September 13, 2012

The Hipster Kitchen Toastoscope

Print More

So it’s probably the opposite of hip to admit this, but I recently began watching Sherlock. I know, I know, I’m a million years late to the party. Whatever. It’s amazing. Complex plot lines, British accents, homoerotic tension — this show has it all. Of course, the most compelling aspect of the show is Sherlock’s split-second deductions. Everyone loves to imagine that they could accurately read a stranger’s whole life with just a few glances.

Naturally, I began to wonder if Sherlock’s art of deduction could be applied to food. You are what you eat, they say—and it’s true. People’s eating habits reveal quite a bit about their upbringing, personality and taste (no pun intended). I speculated about what sort of food to analyze. What’s commonly consumed, but varies from person to person? Eggs? Too easy. Sandwiches? Too complex. How you take your coffee? Too obvious. And then it hit me—toast.

I love toast. It’s one of my staple food groups. It’s a blank canvas of crusty bread, just waiting for whatever combination of condiments you can dream up, and it seems that people always have favorites.

I’m a big fan of innovative toast toppings — avocado and sriracha; creamy goat cheese and honey; mayonnaise and tomato — but for the sake of both brevity and accuracy, I’ll only address common ones here. (Also, like, toast toppings are always better before everyone’s heard about them. Duh.) I’ve created a list of some typical combinations. Find your favorite, and see if I’m right about you.


Butter: There are a lot of positive adjectives to describe you—approachable, tasteful, well-adjusted. You have also probably been called boring at least once, but don’t let the haters get to you. You are universally adored, and your charms will stand the test of time.

Peanut butter: Pragmatic but fun-loving, wholesome but rambunctious. You have read a lot of Calvin and Hobbes. There is a strong possibility that you own a reusable water bottle, and you probably relish the time each year when the first chill winds howl across the Slope and you finally get to zip up your polar fleece.

Jam: You probably read a lot. Mostly British authors. As you eat your toast, you admire the jewel-like color of the preserves in the soft sun coming in through the kitchen window. When you have finished your breakfast, you push the last remaining crumbs across the plate with a fingertip, sigh and wonder whether or not you should have made a cup of tea.

Nutella: You’re either from Europe or have a Tumblr, but not both.

Vegemite: You are ferociously Australian.

Plain toast: You are a sad, sad creature. Why would you do this to yourself? There’s a wonderful world out there full of jams, jellies, spreads, sauces and butters just waiting for you. Take your pick. Become who you were born to be.

Original Author: Clare Dougan