Editorial “compet” has come to a welcome close, which means there’s a new crop of bleary-eyed and caffeine-crazed editors calling the shots around here. This impressive bunch of insomniacs has proven its dedication to journalism, but apparently they haven’t heard the news about the industry. Nonetheless, they charge forth, entering the interwebs with fearless abandon and hoping to prove newspaper skeptics wrong (though just in case, they’ve started a blog).
So, here they are, the newly elected board of The Cornell Daily Sun.
The staff elected Juan Forrer ’13 as our Editor in Chief, even though he forgot what he was running for. We told him he won, but he was meditating in pretzel position so he didn’t hear us the first time. As Editor in Chief, he is continually amazed by the daily production of the paper, often walking around with his mouth agape, saying, “Wow!” Upon reading this, his response was, “Wow!”
New Business Manager Helene Beauchemin ’13, our former Advertising Manager, has learned a lot from Don Draper. We’re waiting for the show to come back on the air so we can figure out how to fix the journalism industry.
Managing Editor Jeff Stein ’13 is going to be a great managing editor. On second thought, he’s not going to be that great. Actually, you know what, he will be good. Even though he may not be that decisive. He often talks about how much he loves Cornell; however, he has yet to make it up the hill and into class. Somehow, he still raises his hand more than anybody.
Associate Editor Ruby Perlmutter ’13 ran to be Dining Editor, but seeing as how she’s allergic to four of the five food groups, it didn’t work out … Associate will have to do.
Advertising Manager James Critelli ’13 is following in Beauchemin’s footsteps. He excels at client lunches and downing martinis like nobody’s business.
We’re hoping Joseph Staehle ’13 proves better than our last web editor, who once said, “The Internet is the Worst Place Ever.” So far, we’ve seen him performing with one of the several bands he’s a member of. We just hope he’s nerdier than he seems.
Sports Editor Lauren Ritter ’13 has already been seen kicking ass and taking names in her new position. (But really, she’s a second-degree black belt.) We all hope her writers keep meeting their deadlines, for their sake.
Associate Managing Editor Peter Jacobs ’13 used to be the artsiest newsie there was. Now, he’s strutting his stuff in the office by trying to get the arts writers to incorporate some hard-hitting reporting.
Fiery redhead Annie Newcomb ’13 will be acting as design editor. The first non-Asian in the position in recent memory, the girl is breaking boundaries all over the places. Word is she might even make borders 1.5 picas away from the edge for special occasions.
Photo’s been taken over by Esther Hoffman ’13. In the laid-back spirit of the section, Hoffman’s taking it easy with only two majors, two minors and serving as president for Habitat for Humanity. We’re also pretty sure if we said something bad about her here, she’d apologize to us for it.
Our Arts editors are pretty standard this week, a couple test spins, movie reviews. Zachary Zahos ’15 is well-versed in Japanese greetings and list-serv etiquette, both of which will serve him well in his new role. Daveen Koh ’14 will continue to blow our minds with her insightful pieces, being the first Arts editor ever to take an art history class.
Ron Burgundy, Channel 4 News Anchor, would be incredibly concerned if he looked at our news editors, who, he might say, have brains one third the size of some of our previous male news editors. It’s science. These four powerful women will push the boundaries of our news coverage. Akane Otani ’14 is the meanest news editor of the four. She is always frowning and won’t hesitate to yell at you for no reason. Our news staff should be really intimidated. Rebecca Harris ’14 is the most organized of the bunch. It is only a matter of time until the entire Sun operates using a color-coded calendar. Kerry Close ’14, winner of the 2006 national spelling bee, is the most lykely to ctch everie speling errer in the papar. She is also the most likely to keep our Kerry pages looking great. Liz Camuti’s ’14 slow southern drawl and Dixie idioms belie a nefarious news nose. When editing a story, some problems have arisen, as when she attempted to compare a recent string of warm weather to a “goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
Assistant Sports Editors Dani Abada ’14, Scott Chiusano ’15 and Haley Velasco ’15 better be careful under badass Ritter, but they should be alright. Abada has yet to be seen without a bow in her hair; who could get mad at her? We hear she’s an okay editor too. Chiusano and Velasco have been seen experimenting with making Abada’s trademark bow on their own. Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite look the same on Chiusano.
Assistant Design Editors Amanda Stefanik ’13 and Rebecca Coombes ’14 are carrying on the tradition of keeping a well-stocked snack drawer and making the position the most loved on the paper. We tried to tell Amanda she was elected, but she couldn’t find her phone …
Science Editor Nick St. Fleur ’13 is passionate about science and his election speech was certainly a testament to that. He’s also not a science nerd; he is “scientifically curious.”
Assistant Web Editor Joseph Vokt ’14 has done the job before. We hear he’s spent the last six weeks teaching Staehle what the Internet was. After which Staehle replied, “The Internet is the Worst Place Ever.” Uh oh.
Dining Editor Eliza LaJoie ’13 has really put her mark on the section. In fact, she pretty much invented it. It’s almost like it didn’t even exist until she came along.
Maggie Henry ’13 has been reaching out as outreach coordinator. Hopefully people will still apply to The Sun after reading this.
Bryan Chan ’15, Multimedia Editor and Hannah Zdrjna ’15, Associate Multimedia Editor, are the two most enthusiastic members of the board. When asked about video broadcasting, Zdrjna replied, heck, why don’t we do live broadcasting? We’re pretty sure these two can convert The Sun into an entirely video based publication. In fact, why stop at daily? We suspect these two are on the brink of inventing entirely new mediums to edit.
Online Advertising Manager Hank Bao ’14 started as a news writer, eager to make it onto the 130th editorial board. After he found out that he would have to work with a group composed of exclusively females, he decided the business department would be a better option.
We tried to write something mean about Marketing Manager Seojin Lee ’14, but she’s just way too nice. In fact, she is so nice that she often tells clients, “no pressure, you totally don’t have to buy anything from us.”
We tried to friend Social Media Manager Erika Whitestone ’14 on Facebook, but she doesn’t have one. She only has one Facebook that she’s concerned about: The Sun’s. She also only speaks in sentences that are, at maximum, 140 characters long.
Human Resources Manager Jessica Yang ’14 was at first ambitious about her role and wanted to extend her help to the whole paper. After dealing with our editorial department for one day, she decided that she had heard enough of our problems and now only helps out our business department.
Assistant Advertising Manager Austin Kang ’15 is taking a cue from Peggy Olson and going above and beyond in his role as assistant to the Don Draper of The Sun. Like Peggy, we think he’ll be taking over the whole office pretty soon.
Original Author: Ruby Perlmutter