September 11, 2012

Big Red Ambition: #84. Go Bowling at Helen Newman Lanes

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Throughout my life, my all-encompassing lack of coordination has, amazingly enough, never had too great of an impact on my daily functioning. My dreams of playing in the WNBA vanished when I realized that at 5 feet small, I wasn’t even tall enough to be a point guard. My tennis instructor told me I was too short to have a good angle to serve well, and even speed walking (the greatest Olympic sport to ever exist) is dominated by those with long legs. Basically, my spazziness never hurt my mad skillz in my academic geek clubs, and I thought everything was good in the hood. That was until I went bowling at Helen Newman Lanes (#84).

Whenever I went bowling, I never was the best, but I also wasn’t a complete and utter failure. I never thought much about it, because as I illustrated above, my athletic capabilities are lacking, to say the least. Then I came to Cornell. Not only were the classes more challenging, the work more copious, and the hills more steep, but seemingly overnight I lost all bowling skills.

I couldn’t figure it out at first. No joke. Somehow I went from scoring somewhere between a 90 and 110 (ok, I never said I was particularly great at bowling), to having a high score of 34. I know the exact score on the low end, because it was hella embarrassing and that stuff stays with you to your grave. Or at least until something more embarrassing happens. I think.

Then I realized what was wrong. They forgot to put the bumpers up. Oh no, wait, they didn’t have bumpers. What the eff. Not providing bumpers is literally the cruelest thing to do those of us who are not the most skilled in the arena of bowling. It’s one thing when your friends know how bad of a bowler you are and refuse to let you use bumpers just to see how poorly you do for giggles. It’s quite another to not provide the damn bumpers thereby inhibiting any possibility for success. Rude.

So if there’s anyone who has yet to go bowling at Helen Newman Lanes, you should go. It actually is quite fun, and it’s highly unlikely that you’ll score lower than a 34 (trying to protect your egos, dear readers). Just be warned, bowling without bumpers may be more challenging than that four credit class you’re taking… but at least no one is grading you at the bowling alley, so bowl away!

Original Author: Jaime Freilich