The campus is blowing up with the news that Taio Cruz, famed producer of the song “Dynamite,” will headline Slope Day this year. The Sun thought it best to sit down with the spirits of Ezra Cornell and A.D. White to talk about the choice.
The Sun: Hey A.D., Ezra. How are you guys doing? We’re excited as always to talk to you about what’s going on at Cornell these days. In recent news, Taio Cruz is the Slope Day headliner. Thoughts?
Ezra: Definitely beats what we had in 1865. I think we had an equally hard time finding a Slope Day artist. All the good violinists were out touring in Australia or something.
A.D.: Ah, yes, I remember. We had to settle for Theodore Cruise that year, a terrible violinist. I remember students just got hammered and passed out on the Slope before they listened to that garbage.
Ezra: Yeah, dancing respectfully to violin music can be a little bit challenging also. It was basically the worst Slope Day ever.
Sun: It doesn’t sound like much has changed. They are still trying to curb student drinking. The IFC even offered fraternities a chance to get free food on Slope Day if they stay “socially responsible.”
Ezra: That sounds like a great motivator.
A.D.: Yeah, the IFC really dialed it back to what worked in elementary school. “If you’re on your very best behaviour, you’ll get this delicious cookie.” The next step is to put fraternities in “time out” if they break the rules.
Ezra: Someone needs to talk to those IFC kids about changing that policy.
A.D.: It doesn’t seem like it’s really going to work, but maybe if you offer them some pizza, they’ll rethink the whole thing.
Ezra: Although I do hope they take our founding principles to heart and make decisions based on their intellectual appetites.
A.D.: If we founded Cornell only because of the food we got in return, it basically wouldn’t be here. Don’t get me wrong, I love eating snow, but let’s face it, there wasn’t much here in 1865.
Sun: Come on, A.D. Ithaca has some great food. They just opened up a delicious fro-yo place on College Ave.
A.D.: Fro-yo? Are you crazy? That’s basically eating milk-flavored snow.
Ezra: I for one love the sweet but tangy taste of freshly-churned self-serve frozen yogurt, with plenty of Oreo topping and fresh raspberries. The new joint in Collegetown is sure to be a draw for prospective students and their families when we turn on the Weather Machine in mid-April and this strange winter goes away.
A.D.: I don’t really know, Ezra. This incoming class seems like a bunch of nerds. I doubt they’ll be venturing too far beyond the libraries. 710 average on math SAT scores? Do the math.
Ezra: Yeah, if by nerds you mean the fruity, delicious candy that I like to sprinkle on my frozen yogurt, then yes, you are one hundred percent correct. They are a bunch of Nerds.
Sun: Alright Ezra, that sounds a little weird. I think you should go back to the grave. Same with you, A.D.
Ezra: Oh, alright, alright. Best of luck with getting through the last few weeks before Slope Day.
Sun: Yeah, this semester just goes on and on and on …
A.D.: Hey-oh, Ezra, let’s go.
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