunk that lives in our bushes. And then we also have Kevin, the cat who has actually come into the house unexpectedly when we leave the back door open.

Is it true you got into Cornell with the lowest SAT score ever?

You know how they have those Cornell groups before you come in? Well, I was looking at who had the lowest SAT score on the little forum, and I had the lowest one by far. I’m not mad about it, obviously. You know, I belong here. What can I say?

2. Please enlighten us on the meaning of “Lez be honest.”

OK, well if you watch Jersey Shore, you know that Dina and Snooki hooked up and Pauly D and Vinny made up a thing to rattle them. And I’ve just started saying it all the time ever since, and then last weekend at Ruloff’s, we decided to be Team Lez Be Honest. My brother and everyone else on the team would not give it up that Clare and I were “Lez be honest” together.

Is there any accuracy to that statement?

No. Well … no.

Is it true you love team showers?

Yes. Our team loves team showers. I do love them, yes. When I came here as a freshman, it was the thing. Team showers are awesome. You know, it’s a great bonding moment. Everyone is open and chatting and you are so close to everyone. I’m just really excited for the freshmen to experience it this year.

Could you give them any advice for when they go into their first team shower?

Don’t be nervous. Just own it. Be proud. If we sense fear on you, we will probably call you out.

I hear you are very close with your roommates’ boyfriends. Would you please elaborate on that situation?

Well, I feel like my friends know I would never hook up with their boyfriends, but at the same time, [the boyfriends] get really close to me. They must feel comfortable with me, because as much as the flirting may seem like joking, they come onto me for sure. And I can’t help it. But I would never do anything to cross the line.

Why are you considered a bad friend/Facebook girlfriend?

I am considered a bad friend because I tell it like it is and when my roommates tell me they like someone, I am going to throw it out there to the guy to help get things started. I think that I am a bad Facebook girlfriend because — I don’t know. I think my Facebook girlfriend is a bad girlfriend, because she is the one who had a boyfriend for the majority of our relationship. So I guess just because I call out my roommates, make fun of them and tell guys that they like them.

3. You are Canadian. Are you ever afraid of being deported?

No, because I haven’t gotten in trouble here … yet. And I don’t see it happening. I think that this country needs me and wants me, so why would they get rid of me?

Which accent is your least favorite?

I’d have to go with Upstate New York — more so just the commercials that they show right now on TV. They just get to me. The car salesmen really have horrible, horrible accents. I live near Buffalo and that’s a pretty bad one, too.

How can you stand going to school in America when you hate Americans?

I don’t hate all Americans. It was a good opportunity for me, but I don’t really think I am going to stay here after.

Is it true you like your friends from home more than your friends from school?

My friends from home are a different breed. We like to go out and have a lot of fun. They are definitely crazy. And the girls here, not that they aren’t fun to go out with, but they are more chill and reserved.

Is it true your body temperature is higher due to evolutionary mechanisms from frigid Canadian winters spent living in an igloo?

I live in a house in St. Catherine’s and the temperature is the same, if not a little warmer than here, so I’m going to go with … that question is inaccurate.

Is it nice having a car on campus?

It is. I can use it whenever I want. I drive to class for the majority of the time. It’s actually Clare’s car. I refer to it as my car, but it may as well be mine.

4. Do you hate/ dislike more people than the average person?


Why is that?

Well, I have a thing that I hate two-fifths of the people who I meet. I think at Cornell it’s probably around the same, probably around two-fifths. I just don’t see the point in creating fake friendships with people that I just don’t want to be friends with. So I just avoid them at all costs if I don’t like them.

Why do you hate men’s lacrosse player Mike Bronzino?

Well, he hooked up in my bed with someone when I was at Pixel one night, and then I came home, so yeah. And he also put poop in the squash guys’ house from his shoe the other weekend. He’s on two strikes right now so he’d better watch out.

So your brothers have both gone to Cornell. What is your relationship like with them?

As a freshman at Cornell, my brother Chris was a junior on the squash team and now my younger brother, Nick, is on the team, too. I’ve always gone to school with them. I went to high school with them, so it was kind of the same. But it was funny finding out who Chris had hooked up with and what not. I mean he started dating my little sister in my sorority when she got here, so he kind of settled down. With Nick — God, Nick is a psycho — he had a girlfriend from home for the majority of last year. But he’s starting to spread his wings this year and test out the waters.

