As a cool, early August night ticked towards morning Jacob Kose, then-housemate and current Senior Editor Katerina Athanasiou and current-housemate and Editor in Chief Juan Forrer sat down on their porch to star-gaze and wonder aloud at the question everyone’s been asking since June 30, 1997: If the 8 Ivy League schools were to be sorted into Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Gryffindor and Slytherin, which two schools would be in each house? We put on our sorting hats and came up with what can best be described as the truth.
Disclaimer: As always, Scrambled Eggs strives to adequately approximate what was said and who said what, but may at times mess all of that up.
Juan Forrer: There’s no way we’re actually talking about this.
Jacob Kose: Why not? You can’t tell me there’s no coincidence between eight Ivy League schools and four Hogwarts houses; haven’t you heard the Spice Girls song “When two become one?” Plus the Hogwarts motto — “Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus,” or “Let sleeping dragons lie,” the Dartmouth motto, “The voice of one crying out in the wilderness,” basically mean the same thing.
J.F.: Hmmm. More like any person, any study. Like, if you want to study how dragons sleep, you can totally do that here at Cornell.
J.K.: I mean, our vet school’s the best there ever was. Do you find it sad that we’re the only Ivy League institution without a Latin motto? Or is that just the way it should be because we’re so …?
J.F.: Distinct. And yes. So that means we’d be in Harry Potter’s house for being different and special, eh?
J.K.: Well Gryffindor’s about bravery and chivalry, Ravenclaw’s about being wise and witty, Hufflepuff’s about being fair and hard-working and Slytherin’s about being resourceful, traditional and selfish. I only know this because I just wrote a story about adults telling these little kids which houses they’d be in. But I don’t think adults yelling at kids about Harry Potter sends the right message.
J.F.: But Gryffindor’s basically about being awesome, Slytherin not so much, Hufflepuff’s nice but everyone’s all like “Hufflepuff, meh,” and Ravenclaw’s also good but not as awesome.
Katerina Athanasiou walks onto the porch, after a night of meaningful conversations, blueberry picking and chess tournaments.
J.K.: We’re having a casual ferocious late night Harry Potter debate about which Hogwarts houses each of the Ivy League schools would be in.
Katerina Athanasiou: I’m not sure my studies at Cornell have adequately equipped me to take a stance on this conversation. Should we all be upset about that?
J.K.: Well Dartmouth’s in the woods and Columbia’s hidden in the enchanted forest of New York City, but they’re both pretty wise. Brown is just a ballsy place and Yale is pretty traditional and kinda “yay us,” but a little more chilled out. We’re kind of a wildcard.
J.F.: But Brown is all about doing whatever you want. You can’t even fail classes there; here you’re supposed to fail classes to toughen you up. I think that makes us pretty brave. And just because we’re supposedly the current Douchiest College in America doesn’t make us not chivalrous.
K.A.: Disagreed. I think we’re Hufflepuff because we are hardworking, and definitely not fair, but when you can’t get into any other house and they’re like “Hmmm, maybe you’re not wizard material,” where do you go?
J.F.: Then Brown’s also Hufflepuff for the opposite reason, they’re incredibly fair, tolerant, nice, definitely out there, but no one really knows what’s going on with Hufflepuff at their secret butter beer and floo powder parties, just like no one really knows what’s going on with Brown.
J.K.: So even though Dartmouth’s basically the most random place on earth and their biggest events are lumber chopping contests and Gubraithian bonfires (Goblet of Fire, XXXIII, 611) they get a pass here?
K.A.: You have to be pretty wise to chop lumber. And a little brave. But they’re definitely not chivalrous; they only started letting in women like 35 years ago.
J.K.: As painful as it is we have to try and keep the Harry Potter and Feminism conversations distinct from one another. But I agree, Dartmouth is no slouch but it’s no Gryffindor.
J.F.: So Harvard and Princeton are Slytherin, us and Brown are Hufflepuff, Dartmouth is Ravenclaw, and then there’s Columbia, Yale, and we haven’t even talked about Penn.
J.K.: We and Brown, you imbecile. Penn’s just a good bag of tricks, solid balance. We’re rewarding balance here, Harry Potter’s a really well-rounded dude: smart, sexy, probably has fun on the beach and nerds up a bit in the classroom. Plus Hermione’s the hottest half muggle on this side of the Mississippi.
K.A.: But she went to Brown. What does that say? Also, Penn sucks. You guys should start over, I’m going to bed.
J.F. (with passion): Kat you can’t just conflate the real world and the wizard world AND then go to bed. You just did so many things wrong. We’re such Hufflepuffs.
J.K.: The Hufflepuffiest. Listen, I visit Columbia on occasion and they’re not that socially brave. There’s a college of women waiting for them across the street that they maybe don’t know exists? Plus Penn’s motto is “laws without morals are in vain,” and if that doesn’t scream Gryffindor then professor Talbert didn’t scream at that kid for yawning in Business Computing. And he did. He definitely screamed.
J.F.: But they’re wise, so them and Dartmouth in the second one, what’s it called, and Penn and Yale with Harry Potter?
K.A.: Amazing. Can I go to bed, now boys?
Jacob Kose is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Scrambled Eggs appears alternate Wednesdays this semester.
Original Author: Jacob Kose