February 23, 2012

Seance With the Founders: Waiting for Super Monday

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With Super Tuesday fast approaching, one lucky Sun reporter had the chance to catch up with founders Ezra Cornell and Andrew Dickson White to get their thoughts on the election season.

The Sun: The election season is heating up and we’re less than two weeks away from Super Tuesday. What are your predictions?

Ezra Cornell: I believe it’s actually on a Monday this year. Enough with the gotcha questions! I know there’s only one candidate on the ballot this year. You folks over at The Sun might want to try reading your own rag once in a while.

A.D. White: Oh, Ezra, ever the Cornellian. I believe our friend was referring to the run for the White House, not the Student Assembly.

Ezra: Honestly, that other election completely slipped my mind with all the intrigue surrounding this year’s S.A. race. The Republicans might have Newt Gingrich’s three wives and an outbreak of Santorum, but our student government here in Ithaca is ripe with scandal and controversy.

A.D.: If by “scandal and controversy” you mean crossing off a name on a signature sheet and replacing it with your own …

Ezra: This is outrageous! Everybody knows it’s okay to cheat so long as you are the sweetest girl in the world. I thought I made that clear in the Academic Integrity policy.

Sun: I appreciate all of the enthusiasm about the S.A., but let’s move on to the Republican primary.

Ezra: How can we gloss over such an important conversation about this University’s student representation? This was unquestionably the week’s top story, I read The Sun every day!

A.D.: Ezra, stop trying to win over our faceless moderator. He’s just a lowly Sunnie. And for the record, the arrival of Chipotle was clearly the biggest story this week.

Ezra: Oh my God! I love Chipotle. When did this happen? I had no idea.

A.D.: On that note I would like to apologize to the owner of a gray Ford Edge. I probably should have waited around to exchange insurance information, but have you seen those burritos? I just had to try one.

Ezra: Getting back to your original question, I have all my eggs in the proverbial Santorum basket. He’ll probably lose in the general election, but think about all the mileage the late-night comedians will get out of his name.

A.D.: Personally, I would like to see Stephen Colbert jump into the race. Comedy Central is literally the only channel we get on the Arts Quad other than Slope Media, and he promised me I could have his Super PAC if he makes the leap.

Ezra: Who knows, maybe we could revive the Department of Education with all those funds?

A.D.: Sorry, already promised it to the tech campus. Maybe next time.