November 1, 2012

Seance With the Founders: Lincoln 2012

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This week, The Sun wanted to survey the growing importance of the most important demographic that may sway the election this season: the dead. In fact, according to an analysis by the Poughkeepsie Journal, when the statewide database of registered voters was released in 2006, rolls contained as many as 77,000 dead people and as many as 2,600 of them have cast votes from the grave.With this election being especially close, the dead vote could come to play a huge role in battleground states like Ohio. The Sun raised Ezra Cornell and A.D. White from the grave to ask them about the issues that most affect them and about which candidate they would support in this election.

Sun: So, Ezra and A.D., what issue most affects you, and who do you support in this election?A.D.: I am going to go ahead and throw my support behind Abraham Lincoln. He performed splendidly in the Lincoln-McClellan debates. Though he sort of looked asleep during the first one, he definitely came back strong in the other ones.Ezra: Yeah, he definitely nailed it when George McClellan questioned him on the handling of the Fort Sumter incident. McClellan accused him of not calling it an act of terrorism until a week later. Zing!A.D.: Yeah, plus that moderator was a total boss.Ezra: Yeah, I have to agree with A.D. Also, I can’t imagine anyone other than Lincoln here. McClellan has threatened to repeal the Morrill Land Grant Act on day one in office in an effort to stop wasteful government spending. Cornell wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for my boy Abe.Sun: I think you’ve got those dates a little mixed up. But, this is 2012, guys. We are talking about Barack Obama and Mitt Romney here. Who do you think is the right person to get the economy back on track?A.D.: It’s what year now? Who the hell are these people?Sun: Obama is the Democratic candidate and Romney is the Republican candidate.Ezra: Ah yes, then I would vote for Romney, then, the party of Lincoln and the party of progress! Yes to civil rights! Yes, I would vote for the party that created the income tax any day, what a genius idea.  Sun: So what issues are the issues that matter to you most in this election season, then?Ezra: Obviously, we need to invest in our infrastructure. It’s high time for the Pacific Railroads Act that would put Americans to work and get this economy back on track.A.D.: What a horrible pun, Ezra. It’s like you’re a Sun editor or something.Sun: So do you care enough to cast a vote in this election cycle?Ezra: Hopefully I can convince my descendant, Ezra Cornell, to take my ID to the polls.