August 23, 2012

The Berry Patch: The Dangers of Collegetown Porches

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This weekend, a porch collapsed on Williams Street in Collegetown, sending landlords into a frenzy. One company even issued a warning to tenants to avoid “rhythmic vibrations” on porches. We sent our Berry Patch reporters to Collegetown over the weekend to find out the top seven things not to do on your Collegetown porch.

1) Don’t stand on your porch railings and pretend to be a pterodactyl or other similar prehistoric bird. Like these long lost creatures, you might become extinct. And if that doesn’t kill you, your neighbor might not appreciate your pterodactyl sounds and do it himself.

2 ) Invite a Sun sex columnist onto your porch. If anyone knows anything about rhythmic vibrations, it’s these people.

3) Don’t treat your porch railing like the balance beam in gymnastics and pretend to be Gabby Douglas. You are not that nimble, and you are also not 16 years old. If you are going to attempt this against our warnings, ensure you are properly outfitted in a leotard.

4) Don’t invite any large mammals onto your porch. Leave your alpaca at home. This applies to New Jersey governors and Sumo wrestlers as well.

5) Ensure that when you are inviting a bunch of people to do Sake bombs on your porch that they are not actual bombs.

6) Don’t play the song “Call Me Maybe” on your porch. You are likely to shatter all the windows in your house, and likely all of the surrounding houses as well. You will definitely be calling your landlord.

7 ) Don’t stand on your porch if you can avoid it. Have you seen those porches?