December 1, 2011

Live from the Libe

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Every year, we notice the libraries on the whole getting a bit more relaxed. Cornell has a reputation as a pressure-cooker, and on the whole, that might be true. But when classes let out and study week sets in, the libraries become the most interesting social scene on campus. We hear there might even be an Occupy Ithaca camp in the lobby of Mann; they’ll let almost anyone in there these days. We sent a crack team of Berry Patch reporters to see what all the fuss was about, and here’s what they found:The Facebooker You’ve walked up the Slope, probably working up a good sweat in the process, all in the name of getting your study on, right? Wrong. You’re on Facebook. Congratulations. While students intent on diving into their mechanical engineering textbooks hopelessly wandering around the library in search of an empty carrel, you, Facebooker, have laid claim over the precious territory just so you could change the setting in which you Facebook stalk that person you’re interested in. Admittedly, I sympathize. Facebook has its way of grabbing a hold over your precious attention span. But let’s be honest here, you’re not even trying to study.

The FoodieStudying for hours at a time can take a lot out of you. And a well-timed snack can give you that last push you need to finish that riveting chapter of fluid mechanics, but is it really necessary to order a whole meal?  How do you even do that? Do the delivery boys really walk all the way down Ho Plaza to drop your food off at Uris? It’s one thing to order something that is easily eaten, like a hamburger from Jack’s. But it’s another thing entirely to slurp Lo Mein noodles in the computer lab. What’s next? Sushi and Sake Bombs? All that pounding and chugging just seems a little loud and messy.

The Porn WatcherThere’s no easy way to say this, but they exist. It may be awkward watching people watch their weirdest fantasies on their computer screen, but students need to express themselves. So when it’s study week, just let them. If you happen to get coffee at the same time as such an audacious person and casually decide to comment on their choice of study break entertainment, you will find yourself in a perplexing and somewhat awkward situation. Just walk away, walk far, far away. Trust us.

The SleeperSleepers lie in two distinct camps. Firstly, you have the facedown sleeper. Having exhausted all supplies for caffeine stimulants and without the caloric support of some of Libe Cafe’s “fresh” grub, these poor souls have no recourse but to give in to their carnal need for some Zs. Their efforts lie in vain as they succumb to their (ever unfortunate) biological necessities instead of reading that last chapter in Fanciful Folding: Napkin Beautification for Culinary Connoisseurs. Secondly, you have the headback sleeper. These people have been completely derailed from their studies, their mouths hanging wide open as if being fed grapes. The headback sleeper deserves no pity — he should be subject to the following punishments: judgment of jaw size, desktop background ridicule, numerous missed calls from his mother and this unrelenting feeling that somewhere, somehow, he is missing out on all-you-can-eat pancakes. All-you-can-eat-pancakes are the best.