October 24, 2012

Quite the Load to Handle

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How blissful you felt with his long fingers twisting around themselves and pushing deep down, wiggling around, to get just half a centimeter further inside. When you lick your upper lip, you can taste the sweat forming as your body becomes hot with the anticipation of a climax; and when it comes, when you cum, your body comes face to face with ecstasy and succumbs. In my experience, certain boys know how to finger me better than any of my ten digits could add up to (others seem to have some form of finger tourette’s syndrome and should really calm their jackhammering). How I long for these nights, mornings after and occasional, yet rarely disappointing, afternoon delights, where I can lay back and be touched, first playfully, then erotically, while I touch right back (or left back, upper thigh, chest, you name it). How boys like it when fingers trace their sides, then beeline at the buttocks region to move into a more central location. They like to be teased by soft hands, light touches and scratches and some deep rubbing. After just a few minutes of such pleasure giving, boys may look quite ready for the blast off. So you grab hold of the base and your hand starts pulsing and rubbing, simultaneously, up and down his shaft rock solid. You hear noises of pleasure when your hand speeds up its upward motion, thinking that his sperm is nearing the light at the end of his tunnel. Your hand tightens to match his apparent engagement. Then he looks at you with a face very similar to someone on life support, wishing to end their miserable life, and pleads, “Please stop already! Your death grip on my dick is not what I was looking for tonight.” Harsh, yes. But also an unfortunately common response to the well-intentioned hand job. Boys can make girls feel good with their hands, but girls’ hands need some handy work, asap!

The thing is that no one likes a hand job, not boys, not girls. In junior high school, Hand Job was exiled to the blacktop during recess. Hand Job spent most of his time alone. No one ever wanted to play with Hand Job, because they knew that once they began entertaining him, there would be no turning back. It is quite a tale how Hand Job lost his position of status and popularity among the kids on the playground. In seventh grade, he was the popular kid. That is, until Ben Jackson hit the playground scene summer before eighth grade. Ben Jacks was the hot new kid in town, and every girl wanted to get a taste. The boys would now only play with Hand Job when they were alone, embarrassed that anyone else would witness their social suicide. It was the end of Hand Job’s reign for good.

When BJs, blowjobs, getting dome or giving head hit the scene, hand jobs very quickly lost their appeal. The problem is that boys know how to whack it themselves. Unlike all other sexual acts, they do it better than we could, even if we did bicep curls for two weeks straight. There are a plethora of problems girls run into when whacking it, including but not limited to: the dead fish hand, the base grasper, the speedy devil, the sandpaper palm and the lazy chinchilla. Girls do not know how to give handies; even my expert sexpert self, has been told, “Just please kiss it, for Christ’s sake!”

There exists quite the dilemma between what men want and what women want to give. The old saying is an eye for an eye, so why not a hand for a hand? It seems fair, yet men want their dicks engulfed by a welcoming mouth rather than strangled by a grasping hand, understandably. My solution: Girls need to improve their skills at hand jobs so their guys will actually blast off without any oral stimulation. Let me share a tip I am familiar with, located, similarly, at the tip. Boys want you to focus your energy at the notch between the head and the shaft. This area is super sensitive and so light touches will do just fine. But it is likely that this will not send the boys over the edge. For that, I would head for the route less traveled. I would reach down, past the bushy forest, past the large tree trunk, down into the dark depths of his nether regions, where you should find two, count ’em, two, round ostrich eggs. These are good enough to suck on, and high in protein too if you need some nourishment while tromping through the forest, but that is a topic for a later article. Squeezing is forbidden, yet rolling them around in their very near vicinity is encouraged. There are babies in those eggs, so treat them gently and affectionately. Many boys will be weary of your hands venturing down past their trunks, but if your touch is right, your boy and his boys will be all smiles.

So guys, if a girl is just not handling your cock in the way you’d prefer, take her hand and show her what you need. Be kind, rewind and show her some respect for trying a hand at this unwinnable game. Girls should not be expected to shove anything in their mouths if they are not getting the chance to shove your head between their legs first. Fair trades don’t just involve luxury coffees and handmade newspaper necklaces from Africa.

Mona G. is a senior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. She may be reached at [email protected]. Erotic Epiphanies appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

Original Author: Mona G.