Does it bother you when girls like your brothers?

It really depends who. I have approved of some, but there are definitely some questionable girls that have ended up on the kill list.

5. Can you describe your torrid love affair with former ATO president Sean Gelbwaks?

Well, we’ve had a rocky, rocky past. Everyone thinks he is so nice, but he can be a mean guy. So watch out. But we are friends right now. We’re really good friends and hopefully it stays that way. We have kind of like a Tina Turner-Ike Turner type thing going on.

And how about your relationship with former Ten Questions feature Tom Randall?

Tom and I are friends, and again, kind of a rocky little road. We’re in a rough spot right now, which is a little awkward for us. I know he tried to call me out in his Ten Questions, but I’m not going to do that in mine.

Can you please tell readers what a Canadian massage is?

Well, had I not gotten into Cornell, I definitely would have gone on to become a masseuse, because that’s obviously what I am good at, but a real masseuse doesn’t reveal her tricks. I’m going to keep them on the down low.

If you had to choose between teammate Alex Domenick, Ricky Ballou, Robby Berner and Justin Beiber, who would you choose?

Obviously, everyone knows Adom and I have something special that no one can take away from us. And I do love Justin Beiber. Robby Berner — God, I love Robby Berner. He’s great. He’s going to do great things with his life. But I think that might be weird between Clare and me. I don’t know, but I think so. And Ricky is an alumnae who came over during homecoming to hang out with us and he’s really hot. He’s a great guy, too. It’s definitely between Ricky and Adom, but just because it’s awkward to say Ricky, I’m going to go with Adom.

Do you have an obsession with marrying Adom?

I don’t want to marry Adom. Hell no. I don’t want to marry Adom, but I do definitely want to take our relationship to the next level before we graduate. I honestly think he belongs to someone else on our team and I think everyone knows who that is, so I’m going to leave it at that.

Every year the squash team has a formal. Who are you hoping to be set up with this year?

Oh wow. Well, we obviously want to keep it on the down low. It’s secret dates. I need to see how the rest of the year pans out, but I think I might look to take a freshman because I am a really fun date and I think that I would open them up and get them excited about their future squash years.

Which is your favorite squash couple of all time?

Well, right now we have Kate [Donatiello] and Oggi [Ryan Todd], who are freshmen. They already have this budding romance, just really adorable boyfriend-girlfriend already … jeez. I don’t know. This is tough. I think I’d have to go with maybe Liza Stokes and Scott Phillips.

6. Is it true you have had your belly-button pierced since eighth grade?

Yes. I got it as a graduation present when I graduated elementary school. My mother gave it to me. She actually wanted me to get my nose pierced but I couldn’t have that at my high school, so we went with the belly button ring. My cousin, who is a year older than I am, went and got it with me.

Are you going to get a tattoo?

Yes. I am going to get a tattoo. I don’t know what. I’ve been thinking about it for about four years now. It’s tough. I want something that I am always going to want on my body. But I do know where it is going. It’s going on my upper butt.

Do you consider yourself to have above average attractiveness?

Face-wise, definitely. My roommate, Caroline Closkey, and I both have pretty great faces. Yeah, I think I’m doing pretty well for myself.

Is that why you take so many selfies?

Obviously when I bring my camera out, I like to take pictures. I wouldn’t bring my camera out if I didn’t want to take pictures. But if I’m bored and no one wants to take a picture, I’ll do it myself. If I look good, I’ll do it myself.

7. Tell us about your obsession with babies. Is it true you keep them in a cupboard under the stairs?

I definitely want to be a young mother. I’m happy that I missed the whole teen mom phase, but I definitely want to have a baby a couple years out of Cornell. As for the cupboard, I live under the stairs and there is a cupboard in the back of my closet. I decided that once I got here this year, it would be a perfect place to hide the babies that I, you know, maybe snatched or found. I would just keep them there to play with when I am home from class or practice. But it hasn’t been working out. I decided it probably wouldn’t be the wisest decision. I don’t want to harm them. I love babies, so I would never do anything to hurt them.

What type of baby would be your ideal?

Not a baby that I could personally make. I love exotic-looking children. They are definitely the best looking.

Would that ever influence your choice in spouse?

Possibly. I would probably have to look into adoption, which is fine. If Brangelina can do it, so can I.

Why is your nickname Fertile Myrtle?

