This weekend Jacob Kose lost his partner in crime Jason Goldberg on Saturday night but found him Sunday morning, buried in a vat of curry and lamb vindaloo. The Indian delicacies had congealed and Jason very badly had to go to the bathroom, but still hoped to preserve the vat, which would have amounted to at least a month of sustenance. The quandary induced a spirited debate over the question everyone’s been debating since November 7, 1861: Did Thomas Crapper’s patent of the flush toilet — with separate water tank and pull chain — revolutionize shitting as we know it? I retrieved a hoe, four shovels and a cannister of whipped cream to dig Jason out of the vindaloo while we unclogged our thoughts.Disclaimer: As always, Scrambled Eggs strives to adequately approximate what was said and who said what, but may at times mess all of that up.
Jacob Kose: And you have no idea how you woke up in vindaloo?Jason Goldberg: Nope.J.K.: Did you mistake Mehak or Sangham grill for my house at three in the morning? Cause they can get pretty weird after closing hours on Saturdays.J.G.: How do you mean? Pass me that hoe and four shovels.J.K.: They play paintball with the leftover meat. Last time I went I got a black eye from a chunk of chicken tikka masala.J.G.: Definitely the best Indian dish to get a black eye from. I haven’t had breakfast yet; can you spray that Miracle Whip all over my face?J.K.: Of course. Do you know what’s crazy to me? There’ve been so many cool inventions: liquid soap, those little stoppers you put on wine bottles to pour samples, the chair, but I think Thomas Crapper is the only dude to die on the 50th anniversary of his invention. He just wanted to be known for the flush toilet so badly. Do you feel nothing towards this bastion of sanitation? J.G.: I literally can’t tell you how badly I have to take a shit. There couldn’t be anything I’d rather not talk about more.J.K.: Do you think people hate talking about going to the bathroom because they hate going to the bathroom?J.G.: I mean, does the fact that everyone does it make it less gross?J.K.: Why wouldn’t it? You’re pretty desensitized when you walk into a public bathroom because you know to fear the worst, eh?J.G.: No, you’re pretty sensitized because it smells like shit.J.K.: Alright, but it’s time we admit that it used to be so much worse before toilets and be grateful instead of making such a krazy kerfuffle.J.G.: I think we are grateful, especially when we travel to parts of the world where you have to take ass-aim at a cup. But we’ve also become used to the privacy of our own bathrooms, or at least our own stalls.J.K.: So we’re at a crossroads, and I’m not sure we can cross this road until we lick that whipped cream off your face.J.G.: As you wish.
Jason eats his own face.
J.K.: We’ve got to get to the bottom of what prompted the solitary nature of the act of shitting — the smell, or the invention of the toilet slash outhouse?J.G.: Dude, think of the Neanderthals. Even the richest Neanderthals were doin’ their business in the ground, so do you think they all just popped a squat mid-conversation? No, it was the stank. It was the stank all along.J.K.: It has to be the toilet though, because before the outhouse there was never a confined, solitary space you had to go as if you were being punished, when in reality you’re just punishing your food and being all, “What, I ate you, get OUT of me.”J.G.: That’s really aggressive. But I guarantee you it’s not the toilet because, I’ll let you in on a little real-man secret here: You know how girls go to the bathroom in groups to put on makeup and watch each other pee? Well, real dudes take shits in groups. Think about it: guys like to be funny, and shitting is the most ridiculous thing to do, so the socio-comical effects of shitting in groups are —J.K.: — Unimaginably amazing.J.G.: Unimaginably amazing.J.K.: So, I’m assuming that the best environment to live and prosper in should have bathrooms with multiple stalls and substantial space between the stalls, sinks and door to linger so that shitters never feel as alone as they’ve felt in the last century and a half; that the toilet’s only an alright invention and we still haven’t reached the apex of modern shittery as we know it?J.G.: That’s right.J.K.: You know, for a dude covered in curry, you’re kind of a genius.
Jacob Kose is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He may be reached at email@example.com. Scrambled Eggs appears alternate Wednesdays this semester.
Original Author: Jacob Kose