I said before that I really like babies and want one early on in life. I kind of gave myself the nickname, but my friends at home and I always cheer before we go out. And we just cheer, “Are you feeling fertile?” and you scream, “Yeah! Are you feeling fertile? Yeah!” Just kidding. We don’t do that. I just gave myself the nickname.

8. How clean is your room?

Right now, on a scale of one to ten (ten being the dirtiest), it’s probably an eight. But before I did laundry for our away matches last weekend, it was probably a ten. My hamper is full, so there are dirty clothes around it in a pile as well. There is a little bit of mold in the closet but that’s not my fault.

And that’s where you were going to keep the babies, right?

Yeah, so obviously I can’t do that anymore.

Is it true you are going to be on the next episode of hoarders?

I don’t hoard, I just have a lot of laundry everywhere. I can’t help that. I don’t really hoard anything. I don’t really have that much of value, to be honest.

But your ambition is to become a reality TV star. Is that true?

Yeah, it’s true. I applied to the Real World last year. I ran it by my parents. If I made it, I was going to take this year off. But the second round auditions were the same night as Tacky Formal and it wasn’t going to work. I needed to go to Tacky, so I didn’t go to my call back. But over Fall Break, I spoke to my mom and she really wants me to look into doing it after graduation. So I’ll probably just audition for a lot of shows after I graduate and skip the whole working thing.

What show would you want to be on most? The Real World?

Yeah, I think Real World. But it is hard. There are like ten rounds of auditions, which is so aggressive. Maybe some sort of True Life. I’m not really sure what. True Life, I’m obsessed with babies? True Life, there is a baby in my cupboard? I don’t know. I’d have to think about that. But I think I’m just going to apply to as many shows as I can and see who wants me.

Which celebrity are you most like?

I guess Mariah Carey.

9. How does it feel to be a Geisha and how has that impacted your life?

That started because during one of the line-ups that we do before matches, my giggle was very high-pitched, almost like a geisha. So from there on out, people started calling me a geisha. I think Lexi Glassman is the one who always goes for a geisha handshake, which is a light, light tap on the wrist and a giggle.

Word has it that you are quite the dancer. Can you give us some tips on how to perfect the booty shake?

OK, well pretty much you just need to relax everything in your body and stand up straight. Once you perfect the booty shake standing up, you are able to bend over and that’s what really impresses the guys. I started that at a squash dance party this year and the guys LOVE it. But you just have to relax your body and try to shake just your hips as fast as you can. Sometimes it helps to put your hands up in the air as high as you can and do it.

Who won the Lauren Sachvie Annual Dance Tournament last year?

Obviously the junior pledge class, which was just Clare and I. We were the smallest group of dancers and we had it choreographed that day and we just went out and absolutely killed it. And the guy’s team, who were the judges, couldn’t get enough — just couldn’t get enough.

Can you comment on the other performances that day?

Well the freshman pledge class was horrible. They did “Single Ladies” and they obviously didn’t practice. It was a disappointment. The sophomores, Lexi Glassman, Maggie Remsen and Jaime Laird (who are currently juniors), definitely deserved second place. They had a good, choreographed dance. It just wasn’t sexual enough to impress male judges.

You guys knew how to play to the audience.

Yeah, exactly. I knew who I was trying to impress and I did it.

If you had to pick members for a singing and dancing group, who would they be and why?

OK, well, I know most people probably haven’t heard it yet, but some of the guys on the squash team made an amazing rap. So I would definitely have some of them, like [senior] Will Hartigan and [junior] “OB Trice” [Owen Butler] on the background to spin straight fire out of their mouths. But when it comes to singing, obviously Marge [Remsen], because we are kind of a duet. And I’d have to add in Jacqueline, a freshman, because she has a sick voice — not even joking. I’d probably go with that.

So not your brother, Nick, who is also in the rap group?

Well, he’s a good dancer, so he could maybe be in the video.

10. Which other Cornell team do you like to hang out with the most?

Obviously, men’s squash. We do everything together. They’re the s***. And also football, because John Schiedler is on it and I am obsessed with him. I do like a lot of the lacrosse guys, because they were some of my first friends at Cornell.

Is there anything else you would like readers to know about yourself?

I’m single right now. My number is (607) — that’s it. That’s all you get. I’m a townie.

Original Author: Katie Schubauer